Is this rude or justifiable?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

OK, bear with me, there’s a bit of a story to this.

I was set up, somewhat voluntarily with this girl (Jamie) about a month ago. It wasn’t a date, per se, but we did have an opportunity to talk in a group setting, and it seemed to go pretty well–as far as I could tell we both had a good time. She even asked if I would be in the area again (it’s a 90 minute drive, which is probably borderline for me, but acceptable).

However, she did say (the dreaded) “I’m not looking for a boyfriend right now,” which translated, generally means, “I don’t want you, in particular, as a boyfriend.” I thought I made it clear I understood her (frankly I don’t know her well enough to say I want her as a girlfriend), but in retrospect perhaps I didn’t make that clear enough. My real intention was simply to make a new friend, and if it went farther, fine. If not, that’s OK, too.

Anyway, I ended up having to call her a couple times about a misunderstanding that popped between a me and the girl who introduced us (Sue). During those conversations, I hinted at possibly getting together again, but she sounded pretty busy that weekend and reiterated the “don’t want at boyfriend” line. She was still friendly and we had a good converstaion, but I try to give her my number, and she says she’ll get from Sue if she wants it. “Fine, she’s not probably not even interested in seeing me in a friendly manner again,” I’m thinking…

So three weeks go by, and I give Sue a call. Sue says Jamie mentioned I hadn’t called her. I should have asked Sue whether that was a good or bad thing, but missed the opportunity. So I figure, hey, maybe I’ll give Jamie a call and just see how she’s doing. I get the answering machine (they screen their calls) and end up leaving a message because nobody picks up. I try again 3 days later after no response; again nothing. Now last night I ask Sue if Jamie’s on Spring Break or something because she hasn’t returned my calls, to which Sue responds, “She probably won’t be calling you back.” When I ask why, I get nothing from her.

So the question is, at what point is it rude not to return phone calls? I was never rude, offensive, or aggressive toward her, and the only thing I’m guilty of is miscommunication, and she is probably just as guilty of that. Certainly she is getting her point across now, but why not just say something? Maybe because she thinks that since we never went out, she doesn’t owe me anything, even a little consideration?

I’ve had similar things happen before, so I know this isn’t unique… Are there any women out there who use the same tactic that would care to explain?

2

I am so glad that I am engaged to a wonderful woman, so I don’t have to deal with any of these fucking games anymore…

Yer pal,
Satan

http://www.raleighmusic.com/board/Images/devil.gif

I HAVE BEEN SMOKE-FREE FOR:
One week, one day, 17 hours, 43 minutes and 22 seconds.
349 cigarettes not smoked, saving $43.69.
Life saved: 1 day, 5 hours, 5 minutes.

3

You really don’t appear to have done anything wrong, doesn’t seem too much for me, but what do I know?
Honestly it is a bit rude that she couldn’t talk to you herself, that you just have to hear it along the line.
I think if she is doing that, then maybe you shouldn’t even bother with her as a friend.

Don’t take it to heart

Gumby

“Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is like expecting a bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.” Dennis Wholey

4

She’s being a dork. Watch Swingers. Lots of good info in that one.

And my handle is NOT based on Hitchhiker’s Guide. It’s Neitzche.

A little persistance goes a long way. Announcing:

“I go on guilt trips a couple of time a year. Mom books them for me.” A custom made Wally .sig!

5

It’s not so much the fucking games that bother me.

It’s this kind, the mind games.

6

Satan: I was under the impression that you still play games, it’s just that they’re a helluva lot more fun…

SR, I didn’t say it was [in the kitten naming thread], but simply asked if indeed one of the mice was so named. I haven’t read much in the way of philosophy, though I suppose I should… I did read some Kafka this weekend, though. (Now I’m afraid of waking up and finding that I’ve turned into a giant dung beetle for no reason :wink: ) Maybe I’ll pick up Swingers the next time I stop at the video store–they’re running out of movies I want to see but haven’t yet.

Gumby, I’m not torn up about it or anything, but since being completely ignored by the women I’ve asked out is a continuing theme in my life, I figured I’d bring it up.

A little more info on the whole situation: Sue and Jamie work together, and I went on three dates with Sue prior to meeting Jamie. Sue is very cool and apparently really likes me (God knows why…), but I know she’s not ready to settle down. And there were other things that bothered me about a possible relationship with her, so I made sure she knew about it after I came to the conclusion it wouldn’t work.

Now, I realize Sue probably still has some feelings for me, and one might think that she is sabotaging this thing with Jamie, but I honestly don’t think she is doing that.

Ugh… I didn’t intend for this to get so detailed. Sorry if this bores anyone to death. I’d still be interested in hearing from someone who’s actually done this to see what their motivation was. (Preferably when the asking person was not a complete jerk…)

7

I suggest calling her, and leaving an answering machine message somewhere along the lines of, “I think there may have been some kind of miscommunication here. I’d really like to talk to you again, and get it sorted out. Please call.”

If she doesn’t call, it’s her problem, not yours.

Cessandra

I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for those meddling kids!

8

Dude,

What it boils down to is that the question behind the question is, “What the hell are women all about?” Well, forget it. My rule is if I call someone twice, anyone male or female, and they don’t call back, forget about it. They’re not interested and extending yourself any further is a waste of time.

To answer the OP, yes it is very rude.

I have to disagree with Cessandra and say Jamie’s lost her opportunity. Do NOT call her again.

Finally, if Sue is still available, where is she? Have you got her number? Please don’t post it, e-mail it to me. If you can’t be with the one you love, honey, love the one you’re with.

A year from now this will all seem like it was twelve months ago. - Akatsumi

9

Man…I whole heartedly CONCUR!!! Dating head games rate right up there with Kidney stones!

Rich “G7SUBS”

10

Mrblue,

if she wants to go out with you, she would let you know. Your first clue is that she turned you down a few times. Yes, whats she doing is rude, she should at least call you back and say (again) that she’s not interested. But, don’t call her anymore. Her friend did tell you that you wouldn’t be hearing from her, and I think it would be wise to leave it at that. Shes not even worthy of being your friend. Move on.
I agree with the two calls and thats it rule. Don’t waste your time. Thats the most important thing I’ve realized since I’ve started dating.

“I am so smart, I am so smart, s-m-r-t, i mean s-m-a-r-t”

11

Was I just lucky or something? I never had to play games like that.

Cessandra

I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for those meddling kids!

12

God, the messes we make of simple courtship rituals.

No, you were in no way rude. She stated she was only interested in friendship but then warped your reaction into being spurned romantically.

Oh piffle. She’s majorly screwed up or least bad news on two dainty, feminine feet. You paid her the ultimate HUMAN courtesy of taking her at her word.

Fair is goddamned fair. I’m a kickass feminist from way back who disdains the PC, whining, martyred nonsense that passes for responsibility.

She set the rules: friends. Well, friends don’t play sick little “gotcha” games baited with hormones and hope. She’s probably just young and confused, but she won’t be worth chasing until she figures herself out.

Walk away head-up; be a gent and politely decline her “invitation” to a no-win game. Don’t explain and don’t defend–just refuse to play. Women have an obligation to speak truth about themselves too.

You’ve been a class act. She’s immature, to say the least, and not up for anything much beyond games right now. When she can be honest, and an honest friend, then she may be worth your time and worry.

Veb

13

inertia: You can’t be serious. Of course I’ve got Sue’s number, but I’m not going to e-mail it to every Tom, Dick, and Harry on the internet. If she didn’t already hate me for letting her down, she’d hate me for that… Hell, even if I knew you I’d probably be reluctant. But thanks for the advice–that goes for all you guys.

Veb: You are definitely a very insightful person. You pointed out something that I really hadn’t considered–that perhaps she was interested and was playing hard to get. When I didn’t call her for those three weeks, it would have pissed her off and now she refuses to call back. That actually makes some sense.

I guess I have been assuming that she’s been telling the truth, and, for some reason, I always operate on the assumption that women are not attracted to me (see the previous post about being ignored). Perhaps I just have the bad luck of finding immature women… Thanks for the compliment (although the grammar errors in the OP might not qualify me as a “class act”–my brain often works faster than my fingers).

Honestly a part of me would still like to see her again, if only to clear the air, but I agree with the majority in that there’s not much point when she’s acting this way. I suppose I could go the persistance route and call her every day until she responds, but what a waste of time! I’ll talk to Sue (I might see her this weekend) and see if she will confirm Veb’s theory (which seems likely), though I have a feeling she’ll remain tight-lipped, so as not to betray Jamie’s confidence in her. Maybe Sue will get the point across to Jamie that I’m not going to jump through flaming hoops for her, but I’m not holding my breath.