Well we did have a nice long talk last night. It was difficult for both of us but we did it.
We covered a lot of ground and we cleared the air on a lot of things. It is a problem of mine that I’ve been trying to read important significance into every tiny guesture and phrase. (note: bad! Stop that!) She is pressuring herself to ‘fix it’ like one changes a light bulb, so since she has not turned around overnight she (guess what) feels terrible guilt which impeads her progress towards change.
I, on the other hand, feel this incredible limbo/don’t know what to do or say feeling that fairly paralyzes me, which in turn leads her to assuming how I feel and getting it wrong.
Spooje not everything I said is 100% accurate. This is only my side of the story and I am an emotional wreck. Mrs. Z comes from a freakishly close family and her mother comes from a freakishly close family. Recently one of her aunts marriage started the breakup processs and it came out that the aunt was having an affair. Her family sided with her husband (the in-law) and have practically shunned this woman. Mrs. Z did so as well but was one of the first to let up on her. Mrs. Z comes from a family, and she herself, that believes that adultry is about the worst thing in the world and that Hester Pryne got off easy. In short if she actually did that she would pretty much self-destruct.
Anyway thank you all again for the advice and good wishes.
BTW Life or Something Like is not a very good movie. It started out ok but the last reel totally sucks.
Zebra- I don’t know if this will help or hurt but I have been on the side of the fence that your wife is on. I’m divorced now. We were married for 14 years and at least 7 of those years were pure hell! Simple truth is I fell out of love with my ex and just could not bring myself to be honest with him because I did not want to be the “bad Guy” who broke up our family. I gave him the whole “I love you but not in love with you” thing. Refused to have sex with him until I came to terms with my feelings etc. The sex thing was actually why he made the final decision that he wanted out of the marriage. I pulled every stall tactic for years because I didn’t want to be with him anymore but did not have the guts to follow up on it. Sounds like a dangerous situation to me if your wife will be spendimg considerable time with someone she may or may not be attracted to! Please consider sitting down with her for a final time and ask her what it is that she wants from you and does she want to continue with this relationship. Do not accept the “I love you but I’m not in love with you” or “I dont know what I want” She probably knows exactly what she wants and you need to insist that she truthfully lets you know exactly what that is! you deserve no less than that from her.
Just thought I’d add my little bit too - I really hope it works out for you - you sound similar to me, a bit too willing to put other people before yourself.
I was married less than 3 months (been with her about 6 yrs before) when my wife starting acting like Mrs Z (down to the sex, the going out, the not calling, etc.). Eventually, I had to bite the bullet and have it out with her, scary though it was. I was getting really ill with all the stress. Once it was all out on the table, it was clear there was no future for us - apart from anything else, like someone says above, deliberate withdrawal of love and affection is about as cruel as you can be to someone - and I realised that I could never forgive her behaviour (I guess Mrs Z is a bit different if she already has identified problems).
I’m divorced now, one year on - but very very happy with another girl that I’ve met.
I guess what I’m saying is that if things hit rock bottom - there’s only one way they can go, and that’s UP. Stay positive, no matter what.
I really hope it all works out for you one way or another!!
