In my state, natural parents automatically win a third party custody action unless they can be shown to have abandoned the child, severe abuse/neglect, or to be otherwise unfit. Two recent suicide attempts would way heavily against the father, but there’s not enough info on the mother.
Here, the grandparents–OP’s parents–are really not in an optimal position to seek custody given their own age/health problems. Splitting siblings is avoided whenever possible. The OP or another relative may have a better shot at obtaining custody, but it could get…unpleasant.
I don’t know what state these kids are in, the laws there may be different, I’m probably not licensed there, not your lawyer, not legal advice, etc etc ad nauseum.
There are no other relatives - none in town at any rate, and certainly none that would step in. Mark’s wife’s mother is in very poor health and lives in IIRC Tennessee with her other daughter.
Getting the police involved is a non-starter - whenever Mark has done actively criminal stuff it’s been against family who won’t press charges. My dad’s a millionaire with worthless credit thanks to his identity theft, for example. He has the brains not to pull shit on me, of course, because I’d have him in the clink before the ink dried on the police report. (I did wonder last year when somebody threw a rock through my window if his whereabouts could be accounted for.)
A gentle “let me take Junior off your hands after school for a bit” might not be the worst idea in the world. It’s too bad that I work full time, otherwise it would IMHO be a really valuable thing to pick them up from school in the afternoon, take them to my house, and observe homework and feed them dinner during the school week. Maybe I’ll suggest that to my mom - even with shuttling back and forth to Florida maybe she could manage to do that when they’re in town, and to make it easier I could cook dinner for all of us on those days.
Whoever upthread made the suggestion that I could move back in with my parents to do the heavy lifting for a few years… god, what a ghastly idea, but it’s something I hadn’t thought of. Hell of a thing to do to my parents, of course. Well, it’s their fault for not downsizing to a way smaller house - you got five bedrooms, you have to think maybe somebody’s gonna move back into one of 'em.
I agree with the others that CPS needs to get involved. That’s the first step… and a big, very important step. They will also have advice for you, if you want to help. They will know where to go from here, where you stand legally in your neck of the woods, etc.
Do you say this from experience, or are you just assuming? Because from my viewpoint there seems to be an awful lot of trust that CPS will do the right thing or actually be helpful, and I’m not convinced of that at all.
Or maybe I come from an area with really badly managed public services and a jacked up foster care system.
I have called CPS for an abusive situation before… but I’d still use them only as a last resort.
I think there’s a big issue here in terms of the fact that your Dad would never sue for custody, yet you and your Mum are discussion this option behind his back. There needs to be a realistic appraisal done here - would Dad actually consider taking on the kids? Because if you know 100% that he wouldn’t, then all you’re doing is daydreaming and wishing.
However, I do think there is a lot you can do to influence your niece and nephews, by becoming more involved in their lives, and making it clear to them that they can come and stay with you at anytime (if that’s an offer you’re willing to make to them). I know you’ve said your boyfriend wouldn’t be comfortable having the kids stay long term, but would he be comfortable with occassional nights over?
These kids are probably craving just a bit of normal life. Even if they aren’t staying with you, you can still include them in stuff you do. Offering to have them over after school is a great idea, plus you could perhaps arrange a monthly social trip somewhere with them - to the beach, the cinema, something like that.
I, personally, haven’t had to call them, but a good friend of mine went through something similar and CPS helped a lot. So yes, kind of from experience.
Well, it would require redoing a lot of stuff in the house, see - we finally decided it was stupid to have a guest bedroom, so we got rid of all that furniture and set that room up as my boyfriend’s office, etc., etc. I guess I could just get an air mattress?
I floated the “have them do their homework and eat dinner at your house” idea to my parents last night, and they thought it was worth some consideration - my dad said “Yeah, but we’d need a court order” and I said, no, that’s the beauty - tell Mark and spouse that we’re doing it for them. Don’t even mention the welfare of the children. Don’t turn it into something Mark can win, give him a way to be even lazier! I think he’d go for it, myself.
ETA - weekends are kind of tough for kids that age - they spend them with their friends, you know?
It’s hard to judge this from a distance and third-hand, but I tend to disagree with the automatic assumption here, and that’s why I second (nth) the advise of spending more time with the kids first, and asking their opinons. Yes, kids (and other family members) in destructive families can develop a “circle the wagon” attitude where the family is normal and anybody taking them away is bad. But also, many kids know that their family is broken, suffer from the situation (even those teens who are rebellious and a handful can suffer underneath, but not know how to do anything constructive, so they act obnoxious instead) and prefer getting out, even if the siblings might be seperated, to living with a jerk like the OP described.
So getting to know the kids and asking them honestly once trust has been built seems not only fair, but to make much sense.
And I can easily understand and believe the type of jerk who doesn’t help make his own family happy, but will fight tooth and nail against anybody else getting them … because that occurs quite often and is part of their psychological makeup to be possesive and competitive about their “possesions”. So a fight by involving the law might be unavoidable, but only if you know your chances are good.
It’s entirely possible that such a thing varies from area to area (in fact, I’d guarantee it), but speaking as a mandatory reporter, I’ve had to report several parents for all kinds of horrible shit. Each time, I was impressed with the prompt and incredibly serious response from CPS.
Of course, coming from a teacher-like-person, maybe they take that complaint a little more serious than a family member or person randomly calling? Who knows.
I remember a situation similar to this that came up about 10 years ago. This was my friend’s sister’s oldest kid. The sister was a train wreck - 3 kids by 3 different dads - drug problems, jumped from one loser boyfriend to the next, couldn’t keep a job, poor health (mental and physical), had been in jail, you name it. A week never went by without some sort of drama, money-begging, etc. The mom, three kids, and the boyfriend of the week were living in a squalid little trailer, but the “basic needs” of the kids were being met.
One of the grandparents had a sister (a great-aunt to the 3 kids in question) and she was always very fond of the oldest boy. She was fairly well-off financially (especially compared to the boy’s mom, and had never had any children herself.) When the boy was about 12, he’d just been held back a year in school, and the mom’s latest boyfriend was beating him up. The aunt got wind of it, and drove 200 miles to pick up the boy and took him back to her house, for a “visit” supposedly so he could help her with yard work.
She never took him back. The mom never had anything much to say about it, either. The aunt homeschooled the boy for a couple of years - he was caught up to grade level by then and entered high school at the regular age. Whatever behavioral problems he’d had before, apparently he was grateful enough for a stable home that she never had much trouble with him. He was a smart boy and wound up going to the state university and graduated last year. The great-aunt is in her mid to late 70s, and one would imagine that CPS probably would not have immediately awarded custody to her, had such a situation arose…
Anecdotal, I know… but I guess such arrangements can work out.
