This is a specific situation, though; at the workplace. She is at work, not in a bar handing out her phone number to everyone who crosses her path. The woman the OP is interested in didn’t give him her phone number or email, he just has access to it because it’s public to all employees of his company. Meeting someone in person, even briefly, and having them give you contact information by which you then follow up and ask for a first date is entirely different - the other person is aware of your interest, at least enough to give you their phone number and agree to further interaction with you.
I don’t know about you, but when I was single I was not making my personal contact information available to the world in the hopes that a total stranger would contact me and buy me a drink!
I laughed at the joke, but I also doubt it! I’d hate to have it be known I was single and have every single guy in the place start hitting on me through work phone and email. Asking her in person shows that you respect the fact that, while you are coworkers, you don’t see using company resources to gain access to her as your God-given right. She can’t provide a fake employee extension if she’s not interested… using this resource to initiate might be incredibly unwelcome.
Hey, I don’t think you should have been fired either. It’s just that your story “I got fired for inviting coworkers to a party!” is substantially less impressive when it turns out you weren’t fired and that it was a sex toy party. I’m just sayin’…[/hijack]
I think you’re misunderstanding. I’m not waiting for a chance encounter or trying to contrive an excuse. I was responding to people who gave me that advice in this very thread. My choice of approaches is direct (though I started this thread favoring email, whereas a large coalition of fellow dopers is advocating phone/dropping by her desk instead.)
Of course.
Right, so this is somewhat my thinking, though articulated better than I have. I don’t feel fully comfortable calling/walking up to her desk because that suggests leveraging a work resource (her phone number/desk location) for a personal reason. It crosses a line to me. My cell phone number is in our company directory so people can reach me in the case of an emergency, and if a random woman, even one I’m attracted to, used the directory to call my cell and chat me up, I’d be more creeped out than flattered. Calling my desk phone or walking over to my desk is better, but only a little so.
So why do I think email is different? Because we currently have an ongoing email thread. I’m just clicking reply, and segueing into an invitation. There’s no creepy subtext of I-know-how-to-find-stuff-out-about-you like there is with calling/dropping by, because both of those are things I haven’t done to her before in any context. It seems more like it’s leveraging an established link and less like invading her space.
You’re right that I barely know her means she barely knows me. What do you suggest I do?
Well, sadly it’s already Tuesday at 6:00 and I’m just now reading this, but if y’all convince me that this is really the best course of action, I’m happy to do exactly this tomorrow and report back
The suggestion here, of course, is that waiting is hazardous, because she’s likely to hook up with Jake while I’m dilly-dallying. But it’s just as likely that as I posted here, she broke up with Jake or finally decided she was over him, and is now ready to date again. If I end up on the wrong side of that coin flip, that’s ok. I’m not paranoid about rejection here, though some have taken this thread to be that. The reason for this thread is that she’s a coworker, although not a close coworker, and that’s territory I haven’t really explored before, and I’m a little worried about complications - both of dating a coworker in general, as well as pitfalls of asking her out (eg, there are posters here who think it’s completely inappropriate to use the company directory to call her up. I tend to agree, but this is exactly the direction of the thread that I’m interested in.)
Does this existing email thread have anything to do with anything whatsoever other than work? If no, then if I were her, I’d consider a sudden invite for a drink to be weird…again, I’d be thinking “who is this guy, and why does he think this is ok?” If you have an ongoing chatter about non-work topics then that might be different.
I don’t really have any suggestions, I guess. I just think I’d be very uncomfortable with someone at work asking me out based on work-related email messages (Here’s the monthly report…thank you, here are the corrections…thank you, here’s the cover letter for it…thank you, want to go have a drink?) I’d want to have some basis on which to consider even saying yes to you, such as liking the same sport or something, and it doesn’t seem like you even have that with her.
I don’t want to suggest that you contrive a way to meet up with her, but I think it would be best if you found some way to at least share some non-work related chit-chat before jumping to asking her out. That’s why I’m advocating asking her out in person… have some non-work interaction with her first.
Meh, I’m tired and I feel I’m repeating myself and not being very clear. Sorry if this is confusing!
Yeah, I think creating a little more rapport outside of work topics would be best, too. I’m just not sure how to make that scenario happen. It seems a catch-22: I can’t ask her out until I know her better, but I can’t get to know her better until I ask her out. The ways out seem to be artificially creating some sort of forum for interaction, or hoping for chance encounter, neither of which seem like the right approach to me. Which leaves me with just asking her out, except for the complications that being a coworker create.
There seem to be scenarios in life where social custom dictates that you just don’t get to ask out the person you want to: I don’t think a waiter can ask out his patron (at least not the first time the patron is there), and I don’t think the electrician gets to ask out the single girl whose house he’s visiting on a work assignment. Do I get to ask out my coworker when there’s no real opportunity to build familiarity first? That’s where I’m just not sure, and this thread has been helpful, at least in giving me more to think about.
I think I’m getting what you’re saying. But I’m not sure I’m being particularly articulate here either!
Well now it’s a little more interesting. I have had e-mail relationships at work – people who worked in different departments or in different branches and who I had no reason to see physically, or even speak with on the phone, but with whom I communicated enough to feel like we had a relationship. So maybe, in a situation like this, I could see asking her out by e-mail, in that the relationship is based on the ongoing electronic communication.
We all eagerly await the next chapter of this SDMB saga.
Well, if there’s already some friendly banter going on in the emails then tossing in an invite to go do something related to that discussion might be ok. I’d be wary about using company email in that manner, though, because a lot of companies expressly forbid personal use of email in their IT policy, and because if it isn’t well received things can go quite badly.
If the ongoing email thread is something where there are often chat-like flurries of discussion back and forth, then just saying “I’m going to grab a coffee, how about we meet in the cafeteria to discuss it in person rather than all this email” might be a good way to get a further opportunity to ask her out…once you’ve sorted out the work issue, of course! I guess that is contriving a situation to run into her, but that’s not like he’s deliberately walking past her cube every 5 minutes in the hopes she notices him, either!
It really is hard to say, because Do not taunt hasn’t told us details of how well he knows her or what kinds of interactions they already have. If all this isn’t much more than “she’s pretty and my name is on a mass emailing she sends out” then contacting her at all is rather creepy. If there’s some friendly banter and email chit-chat, then it’s reasonable to go a step further, provided company policy is such that he doesn’t risk getting fired by using email.
I went the easy route: had my eye on my (now) husband for a while, and when I saw he was hanging out with people I knew, I took the opportunity to go over and meet him, as well as catch up with these friends. Everything went from there. It took a while, though!
Umm - yes, I was fired from that assignment. I was escorted from the building by security. Everyone was pretty shocked, since the party wasn’t even my idea.
Fortunately, yes, I was able to get another job through the same agency - but not at the same company.
And i wasn’t trying to be impressive - just cautionary. Just as a catalog party invitation could be deemed offensive because the theme had changed from tupperware to marital aids (which were not the primary part, I’d like to stress) - so could an innocent email asking for a date be seen as an unwanted sexual advance.
Most companies proclaim a zero tolerance policy for sexual harassment. Which means things can quickly be blown out of proportion.
You’re overthinking it. How you ask has nothing to do with whether she’ll say yes or no. Just walk up to her and ask her out. If you don’t have the guts to ask her face to face, then don’t bother asking at all. Email is kind of a pussy way out. You might as well put “do you like me” boxes on it. It’s also probably not an appropriate use of a work resource.
It doesn’t matter that you don’t know her, by the way. That’s what dates are for.
Have you been flirting over email with her? If you’ve done so, has she reciprocated the flirting or has she replied to your attempts to flirt w/ complete professionalism?
If there has been 2-way flirting, I’d say you’re safe to ask her out over email. If you’ve tried and she hasn’t reciprocated - I don’t think your chances are good at her saying Yes regardless of which way you ask her out.
If there hasn’t been any flirting either way, and you’re determined to ask her over email, I’d say to give the flirting a shot before asking her out.
Fwiw, I’m female and would see nothing creepy about being asked out via email, even by someone I barely knew if they weren’t otherwise creepy. Might not necessarily accept (depends on level of interest in the asker) but would in no way be creeped out or offended - I would be flattered.
And I think you should do it exactly as planned in your OP and then update us all.
Another vote here for “You’re overthinking, just ask her.”
In person is definitely best; do it the next time you happen to see her in the hallway or lobby. “Hey, Julie! I’m glad I ran into you. I’ve been wondering if you’d like to join me at O’Malley’s for a drink after work.”
Stopping by her desk is OK if you don’t see her by chance often enough, but it’s her space and she may be busy, so the dynamics may not play to your favor.
I’d advise against e-mail, for the simple reason of the “forward” button. You say you don’t know her well; worst-case scenario is she turns out to be a crazy bitch who will relay your “inappropriate” e-mail to HR or even the entire company. An in-person “no” might sting a little and then you’ll get over it.
No matter how you decide to ask her, though, ask her. Then come back here and tell us what happened.
I honestly hadn’t thought I was being vague about this. The emails have been friendly, professional, and one-to-one. It’s very much between the two extremes you described.
I can confirm no ring, but presence of boyfriend/kid are unknowns.
What about rosary beads? Perhaps she’s preparing to become a Bride of Christ.
You’d better jump on this thing quick; the more you dither and the greater number of people who weigh in on this thread, the greater likelihood she is unavailable/married to a volcano.
I guess that is contriving a situation to run into her, but that’s not like he’s deliberately walking past her cube every 5 minutes in the hopes she notices him, either!