A friend of mine has been trying to find a room to rent, but is not having much luck. He told me recently that he thinks it’s partly because he’s gay. I asked him how they’d even know, and he said that he mentions it every time he answers a Craig’s List ad. I was surprised, and told him I didn’t think that was necessary – all the prospective roommates needed to know at first was that he was clean and responsible and would pay the rent on time. If, during an interview, it naturally came up that he was gay, that was one thing, but no need to make a point of it any more than he’d need to mention his religion.
He disagreed. Since he’s openly gay, he figured it needed to be on the table just in case anyone else in the apartment had a problem with it. If he followed my advice, it might not come up that he was gay until after he had already moved in, at which point the fellow roommates might feel duped and uncomfortable, which would thus make it an uncomfortable living space for him.
I see his point, but I’m still kind of torn about it. What do you think, Dopers?
I agree with him. It’s much less tedious to have people say “no, thanks” up front than to come home one day to find your things on the street and the lock changed.
I agree it should be mentioned up front, having lived with a guy who clearly did have a problem with it and eventually decided that I couldn’t have guys over to stay (whether it was platonic or not) because it was too icky for him.
How is he mentioning it? Is he saying, “Just so you are aware, I’m gay, but it won’t impact my living situation in any way” or is he saying, “Just so you know, I will be having buttsex on your table when you are away.”
Unfortunately, I think it is an issue for many people so it’s better to mention it up front. Maybe instead of just saying, “Hi, I’m gay!” he could frame it as a positive: “You know, you’ll hardly know I’m here because I spend most weekends at my boyfriend’s place.”
Absolutely. I don’t care how much trouble I’m having finding a room, I would never be able to live with someone who had a problem with my sexual orientation. If you can’t live your life in your own home, where can you? Letting them know off the bat is just saving time.
However irrelevant his orientation “should” be, enough people care that he probably wants to weed them out early. Having said that, there is the issue of timing. If I were in your friend’s shoes I might wait until the second round of communication. Once the other party has invested effort in a reply email they might be less inclined to disregard out of hand.
Roommate hunting is interesting sometimes. Lots of questions like “can you be oblivious on command?” and “the screaming is none of your concern, okay?”
Sorta hijack. Is this the case in the US (and yes I currently live here). Growing up and living in NZ and Australia the norm is for mixed gender arrangements - we think (and I tend to agree) that it can make for more harmonious living
Depends on where and who you are. Mixed living arrangements are pretty common among young people, but there are some more conservative types who are vehemently against it. I’m currently living in a mixed house, though one of my housemates often has to deal with disapproval of her living arrangements from her sister when she goes home.
I’m in Canada, not the US, but landlords seem to want either all female, or mixed; tenants hunting for roommates tend to be the same, but are maybe a bit more open. I’m a woman, but I appreciate that apartment-hunting really sucks for men. I live in a house with three other women, and I wish we could get a man next time someone moves out - the tensions from skirting around issues and passive aggression is getting bad.
I see everyone’s points about why he should probably let people know. It’s unfortunate, but I guess that’s life, and to some people it would still be a problem.
I’m curious – would anyone say that this principle also applies on some level to applying for a job? Though jobs are different than living spaces, it’s true that on some level most of us do “live” at our jobs in some ways or other. So, if you are openly gay and you know that you’re going to be talking about your SO around the water cooler and have a picture of him/her at your desk just like everyone else, do you feel obliged to mention this when you’re applying for the job?
Probably a good idea to get it out there up front rather than move in and find you’re living with a raging bigot. Ugh. If they reject his app on the basis of his sexuality, it’s definitely a good thing that he didn’t move in there first.
If I were the person renting out the room, I’d just be making it clear that while they’re welcome to bring partners back, I wouldn’t tolerate loud sex from anyone. (Gay or straight wouldn’t come into it.) I’d also have a rule that nobody is to wander around the house naked - including their guests.
*Having said that, there’s no way short of economic collapse - mine - that I would ever share accommodation again. It was not a fun time. Actually, more ‘rules’ I’d implement, based on experience:
If you’re female, do NOT use my towels to wipe yourself when you have your period. And if you do, FFS wash the damn things; don’t hang them back up in the bathroom, covered with blood. (where’s the barfy smiley when you need it?)
I realise you like to keep your weight down, but bragging about eating nothing but ‘a handful of popcorn for the last few days’ a) explains a lot about you and b) makes me wish I could get you involuntarily committed.
Twirling around the house (literally, twirling. Like a kid playing spin-till-you-drop) is not normal behaviour. Stop it already. *
That’s not the same at all. I wouldn’t expect anyone to reveal their sexual orientation at a job interview. You don’t tell people that you’re heterosexual at a job interview, do you?
He should mention it if only to avoid himself annoying roommates that will make a fuss about it afterward. Some people are only tolerant of gays while others are accepting of it.
If your friend was renting out a room, I think ‘gay-friendly’ would suffice. But if he’s the one being interviewed, he’s best off getting it out in the open. There are plenty of lame ‘I don’t care if you’re gay just don’t flaunt it in my face’ folks who maintain a double standard when it comes to PDAs and the like.
No, but then I’m the one who didn’t think he needed to mention it to his roommates, either. I’m just curious to see how far people would want to push the principle. If a guy somehow mentioned his boyfriend in a job interview and the interviewer sprayed his coffee all over the room, would people prefer to know that ahead of time and avoid the hassle? Or would they think it better to wait until they get the job, and if it becomes a problem, fight it?
There’s a medium between his response email to the ad and mentioning it two months after he’s moved in. It can wait until he’s gone over to meet the people and see the room, but should be mentioned before handing them any money.
Not sure, but knowing him, probably the former.
I live in a house with three other women, and I wish we could get a man next time someone moves out - the tensions from skirting around issues and passive aggression is getting bad.