This hasn’t been keeping me up nights but I figured I’d throw it out there for consideration.
My aunt introduced me to her friend’s niece. We spent some time talking on the phone and emailing, then agreed to get together for lunch. Lunch was fine, had a nice time hanging out, talking, walking around, etc. At the end of the day she told me that she’d had a great time and she’d like to get together again.
Fine by me, so we agreed to shoot for the following weekend. She didn’t return my calls, then emailed me after the weekend explaining that she’d been (a) sick and (b) planning for Passover. Fair enough, I was busy with (b) as well, we said “Another time”.
Couple more emails and as I was going to be out of town for a few long weekends she asked if I’d like to get together on a particular night. Sure thing, I said that I’d call her when I got back in town and we’d go out.
I got back, left her a message, never heard back. That was about a week ago.
It doesn’t bother me if she doesn’t want to go out again, or if she didn’t feel any chemistry, or whatever. However something that always chaps my hide is people who won’t extend the common courtesy of saying so, while also making it sound like they do in fact want to go out. And if somebody is being rude I find myself wanting to check them on it.
So I thought about sending her a polite message that it’s OK to not want to go out but if she’s (too busy, not interested, etc) she really ought to just say that rather than wasting my time. Won’t make any difference to me but just perhaps she’ll be a little more straight with the next guy.
It is possible she didn’t get the message, or that there’s some other legitimate reason she didn’t get back to you. I’d give her another call, or email her, and ask her again if she’d like to get together, without any commentary about what you think about her manners.
According to Miss Manners, you should never comment on someone else’s rudeness. It’s just as rude as whatever they did in the first place. Some people just cannot handle telling someone flat out that they don’t want to go out with them- I’d just take it as a sign and move on if I were you.
If this were a longstanding friend, that would be another question, but for a new acquaintance, no. First of all, the people you decide to become friends with is often more a function of how much time you have and what activities you have time for, rather than a judgement on their personality. Especially in this case, it just sounds like she doesn’t has as much time as she thought she did. Also, for a casual acquaintance, I personally think ignoring the phone calls is less rude than saying “sorry, we just don’t have enough friendship chemistry for me to make time for you.” Obviously you disagree, and your outlook perfectly reasonable, but my point is that this sort of bluntness is not the universal rule, IMHO.
What I would do, however, is wait for her to write you again, and reply with something like “well, I hate bothering you with all my emails, so instead of trying to make plans again, why don’t you just call me when you are ready to get together.” She should get the hint.
FWIW, I do think ignoring calls is rude, but the most polite thing to do would to be to return the call, thank the person for the invite, but say that you are very busy and maybe you’ll see each other at such-and-such’s next party.
Ah jeez. I remember reading a perfect solution for that situation a while back. I just can’t find it anywhere so I’ll summarize.
You set up one more date with her, but that evening you call her to cancel. You’ve got to wait at the house for a Fedex delivery that you must have for work or something the next morning. Then she’s just going on about how much she was looking forward to going out and you’re all broken up about having to break the date. Let that go on for about 5 minutes and then, HEY! My package is here. I’ll pick you up in 15 minutes…
Put the ball in her court. “I’m sorry we couldn’t get together as planned. Give me a call if you want to do something.”
Yes, it’s rude that she hasn’t said anything, but letting someone down is the hardest part of dating. Cut her some slack; I’m sure she’s stressing over the fact that she doesn’t know how to do it gracefully.
Oh, I feel so silly, I didn’t realize this was a dating thing!! I know it was obvious, but really, I have girlfriends who analyze their friendships like that. So sorry, ignore my post! See Kalhoun et. al.
A Traffic Guy costume: Hard Hat, Reflective Vest, Flag.
A full-length mirror.
Hang the mirror. Place the cone near the mirror. Dress up in the traffic costume. Stand facing to the mirror. Wave the flag around, say to yourself: “Move Along, Nothing to See Here”.