It’s that walkie-talkie thing on some cell phones. There’s a button on the side that you press which causes the reciever’s phone to make a quick series of high-pitched beeps (the “chirp”) to alert them you have something Very Important to disclose. IIRC, the reciever has to respond by hitting the same button, or the walkie-talkie thing doesn’t work, and you would be tragically reduced to having to actually call them, or send a text message.
Grrr…this one really pisses me off. It’s NOT a “soquid” you dipshits, it’s a colloidal suspension.
Vermont Teddy Bear. The Mother’s Day ad is in heavy play right now, which is dorky and cheesy and features a glib mousse-headed saleskid and a lot of 2-D man-dork figures (a beer-body biker dressed just like one of the teddys: “Hey Tony! This bear looks just like you!”)
But this is nothing on the Valentine’s spot, which has run unaltered for several years now and consists of a bunch of secretarial-pool sluts moaning and simpering thinly disguised double-entendre about the bears ("…now I’m going to give him something reeeeally special!!")
Both of these ads make me wish that the giant, enraged mama teddy would come in and dvour the players.
I mean devour. Messily.
Oh my God! Why does that man talk like that? What the fuck is wrong with him? The weird rhythm of the way he talks is so distracting that I can’t even turn away. “J.G. Wentworth has helped thousands of people get CASH NOW!” He’s trying to punch some words or something, but he does it by speaking with this really long weird vowels and it makes me insane!
And whoever mentioned the goddamned Nasonex bee . . . I used that drug for my allergies last year - and I swear to God I’m switching come this allergy season. I hate that fucking bug so much. And nothing about that commercial makes sense. Bees don’t have noses, for fuck’s sake! And I’m not a bee! I don’t want a drug for a bee! And why does he have that (incredibly obnoxious) French accent? I mean, what the fuck is with the accent? Why? WHY?
Also, any commercial predicated on how hard it is to get children to take cold medicine. I’ve seen a bunch, so I don’t remember specific brands, except for the most recent. It’s for quick-dissolving Benadryl tablets (or maybe they’re chewable or something.) (A) I doubt it tastes any better than the purple liquid mom tried to give him and (B) let the little fucker suffer. Look, it’s not like his nasal allergies will kill him if he doesn’t take the drug. Instead of chasing the little shit around the house, let him sit and be miserable till he decides to act like a human being. And then punish him for being such a little shit by refusing to give him any medicine. Also, put broken glass in his bed.
It doesn’t help that their theme seems to be “Australia” but his accent sounds so unconvincing.
And one last thing, can we have no more commercials with attractive women brushing their teeth or washing their faces with big fake smiles plastered on their faces? Who the fuck sits there with a big moronic grin while they wash their face? UGH!!!
The ad for Relacore (some rapid weight loss pill) is really awful. Some guy shouts the whole time. I’m paraphrasing from memory: “STRESS RAISES CORTISOL LEVELS! CORTISOL BUILDS UP FAT! RELACORE REDUCES CORTISOL! YOU NEED RELACORE!!!”
Then I say, “And you need to stop shouting before the adrenaline shooting through your veins goes straight to your heart and stops it!”
Then again, at least he’d stop shouting.
It’s a fpoon. To eat your soquid with.
You know, I don’t think even in my most misspent days of my youth was I ever stoned enough that that would have been funny.
I find that ad to be interesting, for the way that it tries to manipulate the viewer. The product is only for “professional dieters”, not for wimpy amateurs who are trying to lose “vanity pounds”. The product is also packaged in a way that imitates the packaging of prescription drugs.
I hate the ads from the settlement funding companies. Some of them show some idiot bragging about how they plan to blow their lump-sum settlement on a fancy car or other non-essential extravagance. Wouldn’t want to waste all of that money on medical care, or whatever the settlement was supposed to be for.
Just about as bad as the second mortgage companies who encourage people to get rid of that worthless equity in their homes so they can buy more stuff now.
I’ve always thought that if there is a hell, there’s a special spot in the hottest area reserved for those “payday advance” companies. Can’t wait a whole two weeks to make that impulse purchase? Go into one of them and they’ll give you cash NOW. Nevermind the fact that you’ll owe them 150%-- that’s a whole 'nother two weeks away, and you can worry about that later.
That reminds me of the rent-to-own tire and rim place in Austin. It runs radio commercials all day long aimed at people who really, really want flashy rims and tires, yet can’t really afford them. I can’t decide if it’s brilliant, evil or a combination of both.
Oohh! Big fake smiles…reminded me of my latest hate: 1-800-DENTIST, and the woman who corners the founder, Fred, to tell him the story of her son who hated going to the dentist…“I even remember the operator’s name…Josie!” …all the time showing off her pearly whites (so we’re subliminally reminded of how nice it is to have teeth). All the while, Fred has this look like he’s about to call Security. Hate it. hate it. hate it…
Even worse than the payday advance companies? The title loan companies. That’s right, hock your car title to buy stuff! That way, you’ll end up with stuff you can’t afford and a really, really good chance at having your car taken right out from under your greedy ass!
That’d be me. And I’ve never tried Nasonex, and probably never will because of that stupid bee.
Personally? I get queasy watching people brush their teeth at all. Like seriously… gag reflex kicks in and everything. I DON’T WANT TO WATCH SOMEONE BRUSH THEIR TEETH!!!
The locally-owned, been-around-forever auto parts store in my town has been using this technique in their radio ads for the last several months. WTF??
Burger King Chicken Fries: a metal band wearing various rubber chickens on their heads, screaming (incoherently) the virtues of chicken fries. You think “The King” is bad? Puh-lease! I can at least ignore him just by looking away; I couldn’t grab the controller fast enough to mute the screaming metal band.
Then there are certain radio commercials that are so completely obscure, like one I heard in Dallas a few years back.
:intro, Mr. Roger’s music:
Voice 1: (Mr. Roger’s-esque voice) Hi there little girl? What’s your name?
Voice 2: (little girl voice) Shaneeka Tawanda*!
Voice 3: (idiot bumpkin) Saayyy whuuut?!
Voice 2: Shaneeka Tawanda!
Voice 3: (idiot bumpkin) Saayyy whuuut?!
Voice 2: Shaneeka Tawanda!
Voice 3: (idiot bumpkin) Saayyy whuuut?!
Voice 4: (Monster truck rally commercial voice) SHANEEKA TAWANDA! GET IT NOW!!!
Voice 5: (super-fast talking commercial closer) See you local retailer for availability in your area. Certain restrictions apply. Yada yada, more in this vein, talking so fast that you’d have to slow it down by a factor of 10 to understand what he’s actually saying.
I only heard this commercial, once, years ago, and for some reason, it stays in my mind as the height of… of… I dunno. Oddness? Idiotic obscurity? Or am I just old and un-hip? Did every pimply faced teenager instantly recognize who/what Shaneeka Tawanda is/was, and rush out and buy it like the little parent destroying money-leeches every advertising executive hopes they are?
*She may not have been saying “Shaneeka Tawanda,” but it was something very like.
My thoughts exactly. With the thirty second skip one can watch commercials or skip them. I do watch some, but the ones they repeat time and time again, ZAP!
The last time I had exciting water, I power- shat microbes for two weeks straight.
How about “Dasani: No dead squirrels in our reservoir!” 
I hate hate hate that Dairy Queen commercial where the woman is being wheeled into the maternity ward, doing the pregnancy breathing (LaMaze? LaMasse?), and she’s babbling on about how she got a Dairy Queen cake for Mother’s Day but she’s not really a mother yet. I think the commercial is supposed to be funny, but I don’t get it. It’s just creepy and vaguely nonsensical.
I would love to see the Mythbusters ** blow up that damn bigfoot!** “Well, Adam, I think this myth is busted for good!”
Lifestyle adverts. That is, an advert that not only promotes a product, but a lifestyle that can only be achieved, or achieved much easier, through the purchase of said product.
For example, take two possible variations of an M&Ms ad:
-
Tells you what an M&M is, what it’s made of, how crispy the shell is, what’s inside the shell.
-
A group of trendy twenty-somethings sitting around on leather couches in some warehouse apartment sharing a big bowl of M&Ms and discussing their sex lives with eachother, including the token black member, the token lovable geek guy, the token sexually-repressed girl, the token slut and any number of other caricatures so that every single person watching can shout ‘THAT’S JUST LIKE ME!!111!eleventy’ and believe that by simply buying the share-size bag of M&Ms that they can emulate the vapid morons on the screen before them.
Number one is just about tolerable, but any advertisement that fits the type as described in number two really pisses me off.
One particularly memorable culprit - Doritos Dippas and its obnoxious tagline - ‘Friendchips’. Picture a group of yuppies (with wildly varying accents) all crunching their chips ‘n’ salsa in between their turns in Truth Or Dare and having a generally hilarious time. Buy our new ‘easier tearing for more sharing’ bag today! You do have friends don’t you? Well, yes, but when we get together for a game of poker or a movie we’ll eat something because we like it, not because you used a bunch of plastic people to whore it.
One obvious subset of Lifestyle Ads is anything that uses sex and the promise of sex to sell all kinds of tat to far too many males.
In particular, the Lynx (British equivalent of Axe) adverts that are so pathetically self-aware in their efforts to convince people that a shag with a supermodel is but a spray of cheap deodorant away that it makes me want to smash the television screen with a golf club. Not because I believed them and was disappointed by reality, but because I realise that there are people out there who do believe them and it makes me despair for humanity.
Disclaimer: All forms of television advertising annoy the hell out of me, just some far more than others.