I’ll likely assume its because you are busy. I don’t expect my friends to be at my beck and call. If you care to share with me why you can’t come, I’ll listen. If it turns out to be for reasons that you really need a compassionate ear, we will set a time for lunch or dinner or coffee or cocktails or a walk, and if you need that compassionate ear right now - heck, I’ve called in sick to work to help friends through a sudden tragedy and gotten on planes with five hours notice.
I’m not a party person and if I never go to one again, it’d be too soon. Still, my wife likes dancing so, I’ll go and have fun with her.
Lots of people tell me “I love parties, they’re great” but, then, those same people cannot enjoy them unless they’re at lest on a heavy buzz. Maybe you like being drunk rather than parties?
Unless I was usually expected to buy a new 50-year single-malt to your parties every time and then you tell me “no booze”, I really can see how anything more than “sorry guys” is needed. You’re not saying “you have to take shits in a bucket in the middle of the dance floor” or things like that.
I admit I wonder sometimes what’s going to happen with these I party, I drink types if they ever have to take long term medicine where they can’t drink.
I’ve always wondered how some people have come to see weddings as transactional. As if purchasing a gift means you are entitled to everything you’d desire in a wedding. Which, in that case, does that mean the host can put a minimum gift $ amount to cover the charges of feeding them, boozing them, and the event space? 
It is as if some people believe the entire point of going to a wedding is to get sloshed as opposed to, you know, celebrating the bride and groom getting married.
People actually have considered charging to cover; they’ll write into etiquette sites or bride to be groups, or even reddit. “I know this might be tacky, but my wedding is expensive; can I let the guests know their gift has to be at least X to cover their food and drink?” They get told no, and two or three months later someone else is asking. To be fair in some areas cash wedding gifts can be $1000 or so per family*, which will cover, but don’t expect that in rural Indiana or if your family members are poor.
*This blows my mind, but I’m assured it’s not unusual in the NYC/New Jersey area.
Yep, weddings can be really expensive. Especially if you add booze - I’m positive that’s where most of these event places make their best money.
Maybe in some social groups and for some definitions of “per family” * but not nearly everyone getting married in NYC/New Jersey is in one of those groups.
* There’s a difference between an aunt and uncle and their two adult kids giving a $1000 gift and a married couple who are friends of the bride and groom giving a $1000 gift.
Not only that, but caterers recommend adding 20% more food if booze is going to be served because that’s how much more people tend to eat when they drink.
We are functionally “teetotal”, but you’d better bet that when we have people over, we stock up on beer and wine (and if my wife’s friend Stewart is coming, it’s a great excuse to buy a nice bottle of scotch I’d never get myself). As well as assorted White Claws* and soda pops and fizzy waters.
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*Good analogy here: I absolutely hate White Claw, and consider it a symptom of the fall of western civilization. But I’d never tell a guest they couldn’t drink it.
(And we do provide it for any soulless Pilates Book Club Moms that crash our gig…)
We mostly drink water. When people ask me if they can bring anything to a party, I tell them that if they want to drink something other than water, they should bring it.
I do keep some cans of soda in the basement fridge for my bridge friends, and if I’m having a largish party, I try to remember to pick up some soda for that. But it’s easy to forget, because “drinks” just aren’t really in my radar – there’s always plenty of water in the kitchen sink’s tap.
If you bring a sixpack of beer, or a bottle of wine, I’ll put it out with whatever other drinks I’ve remembered to provide, or other guests have brought.
My in-laws are not “functionally” teetotal, whatever that means, they are religiously so. They do stock a pleasant assortment of grape juices, though.
But the assumption is that it is because the refuser has an alcohol problem. Or can’t have fun without imbibing. Neither of those is my issue. If I was told, last minute, that this was a dry event and I should have already known that without it ever being communicated? I’d nope out. I don’t need to be lectured by anyone on my down time.
I did say there were some assumptions about people who wouldn’t attend an alcohol-free event. It’s a long thread and I can’t remember each individual post , but I’m pretty sure that not all of those comments about refusing to attend a dry event referred to a potluck or other events where each attendee contributed food or drink and they didn’t all specify the part about being “reminded” that it was a dry event as if you were supposed to know already.
Some of posts read as if the poster would refuse to attend their two year old’s niece’s birthday party or their best friend’s wedding if it was dry. I don’t understand how someone not wanting alcohol at their party is lecturing anyone. I’m kind of wondering if those same people refuse to attend events if their preferred meal isn’t served, and if not, what exactly is the reason they wouldn’t attend a dry event if they don’t have an alcohol problem and can have fun without drinking?
It’s not that I don’t drink- I do. And I have alcohol at my parties - if it’s a party outside my home, I have an open bar ( which sometimes costs as nearly as much as or more than the food) . But I can’t imagine refusing to go to a wedding or party just because it’s dry or feeling that I’m owed an explanation as to why it’s dry - it’s not really my business if my cousin’s bride’s aunt is an alcoholic and that’s why they are having a dry wedding.
For me, it’s that I have a finite number of days and hours to myself. The chance that I’m going to spend it on someone who thinks they are going to direct how I choose to enjoy. Mind you, I am a near tee totaler, Like, I drink less than 3 six packs of beer a year. I seldom drink wine or hard liquor. It’s not about the alcohol to me, and about the people who want to control every fucking thing around them.
So I have a favor to ask of everyone who would attend a wet event, but would decline a dry event. Can you please tell your host up front - without knowing if its wet or dry - that you will not attend any dry events? As a host of regular (when not coviding) wet events, I’d like to know not to bother to invite you to any of my events since you are there for the booze and not the company. I suspect I’m not the only host who would rather not have people who like my booze more than they like me at my parties. Besides, its very expensive to provide booze, I like to provide very good alcohol and give my friends a chance to try something they normally wouldn’t get to try (Kavalan whiskey is REALLY good) and I’d like to feel I’m not having to bribe people with it to be my friend.
I just find that all weird. I go to many events where there are certain expectations of their guests. It may be, no shoes in the house (fairly common – in fact, today I was at one), it may be vegetarian-only food because of religious reasons (once again, today.) It may lack alcohol for similar reasons or for others like in this thread. I might have to wear a kippa or rumal or similar head covering if I’m attending a service in a synogogue or a Sikh temple. At some non-religious events, I may have to dress up a certain way (formal wear, for example). These days I wear a mask if requested or advised. I don’t smoke indoors. (Well, I just don’t smoke anymore, but when I did, I would not be put off by the request not to smoke inside.) Every party has some sort of restrictions on what you can and cannot do so, within reason, I see no problem in a host having alcohol/drug or dietary restrictions.
I think the obligation is really only one way. As a host it is only good manners to let people know if there are strict rules or unusual requests in place regarding the event. People are then free to accept or decline accordingly, I don’t see that anyone has an obligation to say why they aren’t attending.
This.
The hosts set the rules for the party. Every party has some. I don’t get all this ‘but my freedom!’ business. Don’t go if you don’t want to go; don’t go if you don’t want to follow the particular rules; but not going just because they have some? How does one manage anything at all involving other people following that principle?
Yes, but people have a responsibility to let me know that they are not really my friends and only showing up for booze. I meant, I know the acceptable way to find this out is through trial and error - I invite you to the very boring high school graduation open house for my kid, and you never show up - you only show up for the fun stuff - but its much easier if you say “you know, stop inviting me. I really don’t like you.”
Or at least do us both the favor of refusing all invitations I send out. Don’t be a hypocrite about it.
You don’t have to accept all invitations, but if the only ones you do accept are the ones where I have a martini luge, I’d rather you just be up front about it so I know where we stand.