Shit, I don't even know who to pit. Life, I guess. Shit...

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

This story is not a happy one. Really, I’m mostly an outside observer. But it’s fucking maddening, and I can’t really figure out who to pit, since there aren’t really any assholes in this story. None of you have met me in person (I don’t think), but if you ever did, you would understand that I can’t help feeling pissed off at this situation. So, please bear with me while I vent (please note, all names are changed to something that does not at all resemble the peoples’ actual names, out of respect for everyone involved).

I moved to Tampa last October. When I moved, I didn’t know a single person in the area. I happened to go to an open mic night down the road from my new apartment, and in the process met a very cool couple - Sarah and Dave.

They were both extremely nice people, and invited me to hang out with them the following weekend. The event happened to be some sort of gamer convention, and was all sorts of bizarre and fantastic at the same time. But the event isn’t really important - what matters is that I had a great time with them. We made plans to hang out the following weekend, and met up at a club in Ybor City (if you don’t know the area, just consider it part of Tampa). A few other people were with us… everyone had a good time.

Anyway, as we were leaving, Dave mentioned a skate park in the area that he wanted to visit briefly. We indulged, and prepared to sit around happily as Dave made a quick few laps around the concrete. He made one lap, two laps, and on the third… all hell broke loose.

Dave hit a crack (we think) and suddenly pitched forward off of his skateboard. It looked like the sort of skateboard accident that anyone who watches such things would consider a routine fall. But it absolutely was not. Dave hit his head, and was out cold. I called 911, we waited for the emergency vehicles to arrive, and confirmed that Dave had not been drinking or doing drugs, and then waited for news.

As it turns out, things were bad. He was unconscious for so long that they thought he might never recover. He spent weeks in the hospital, unconscious. His wife (Sarah) was forced to confront the possibility that she might have to decide whether or not to unplug him.

This was back in October. Dave survived the accident, and after a long recovery period, slowly but surely regained enough of his coherence that the hospital let him return home about two weeks ago (despite the doctor’s original diagnosis, that he would probably be pretty much a vegetable).

Tonight was the first night I have seen him since he really regained consciousness. And its friggin’ gut-wrenching. He can talk and interact, but he is absolutely not the same guy I knew. His personality remains the same - he was a funny, personable dude before, and he’s still a funny, personable dude now. But you can easily see that he just doesn’t have the mental capacity that he did before. In many ways, he’s like a child. His wife now has to almost be his mother.

So, tonight, I hung out with Dave, Sarah, and Jeff. Now, Jeff is a real good guy - I almost wish he wasn’t, because that would give me a place to focus my anger. Anyway, Jeff has been taking a very active role in takding care of Dave now that he is home. And I sense some romantic whatnots blossoming between Sarah and Jeff. I can’t really fault either of them for this - like I said, Jeff is a good dude, and although Sarah is married to Dave, it’s pretty clear that Dave won’t likely be able to ever again provide the companionship she needs.

I can’t be pissed at any of them, since nobody is really doing any bad and horrible things. But it’s such a frustrating situation to watch. Before anyone replies… don’t offer any condolences to me - like I said, I’m more or less an outside observer. Those other folks I mention are the ones actually having to live this out, so any well-wishes/prayers/whatever should be directed towards them, not me. But the whole thing really pisses me off.

Argh. I dunno how well I conveyed this whole thing, but I needed to blow off some steam and chose to do it here. Thanks for reading.

2

What a frustrating situation to be an observer to, and I can only imagine how terrible it must be to be Sarah, Dave or Jeff.

Good luck to you and all of them. Sometimes life totally sucks.

3

Moving thread to MPSIMS, where it will have greater visibility for a more appropriate audience.

4

Ya, fair enough. I don’t necessarily think this is either mundane or pointless; however, like I said, I’m not really pitting anyone involved…

5

This is just one of those situations that make you realize life doesn’t fit neatly into the compartments of good or bad. It’s all shades of gray and we just have to deal with it the best we can.

6

Thanks for not pitting anyone. Sometimes life is just very complicated and creates untenable situations for people. And good people just have to do the best they can.

It’s a bummer that you effectively lost a good friend. And even more of a bummer that people now have tough choices to make. Good luck to all of you!

7

Can’t really pit anyone there. Sarah didn’t simply dump Dave, she’s taking care of him. Jeff didn’t pressure her to leave Dave, he’s helping care for him. The fact that they’re getting together is problematic, but not entirely unexpected under the circumstances. How long before problems arise is another matter entirely.

All I can suggest is that you be there for Dave. Continue to be his friend, show up, hang out, talk to him, support him. Stay friends with Sarah and Jeff too. They’re doing a difficult job, and they’re just as human as you are. Don’t blame them for looking to each other for mutual support and intimacy. You’re there, but you’re not in their positions. It’s a hard place to be.

Head injuries can be tough. Years ago, I had a young boss who was pretty cool with us insomuch that he basically left us to our own devices as long as we were doing our jobs and concentrated on his own training and involvement in other company projects.

Then he went to San Diego to visit some friends. As they were crossing the street between nightclubs, he was struck by a car and suffered massive head injuries. He spent a month or so in the hospital before being moved to his parent’s farm in Iowa, where he had to learn to walk, talk, eat and care for himself all over again. He was basically a 30 year old infant when he arrived there and his mother had to change his diapers all over again. I can’t imagine how hard that was on everyone involved. I also can’t imagine how hard that would have been on a spouse if he’d had one.

8

Was he wearing a helmet when it happened?

9

Crap. You’re right, there’s no-one to focus on.

Sarah is making her own choices, so is Jeff. Unfortunately, so did Dave at the skate park. It wasn’t a reasonable thing to happen and it sure as hell wasn’t fair (helmet or not). Everyone runs the risk of unforseen and extreme consequences, every time we open our front doors and step out in the world.

I don’t know if continuing to be a supportive friend is necessary. You have the right to either stay or walk away, whichever you feel is the right thing to do.
No-one else can make that choice for you.

10

I was wondering, was he on a skateboard or rollerblades? Was it well-lit? (It was at night, right?) I am assuming he wasn’t wearing a helmet?

Very sad story. I wonder if there is any chance he could improve?

11

I had a pretty bad fall at skate park last week. One of those times where you try to jump off your board, but it ends up under your feet anyway. I landed flat on my back and my head crashed the concrete. Helmet saved my ass. The bad injuries occur when you get lazy or sloppy, usually doing something small. Sorry to hear about him.

12

Yikes, this is definitely as scenerio that fits in the grey side of black and white.

Whatever you do do not watch the movie Breaking the Waves.

13

I remember reading an article quite awhile ago where a woman had a head injury and sustained brain damage. She had to retrain herself to do everything - talk, go to the bathroom, etc. Now she is a mostly normally functioning woman, although she still has difficulties with some mental tasks, and doesn’t always get jokes. She used to love to do crossword puzzles, and even though she now finds them to be difficult, she still does one every day. The human brain is an amazing thing - even when damaged, it can recover amazingly well. I think the important (and only) thing you can do is to continue to be there for your friends, as long as it’s not too much for you emotionally, and to keep Dave’s spirits up so that he can continue to recover.

Good luck!

14

Good god, your OP disturbed me. I imagine being Dave is about the worst torture a person could endure. I doubt he remembers the accident, so imagine just waking up one day, 10 months are gone and you shit your pants now. And your wife, who is more like your mother all of a sudden, is banging one of your friends. And you can’t do anything about it except sit there and be happy they blend up your fruity pebbles for you. Shit.

How old are they, by the way?

15

That’s definitely a tragic situation.
Honestly, though I realize I am in the minority, I do think it is a bit questionable if Jeff and Sarah are starting something romantic when it hasn’t even been a year since the accident, and Dave is in fact still alive and very much a part of her life. Even if Dave had died, I’d raise my eyebrows at a widow(er) jumping right into a new relationship within a year of such a major loss. When a death/major illness/disability occurs, I feel like in most cases people need at least a year to come to terms and accept their “new normal”.
So, I’d even be worried that Jeff might be preying on the vulnerabilities of someone who is still probably grieving in a way.
I realize this is an unpopular opinion, but that’s my honest reaction.

But of course, as you recognize, this really isn’t aobut what any of us outsiders think. It’s a very unfortunate situation in any case.

16

Avoided this thread for a few days, mostly because I didn’t want to think about it too much. But, to respond to some things:

No, unfortunately, he was not.

Very true, in a general sense. But I can’t just walk away from it. Wouldn’t feel right about that at all.

[QUOTE=starryspice]
The human brain is an amazing thing - even when damaged, it can recover amazingly well. I think the important (and only) thing you can do is to continue to be there for your friends, as long as it’s not too much for you emotionally, and to keep Dave’s spirits up so that he can continue to recover.[\QUOTE]
Yeah, I hope you are right. But the whole thing is not easy to watch. Dave offered to teach me how to cook the other day (before all of this, he was a pretty kickass chef)… but I later found out from Sarah that he cannot handle anything more than mac & cheese. Fucking heartbreaking. But, if “teaching” me to make mac & cheese helps him get his head back, I want to make myself the first volunteer in line…

[QUOTE=lavenderviolet]
So, I’d even be worried that Jeff might be preying on the vulnerabilities of someone who is still probably grieving in a way.[\QUOTE]
Yeah, that was the first thing that came to mind for me. But I like to think that I have a good sense of peoples’ intents. Jeff really doesn’t seem to fit that bill - I truly don’t think he’s being opportunist, or in any way a bad guy.

17

Aw crap. Missed my time window for editing - if any mod wants to fix my stupid backward slashes in the quotes above, please feel free…

18

Okay - my mum had listerial meningitis about ten years ago. While it’s an infection, it affects the brain exactly like a physical trauma - her recovery was managed as a brain injury the same as your friend’s will be. The meningitis followed a similar course to what you described above. For the first week we had no expectations she’d survive. The next week we were told to prepare for her to be permanently vegetative.

She was allowed home after a month and could barely manage basic tasks. The least of her issues were memory loss, double vision and constant headaches. We were told that there were no guarantees if or how much she would improve from there. Frankly, the only thing that worried us was that she’d gone from uninterested into a massive rugby fan - rugby *league *even!!! I’d moved down while she was in hospital and stayed for a couple of months, until Dad basically told me to bugger off (in as near as he could get to a grateful, loving way) and let them get on with things.

Lists are helpful, basic step by step on how to make a coffee, make mac ‘n’ cheese - everything that will help him get through a day by himself. A list by his bed with the clothes he needs and what order to put them on. He’ll soon work out whether a notebook is better or worse for him than post-it notes.

He will probably want to do things that he remembers doing and will get frustrated when he can’t manage - it’s a fine line when you should offer to help and the rules will change without notice. Be prepared to get yelled at for interfering even though you just stopped the house from burning down.

Let him be who he is on the day - he’ll be up and down a lot and for a long time. Celebrate progress but don’t jolly him along.

My mum had very clear memories of her youth, she enjoyed talking about that. It made her feel in control of some small part of her mind and it was something she could do without strain. Cooking’s obviously limited in a practical sense, but does he remember recipes or great restaurants he’s been to?

He will have to re-learn a lot of impulse control, your analogy of the child was spot on, but he has the strength of an adult - which leads to;
His wife is under more strain than you imagine, no, even more than that. Really. *How *she is coping is far less important than the fact that she is *there *and coping. Any time out you can give her (like cooking lessons) will make a world of difference for both of them.

If they are very lucky, he will continue to improve.

After two years, my mother’s major symptoms were gone and she was pretty much back to normal - but over the next 5-7 years, the symptoms would return if she got stressed or run-down. Now she’s quit her managerial job, retrained as a teacher’s aide and loves life. She has no symptoms and, if anything, is a happier and better adjusted person than before.

I hope your friend also makes a full recovery.

19

I really don’t have a lot to say other than you will be in my thoughts…

20

When I was in HS, there was the Perfect Couple. He was football captain, she was a cheerleader. Their second year in college they married. Almost immediately he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.

Weeks and months of treatment as he withered away. His wife by his bedside, along with his very best friend.

Not six months after he died, wife and the best friend married.

That was just about 30 years ago. They’re both teachers at the same junior high now, still married - their oldest son made them grandparents last summer and the baby’s middle name is the name of her first husband.

Also, their daughter will start teaching at that school this month - two generations and most of an entire family working together.

I dunno, your OP just reminded me of that story.