Should I... ? (long)

In My Humble Opinion
1

My bestest, bestest friend from high school has moved back into town after 12 years (JESUS, it’s been that long?? I feel old :() and has gotten in touch with me again.

We lost touch due to her getting pregnant right after graduation and staying with the father who treated her like crap. He never let her go out with me anywhere; shopping, movies, nada… he thought I was stuck up and also very impetuous, as well as thinking I’d give her bad ideas about him (which was true since I didn’t like him). They moved far away, though she did call me once after getting a letter I’d written about how I was angry with him for being such a controlling prick. He actually listened in on the chat, btw.

Now that she’s back in town, I’m torn between wanting to be best friends again or letting her see how it feels to be shut out. I’ve missed her terribly over the years; we used to do the funniest, craziest things during the golden years of high school! She was crazy, hilarious and free-spirited but changed into a meek, little doormat after getting involved with this guy. It really hurt me to see how badly he treated her and after awhile, I stopped trying to get her out of the house and into the world again. She stopped wanting to do anything, which hurt me even more.

I wanted to share the experience of motherhood, I wanted to help her through the difficult relationship with her boyfriend if she needed it. She used to talk with me about her problems but stopped after awhile. I know how hard it was for her and I only wanted to offer a shoulder, an ear, a baby-sitter if she needed it (I know she did but her boyfriend didn’t trust her going anywhere). ANYTHING because she was my best friend.

I’d like some perspective on this, if you’re willing readers. I’m too close to this, I think, for seeing the big picture.

Should I… :

A. Welcome her back with open arms and forget/forgive everything from the past.

or

B. Basically show her what it’s like not having a friend anymore without a word.
or any variations thereof.

I’d like to have her in my life again but can I risk her doing it again
at some point down the road? I have other friends I have met through various groups and therapies for my daughter who is autistic (they have autistic children near to my daughter’s age and location) and we do things for them when we get together but it’s all we talk about, the autism, all we focus on. I need some other aspects to my life to round it out.

On a funny little sidenote, my high school friend and I both have children who are three years of age, both named Devyn. We never talked about that name in particular during high school, I don’t even remember hearing the name until years later. I spell my daughter’s name - Devyn, her son’s - Devin. We didn’t think we’d get married or have kids at all. We were going to rule the world!
I think I know what I want to do but I’d still like to “hear” from the masses.

2

I can sympathize. I had a slightly similar situation with a very dear friend. We were extremely close and shared everything. Not to mention we were very alike in many ways. I felt she understood me better than anyone else.

She lives elsewhere now. We kept in touch, mostly online since neither of us had much money. Our friendship stayed strong despite the distance.

Then one day she disappeared. I didn’t worry at first. I thought she was simply busy. A couple of days went by and I attempted to contact her. It took a month to track her down. She had some financial difficulties and couldn’t keep internet service. Of course, I understood. She was soon able to get everything settled.

Several months passed when she suddenly disappeared again. Once again I didn’t worry immediately, thinking she had problems again. I did try to contact her though; email, phone, letters. Never a response. I didn’t hear from her again for eight months. Turned out she had met a man, fallen in love and pretty much forgot about everyone else.

I cared about her greatly so of course I forgave her. Until it happened again. Another eight months went by. During that time I once again attempted to contact her to no avail. When she appeared again I found it very difficult to forgive her. I had worried all that time and my attempts were ignored. Of course it hurt. I probably would have forgiven her immediately if she had only emailed me to let me know how she was doing. A simple “Hi, I’m fine.” would have sufficed.

I discussed the situation with her in a rational manner, told her how much it hurt so she would know how much her behaviour effected me but she felt I was being unfair.

The friendship didn’t last after that, which I still regret on some level even though she was being inconsiderate.

Like I said, my situation was a little different from yours. My advice? At least talk to her and tell how you feel. Perhaps you will be able to work it out. If not, at least you made an effort.

3

I wouldn’t shut her out. We humans have only so much time on this Earth. Why waste it being unkind to each other?

4

I would welcome her back. She is someone very important to you, or was, and you have another chance to be friends with all that comes with that. Shutting her out would have you feeling shut out as well.

You can tell her how you felt about being shut out all those years, but mostly I think you should just go out for lunches and shopping and movies and have fun.

For some perspective on your friend’s relationship and why she shut you out, you might want to talk to a counselor at a battered women’s shelter. It might help you to understand why she did that (even though it will still hurt), how to help her now, and how to be friends.

5

This just struck me as really odd. Kind of like, I’m thinking about buying her a great birthday present or burning down her house.

I do not mean to this to be snarky, but it sounds to me like you don’t so much want to be friends with this person as you want to have a say in her life. From the OP, it seems like you were awfully involved, or wanted to be involved, or resent not being involved.

There are many different levels of friendship. Why not try the hang-out once in a while to kick back and just have a few laughs? Friendship doesn’t have to be so extreme.

Just my opinion.

6

We were best friends, we shared EVERYTHING good and bad. I was also good friends with her mother and when my friend moved away, I’d call just to talk to her mom.

Her mom was the kick-ass high school mom who went with us to rock concerts and movies. She was so much cooler than my own mother (my mom was the fuddy duddy mom… ah well).

I found out during that one phone call years later that her mom had died of cancer. DIED?!?!?!? OMG, my friend knew I loved her mom, too, and while I can try to understand how devastating the experience was for my friend, I felt extremely hurt that she did not ever tell me while her mom was alive but sick or even when the memorial service was. I spent the better part of my high school years at their house, I was like family. Finding out, I was devastated too.

It’s like my friend had just withered into herself. She was the same on the outside but it was like a shell, a husk. I mean she was this way as soon as she had her baby, way before her mom had become ill.

I know I can’t truly feel what she felt to have her beloved mother die so horribly but for her not to have at least told me when it happened, felt like a slap in the face, a “your-not-worth-sharing-in-my-life” kind of feeling.

Sat on Cookie: I wouldn’t have a problem with my friend had our relationship been just that; a once-in-awhile, hanging-out kind of thing. It was so much more and without any explanation, my friend just dropped off the face of the planet.

I dont want a say in her life, I want her to be happy and well-cared for by this guy she’s still with. I don’t think she needs permission to spend time with her friends if their relationship is healthy, which it wasn’t at the beginning. I’m not sure if it is now.

I mentioned the phone call where she and I talked (it was more like I was pulling teeth when I asked her any questions about her life). Without her telling me, he listened into the conversation on another phone. Does no one else find that a bit rude or sneaky, or even just plain wrong? I would never have let my boyfriend listen in without letting her know from the start… if I had let him listen at all.

She didn’t need me anymore, that’s how I feel but now she does? I don’t quite understand and I don’t play games that way. Like I said before, if she’s going to actually be there then I’d like to forgive. I’ve missed her.

7

An abuse victim (which is what your friend was) feels terrible about losing friendships, but there’s nothing they can do about it when they’re in that situation. If you really want her friendship, try to understand what she was going through and forget about the past slights.