I’ll agree with all the advice to leave the kids out of it - and go if you want to, but don’t have high expectations.
He may be on his deathbed and looking to apologize for all he’s done but it’s equally likely that he’s sick, irritable and will say nasty things to you again. Go if you want to but don’t let anyone tell you it must be a deathbed reconciliation, that’s only in the movies.
Well, I’m gonna disagree with everyone and say take the kids.
It doesn’t matter what he says or does, they’ll remember it for the rest of their lives - the time they met their birth grandad. It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity. How can you deny them a once in a lifetime opportunity?
If he gets emotional or ugly just withdraw them from the room. No biggie.
at the risk of intruding, how could your relation progress from nothing to worse, with vicious words to booth? seems like you know each other pretty well. all the more you should visit him. sorry if i sound aggresive.
I had the same decision to make in 2007.
I decided to go see him, but he died a few days before I could get there.
And I was completely ok with that. I had no idea what I was going to say to him, but didn’t want him to die thinking his only child hated him. (Not that he deserved that, but still.) To this day, I’m not sorry that I didn’t get to see him before he died. For me, I think God knew what I needed and arranged things accordingly.
I did go to the funeral which was really weird and essentially meaningless. A lot of the people there didn’t even know the dearly departed HAD a daughter. I’m glad I went only because I don’t regret going - but I may have regretted NOT going. Are you the type that’s more likely to regret the things you do, or regret the things you DON’T do? If it’s the latter (like me), give serious consideration to going, because this is not something you get to redo.
Whatever you decide, you’re taking a risk of regretting what you decide. That’s life. And if you do end up regretting whatever you decide - you’ll be ok. You have a full life; I doubt this is something that’s going to eat at you forever.
Do what you truly want to do. If you don’t want to see him, that’s fine - not going isn’t an indication of hate or bitterness towards him. If you do, that’s ok too - you’re not weak or wimpy if you want to take a shot at reconciliation. And whatever you decide, you don’t owe anyone an explanation.
What HE wants is irrelevant. This is one situation where it’s completely ok to look out only for Palo Verde’s best interests. Your dad has thought only of himself long enough - he doesn’t get to call the shots this time around.
Don’t involve the kids. This man is a complete stranger to them - plus depending on how old they are, they might be scared. Your dad had years to get to know them and chose not to - no need to mess up their vacation for someone who’s never had any interest in them.
I’not very close with my father. He split when I was seven. The only thing he did that bothered me is would be in town sometimes and wouldn’t let me know. So oh I don’t know we could catch up. We’re still not very close. But I intend to be there when the time comes if possible. Just for my own sake. My sister on the other hand has totally disowned him for superficial reasons. Because he’s a little rough around the edges and is covered in tattoos. I suspect she may regret this when later when he does in fact pass on.
If your asking the question, like others have mentioned your considering it for one reason or another as something that may be important to you. Despite his history with you this maybe something later on you maybe glad you did. Maybe he has something important to say to you.
That may give you some closure. Hopefully he’s not an ass to you. That may be a chance you have to take.
If it was me. I’d go.
Kid’s … no!!!
You visiting is a hard question that only you can answer. You need to be prepared for the best and the worst. For me this question was easy, when my brother got the call he hung up on the family after a few choice words. Never have I been in such agreement with my brother.
Meflin
Go see him, and tell him that even after he dies, you & your mother will file a claim against his estate for all the past-due child support. And that such a claim takes precedence over his bequests to his current wife/girlfriend, new children, etc.
boy, i’m a stranger to this thread!
I agree with others who say do not involve the children. Whether you feel you yourself need to visit is something you will have to decide for yourself, but I urge you not to feel guilty if you don’t. Your case is a little similar to mine in that I became estranged from my mother. Don’t even know if she is still alive (she’d be 78 now if she is). If word ever came to me that she was dying, the biggest kindness I could give would be not visiting her, because believe me when I say she would not die peacefully if she heard anything I had to say to her.
Keep in mind the him leaving/divorce stuff happened when you were pretty little. You may not know the real/whole story. His poor behavior later on may have been his anger at the divorce and loosing his kid. Heck, from HIS point of view he may feel he was the one that got screwed because his kid was taken from him and his kid abandoned him. Not saying that is or isnt what actually happened, but he may think that. Or maybe he left because he knew he would be a shitty father and husband and you guys would be better off with him leaving.
And you say the relationship deteriorated and you are estranged. Just HOW bad is it/was it? Where the issues something that honestly put him in the Hitler class or is it not that bad and maybe you are making more of it than there is?
You don’t need to answer these questions to me. But I think you do need to answer them for yourself and that may guide your decision to visit him or not.
my own experience (and very keen observation of men i know pretty well): understanding your father is probably the last adult lesson you’ll learn.
This is just what I was going to say. Go, but don’t involve the kids.
This. Plus, you’re more likely to regret not doing it later if you don’t, than regret doing it if you do.
Don’t do it for his sake, he hasn’t earned it. But if you think the chance to say goodbye, or tell him what an @$$hole he is, or even forgive him will be of benefit to you in the future, then take the opportunity.
For what it’s worth, those few I’ve known who had a similar opportunity were glad when they did and sorry when they didn’t. One would tell you “I was great to just remind myself what a jerk he was - I’ll never have to question that again.”
But I definitely wouldn’t subject children to this scene. You can’t predict how harsh or melodramatic it might be. If he’s on pain meds he could say absolutely anything and have very little control. Unless they are teenagers, and really balanced people, don’t take them.
I can’t tell you what you should do, but I can say what I would do: I would go. I saw my estranged father days before he died (unexpectedly, which made me even more glad I had finally contacted him). I was very glad I had done so. I hope whatever you do, you are at peace with it.
The kids? how old are they?
I’m estranged from my father, and this question has come to mind more than once. I’m not in this situation, so I don’t know what I’d do, but I think it would depend on other family members. If one asked me to visit him, I possibly would, but I can’t think of any good that would come of it for myself. I have no children, and have no desire for them, so that won’t be an issue, but in your case I think it depends how old they are. If they are old enough to make their own decision, then ask them. If not, I agree with everyone saying it’s a bad idea.
I’m estranged from my dad, but not by so many degrees of separation that I’d fail to be notified if he was on his deathbed (as my sister still talks to him, she’d pass on the news). So this is a question I’ve asked myself many times, and I’m really glad you made this thread.
The thing is, in my case, my dad is an overall decent friend and brother and son, but he was a fucking horrible husband and father. My sister was able to distance herself from his scary side more, being younger than me when he was around/when they got divorced… but, she understands why I don’t talk to him. I don’t think most of my extended family understands it, though.
So I’ll probably end up avoiding his deathbed and funeral based on a lack of desire to talk about the shit that happened when I was a kid, in the best interests of my sanity.
If arranging a side trip without the kids would be easiest, I’d do that. And if your dad’s name is Bill and he’s in Emmett, then yes. I’ve tried to get him to call you, but he figures things are too far gone to bother. Since my own family is like that - one kid talks to one parent but not the other, and the opposite for another kid - I just really hate to see things like that.
As to why bothering now…closure, for you. You’re the one who’s got to live with your decision, literally, so if going to see him soothes even one little ruffle or bit of doubt about yourself that would otherwise be in the background the rest of your days, it’s worth it.
I would go for a brief visit without the kids. I don’t see any good in bringing them into the picture.
So what you end up deciding, Palo?