this. This guy is so unprofessional, so inappropriate.
My response would be to record everything he says (types) from now on, and make every attempt to bring conversations back to work/business things. I would also make a point of mentioning his wife regularly; “So, how’s your wife today?” “Did your wife go with you?” “Has your wife seen that movie/read that book/whatever?” Make it excruciatingly clear that you have zero interest in being his bitch about his wife confidante.
ETA: I think your requirement here is firm up boundaries with this guy, since he doesn’t seem to have any himself.
I agree with a lot of the advice given so far, namely steering the conversation away from non work- related topics and even inventing a boyfriend.
Perhaps you could also not be so available if he calls during non working hours or days (being on your way out for a date with said boyfriend would be a good way of bringing him up without being too obvious). I don’t know the nature of your work, but you could perhaps even be too busy when the conversation gets derailed during workday chats. ETA: Meaning that the phone is ringing (work-related) or that email you have been waiting for just arrived so you need to wrap up the conversation and process it.
You might also not be very enthusiastic or interested in the articles etc he sends you (making yourself not as interesting a person as you originally might have seemed).
I would not go for the mentioning the wife advice, as he will probably be inclined to construe it as you empathizing with his woes, and therefore more buddy or mistress material.
I don’t know if this helps or not, but as a data point that’s pretty much how my dad behaves with his employees (and pretty much everyone else too) and he doesn’t mean anything by it, he’s just a friendly gossipy guy. So it’s not definitely inappropriate.
But if it makes you feel uncomfortable I don’t see why you should have to put up with it, just let him know.
Your dad casually talks about getting high and discusses intimate personal information about his wife or girlfriend with his employees? There’s gossip and there’s creepy. This is not just “gossip”.
Welcome to the Dope, **Anafiel **.
When I was a manager, I never would have said almost any of that stuff to women who reported to me.
Do you work for a big company with an HR department and on-line handbooks? If so, I’d refresh myself on what the harassment rules are. If he makes you uncomfortable, he is breaking them. Good for you for telling him to cut out the beautiful stuff, but that should have been a warning to restrain himself.
It doesn’t seem like he has gone far enough to really bother you, but it is a good idea to document things now so if he ever does you have a record of a continuous problem, so he won’t be able to say “I never did this before, she’s taking one conversation wrong.”
BTW, taking you out to dinner in a hotel is perfectly appropriate. Gossiping about your co-workers, not so much. At the moment my guess is that he is trying to get you to act interested. If you are lucky he’ll give up when you don’t. But, be prepared!
To everyone: thank you very much for the replies! It looks like the consensus is to set boundaries and gently remind my boss that I’m uncomfortable when he steps out of bounds.
One more detail: my boss is also the CEO.
I made the mistake of telling him during our intro dinner that I had recently broken up with my boyfriend and was more interested in working on improving my health than dating for the next few months, so an invented boyfriend might sound a little fake to him, but I’ll keep that in mind.
Some of you have suggested contacting HR or refreshing myself on the HR policies. Well, my company is a startup with only 16 employees, including myself and the boss, so there isn’t really any HR. And also, with only 16 employees, a request for the HR documentation might sound a little suspicious, and word would definitely get back to my boss the CEO.
One of the things I should have mentioned in my original post is that I’m angling for an executive position at some point in the next year or two, which is one of the reasons why I don’t want to push him away too much. The main reason why we chat so much is because I’m slowly taking on more and more of his managerial duties, and I hope to prove to him that I can be a good second in command. The more he sees me as his friend and confidante (but not his shrink or lover!) the more likely he will be to listen when I press my case for an executive appointment…at least that’s the way I see it. I just don’t want him to fall for me along the way!
Unfortunately, my default status needs to be “available” on Skype during normal business hours, because we work very closely together managing several projects, and when I’m not available he gets cross because things move very quickly at work. I can definitely not respond during off hours though, and I can stop responding to the off-topic emails.
I would say yes because based on what the OP wrote about her future goals, she may realize that sexual favors may eventually need to be exchanged for promotion or quit or file a lawsuit. Also, if it eventually comes to a harrassment lawsuit she should be keeping records of everything. If he’s just weird, then how much strangeness is she willing to put up with and she can be assured she won’t have to make the spread legs vs. losing job/promotion choice in the future.
This is why I asked if it was a big company. 16 people scratch HR.
My advice is for you to document, just in case, and start networking outside, but hope he loses his semi-crush on you, and hope that his wife improves. Only you can determine if the situation is intolerable. If it starts getting that way, take a shot at sitting down with him and telling him upfront that you like working for him but he is making you uncomfortable. It might work.
You are treading on dangerous ground. You started this job six weeks ago and you have a plan to become second in command of a startup company within a year or two while working remotely. You want to be the friend and confidante of the CEO, but you consider what he’s doing overstepping his bounds. It’s a very shaky tightrope to walk. You could easily end up out of a job by taking the wrong step. I’d say you should choose between taking a ‘just business’ attitude or dealing with a friendship with a guy who may have a thing for you. If your going to be that kind of friend you have to be able to talk to him about those things in some way. You can’t ignore those facets of his life if he insists on discussing them. Being a friend and confidante doesn’t mean being a lover, but it usually involves being a shrink.
Now I do understand your approach. You get paid for ability, you get promoted for trust. There’s nothing better than having both those attributes. But you are being asked for a level of trust you may not be able to handle. Even if he gets the idea you’re not interested in him, are you prepared to hear about an affair he’ll have with someone else? Will that person also be an employee? And in the end, how does your reactionss to these things affect his view of you? Each circumstance is different. Good luck with whatever path you take. You won’t get the brass ring unless you reach for it.
No, no it doesn’t. I’ve worked mostly via telecommuting for the last 4+ years, and no one has ever discussed personal information with me. They tell me what I need to know about the project to do my job, and that’s it. If we talk on the phone, we might engage in small talk, but it’s the same kind of impersonal small talk you’d get at an office – the weather, holidays coming up, maybe what we did over the weekend. No one mentions whether they got drunk/high last weekend, either.
You need to enforce your boundaries every time he crosses them. You can do this nicely – hopefully he’s a civil enough guy to accept your gentle corrections without making a big deal of it.
Whatever he says that makes you uncomfortable, just reply “I don’t think this is really an appropriate conversation for work. Let’s get back to Project XYZ.”
If he pushes even after that, you’ll need to push back harder, which may get into territory of considering whether this is really a good place to work. Hopefully it is, so it won’t get to that point. Maybe he’s just a gregarious guy who needs to be shown where the boundaries are before he sees them.
Also, if he’s attracted to you, that’s his problem to deal with, not yours. If he tries to make it yours, redirect back to work.
He is very anti-smoking (not any particular drug, just the act of smoking) so doesn’t take cannabis (although I keep trying to get him to have some) and wouldn’t speak badly about anyone, never mind my mum (who also works with him at their company, yes).
What I was getting at was:
Absolutely, in fact all you need to know that this is inappropriate is that Anafiel is bothered by it, therefore it’s de facto inappropriate. All I’m saying is that this person may not be being inappropriate unintentionally, and whatever the case is they need to be told. Trust me, my dad wouldn’t mind. Although everyone loves my dad so I don’t think this problem would arise in the first place.