I had been diagnosed with herpes years and years ago when doctors still believed you couldn’t transmit it if you didn’t currently have an outbreak. I had an outbreak maybe once a year and I took zovirax and it was gone in a day so I wasn’t exactly keeping up on Herpes news.
I went out with this girl for a year and she never had any problems. Nine months after we break up she tells me she has herpes - case that is so bad that if she doesn’t take valtrex every day she breaks out. She said she started having sex for the first time with someone else a week before - but that he doesn’t have herpes. She went ballistic when I said “Are you sure you didn’t get it from him, was he tested.” I mean, nine months is a long time to suddenly get such a horrible case of herpes and while it’s possible I don’t think it’s probable. Hopefully a few MD’s can chime in.
Anyway, she doesn’t have insurance. When I was going out with her I said it was insane to have no health insurance and that I would be willing to pay for it if she couldn’t. She did get it but changed and somehow she wasn’t covered for the period when she got it.
She called me and asked me to start paying for it. She was paying full retail price so I found a place that was half the price on the internet. She said she didn’t want the information on the internet but she would look into it.
She just called and my father answered because im at home. She told him everything about my having herpes and her now getting it and that I should pay for her meds. She was talking in his ear for 20 fucking minutes about it. She is a vengeful spiteful irrational girl when she get’s angry.
She said that it wouldn’t be so hard on her if I was sorry. I was sorry and i told her and i meant it . She took my questioning about the other guy was as full indication that I didn’t think I gave it to her.
So…
I’m not even sure I gave it to her
I told her to have health insurance
She won’t even get it cheaper on the internet
She has become vengeful and spiteful without even talking to me about it.
I don’t see what numbers 2-4 have to do with anything. Either paying for this is your responsibility or it isn’t. Her attitude and behavior doesn’t change that fact.
Here’s what I would do. I would ask her to ask her new lover to get tested. He should get tested in any case, just to be sure she hasn’t given it to him. If new lover is negative, I would volunteer to pay for at least part of the medicine (maybe half the cost of getting it from the Internet) for some period of time (a year?). It’s none of your business if she gets insurance, or actually buys the medicine from the Internet, etc. If new lover is positive, then that’s no guarantee that you didn’t infect her and she infected him, but it’s at least not definitely your fault. I’d say the situation is less clear cut at this point, and you should just offer whatever help you want to give.
As for her being angry and spiteful, she has good reason to believe you gave her herpes, and the symptoms you describe sound pretty miserable. I think she has a right to be pissed, and I don’t see why you’d expect her to keep your secrets for you at this point.
And Giraffe, don’t you find it a little odd that the very reason she didn’t want to order from the internet is because of privacy but she doesn’t have a problem calling up my father who she hardly even knows? It’s not like I rebuffed the idea of helping her. She called me once about it and I responded with the internet resource. Then she goes ballistic on my father. Unfortunately, while I admit there is a very good chance she got it from me she is completely unwilling to listen to any other possibility.
I don’t care about the legal aspects, I want to do what is morally right but I can’t even rehash the possiblities with her because she is so borderline nuts.
Giraffe, we have no reason to believe that sex between the OP and the subject of the question was anything other than consensual. I believe that people need to take responsibility for their actions and accept the consequences. If the sex was consensual, then she is as responsible as he is for what happened. If he is responsible for the cost of her medication, then who’s responsible for the cost of his medication? I don’t see him trying to recoup the expense from whoever gave him herpes.
KidCharlemagne, if you had led your ex-girlfriend to believe that you didn’t have herpes when you started having sex then I’d say you were a distasteful sort of person, or if you were otherwise careless with her health, then shame on you. But even if this were the case, I don’t think you’d be technically responsible for the cost of her medication, although it would be a nice gesture of you to help her if you can afford it.
Also, I don’t think you should be surprised that she wants to make things difficult for you at home or that she’s losing her temper here. She’s probably going through a hell of a time, as I’m sure you did when you found out you had herpes, and fair or not, she probably holds you at least partly responsible.
Kid, I truly sympathize – no one wants to deal with a pissed off ex. You may not be able to work anything out. But the fact that she is being inconsistent (valuing her own privacy but not yours) doesn’t change the course you should take. Be direct – tell her you will give her X amount of money for X length of time, if her boyfriend tests negative. Be direct, ignore any attempts to start a fight, and let her decide what to do. If the boyfriend won’t get tested, then forget about it.
Or, if you think it’s really likely that you gave it to her, just give her the money. Erring on the side of kindness here wouldn’t be the worst thing to do.
cuauhtemoc, I don’t think Kid should have to pay the entire cost of the medication. But he has some responsibility for her being infected, if he infected her. If I gave someone an STD with such severe symptoms, I would feel some responsibility to help them out, even if just for a little while. That doesn’t absolve her of her own responsibility to protect herself, but it’s not like having her medicine partly subsidized means she gets off scot-free. She does still have a bad case of herpes.
I don’t know about the specifics of herpes, but from a basic human issue standpoint, In Conceivable sounds spot on - if you warned your gf beforehand (and you claim you did) and you practiced safe sex - however that works with herpes, e.g., using a condom, not having sex with a shedding sore, or whatever - then you did you job. She did have a choice her (assuming you didn’t force yourself on her) - she chose to sleep with you.
If either of those conditions aren’t so - e.g., you didn’t warn her or you didn’t practice good herpes preventative behaviors - then I could see you having to help out cost-wise. Otherwise, no way - you did you part…
Herpes isn’t curable, as far as I know. Given that, how long does she expect you to pay for her medication? The rest of her life?
Even if you had lied to her or otherwise not been up front about having Herpes before sleeping with her, a person’s health care is their own responsibility. It’s not paritcularly difficult to find information about the risks that come with having sex. She knew you had herpes and chose to sleep with you. She now has to live with the consequences of her actions.
KidCharlemagne I think you did what is morally correct. You told her BEFORE engageing with sexual contact with her, you then offered to help pay for meds.
Actually, you went beyond what should be required of you.
She is an adult and made her choice and can not blame you or hold you responsible forever.
Things happen even when percautions are taken. Condoms do not always work.yet if one gets pregnant they cannot sue the condom company.
She can not lay the blame at your feet and stop there… you obtained it from someone… and that person from someone else.
I am sorry she is calling your parents house. It is much easier to lash out and blame others than yourself.
Also… the length of time is a long time. What about her not taking her body more seriously and getting checked every 6 months insted of 9 months (or year). She obviously went in to a sexual relationship with the “new” guy with out being tested first. That is much more neglegant than what you did.
The problem with herpes tests are that they are notorious for giving false negatives. My initial test came back negative but the doctor just said, trust me, you’ve got herpes. You can get herpes from mouth to genital as well as genital to genital. Problem is I can’t bring up the POSSIBILITY that she got it from someone else without her becoming completely irrational. I can’t even get the information I need to make a decision. The girl who I got herpes from tested negative as well. They just aren’t trustworthy.
I agree with MrVisible about comitting to anything. When you offer her money, you are almost admitting that you are to blame. And most of us don’t think you are (you warned her beforehand of your conditions). And with MrVisible’s links, it makes it look more like the new guy is responsible.
9 months is indeed an outlier. The problem is that doctors have been so wrong about herpes before that they don’t rule anything out as a possibility these days.
They don’t need to rule it out. They just have to verify that it is, indeed, a remote possibility, overshadowed by the likelihood that she got it somewhere else.
The other thing I wanted to mention is that she may be being played by the other guy. He might be trying the old “oh my god you gave me a disease” trick, trying to get out of the fact that he had it, and didn’t tell her. Her denial about that may be fueling her vehemence towards you.
Be careful, talk to a doctor, don’t commit to anything until you have some facts.
But it all comes down to… she knew what she was getting into. She made an informed decision a long time ago, and now she wants you to pay for the (unlikely) consequences of that decision. What she’s doing to you is in no way fair.
My best friend has it to where she must take valtrex everyday.
She has had it for years and never knew the exact “source” due to the pin point and the “outbreak” signs that were thought to be required years before by doctors.
Her husband has not obtained it and they have been married 2 years.
I mentioned the links to her (about the 2-12 days) not that it really matters since she has had it about 10+ years.
I would like to know about the link where you get the meds cheaper. It is costly for her and sadly she works for a small company and no insurance (same goes for her hubby).
Anyway. I think it is just a matter of her being able to blame you. You have IMO done what is correct. Hopefully she will leave it alone and not bother calling people up.
I never gave her a specific address but type “valtrex discount” in google and a ton of pharmacies will come up. Some are more discounted than others. Find one that looks legit. GL