Shun the bitch and damn the consequences.
She sounds toxic to me.
I can see certain potential financial problems, but the spiteful old cow will leave it to a cat’s home anyway.
Next time she brings this up the correct answer is “Well, you can be sure that will never happen again, mom. As it would require that we actually come to your house, which won’t happen again. Gotta go, Bye.”
Then when she calls back, you immediately start off with “Did anyone die? No? Good to hear, I’ll let you go now, Bye.”
Repeat as often as needed.
Believe me, you can’t make both your mother and your wife happy in the situation as you have described it. Stop trying to straddle the fence.
Your mother is entitled to her opinion but just because she’s your mother doesn’t entitle her to treat your wife like crap. And shame on you for not even standing up for your wife each and every time your mother criticized her. You’re married, so that makes you partners. Just because a blood relative says something doesn’t mean that it should be allowed, especially when it’s harsh (and it sounds like unfair) criticism.
Would you defend your wife against strangers’ criticism? How about a friend’s? If you say yes to those, what gives your mother special authority to spill all this horrible crap to you and to her? Why is she allowed to treat your wife like that as you stand there and watch your wife take it?
I would be horribly hurt and offended if my husband, the man who chose to love and honor me, stood idly by and let someone, anyone, say such deliberately hurtful things to me.
I’m not saying that you should always side by your wife, but she sounds like she’s in the right this time. She’s trying to make things better whereas your mother isn’t. So why should you sit there and allow your mother to continue to spew her anger? You’re not being there for her like a true partner should be. You’re actually hurting her by basically supporting your mom by just standing there.
I know you stood up to her and stopped the relationship with your mother for 2 years. But the fact that you resumed contact even though she didn’t change behavior speaks volumes. If you let her back into your life it has to be with conditions. She cannot act this way to your wife. There are no ifs ands or buts about this. She is at least civil with your wife or that’s it, no more relationship. Don’t allow even an iota of badmouthing to go on or you’re just giving your mom more ammo or more leeway to go off on your wife.
I agree with what almost everyone has said here - when you become an adult your parents have to accept that there are going to be people that come into your life that might very well be more important than them - spouses, children, even friends.
One of the Tashaboy’s close family members (not his mom, who adores me) does not like me. Why, I cannot tell - I have met this person twice, and we are the same nationality (predominantly Italian) and religious background, and I have never once done anything that could be considered disrespectful. The Tashaboy, even though we’re not married (as my friends say, we might as well be), told this relative in no uncertain terms that if they were incapable of at least treating me like a human being, ties were severed henceforth. We haven’t spoken to said person in well over a year; they’ll be at the family Christmas party this year and the entire family has warned this person not to start anything, or some sort of weird family tradition akin to excommunication will take place.
When you grow up and get married, your spouse becomes the most important person in your life - and when you have kids (IF you have kids), they replace the spouse. That’s the natural order of things, and if your mom can’t accept it, SHE still has a little growing up to do.
~Tasha
I’d just like to add that ending converstions early is a good way to get a constantly griping Mom to change her ways, or at least be aware of them. My Mom* used to call me and complain for an hour or more about my Dad, my sister, my brother, my aunt, my uncle, my cousins…and anyone else she wasn’t happy with in the family. I pointed out that I couldn’t do anything about the choices that my relatives make and how they live their lives so there was no point in complaining to me about them so if that was all she was calling about, we were done talking. Every phone call after that, as soon as she started complaining about someone, I would ask her if she had anything else she wanted to talk about, or if we were done talking. If she couldn’t come up with something else to talk about, I said a brief ‘goodbye, talk to you later’ and hung up. Your mom can decided whether she wants to speak to you respectfully (of you and your wife) or wants to be alone. My mom has mostly decided that latter, but I’m OK with that because I don’t want her to ruin my relationships with my other family members.
*My mother is crazy, so this may not work if your mom isn’t crazy.