Should you make it clear in advance if the invitation is to a 'dry' event?

[Martin_Hyde]

I grew up in an immediate family where everyone drank, but we had relatively close wings of the family who were non-drinking Baptists. My take is that family events that have some history to them and/or broader understanding that “we don’t drink here”, it doesn’t need to be said. For events where there is a family history or established history of this event being one with drinking, it needs to be explicitly stated if you are changing that.

For broader social gatherings it’s going to be very contextual, I think. If I was invited to some sort of Islamic or Mormon celebration, I would not expect to be served alcohol, and would not expect they need to tell me that.

Now as to psychoanalyzing people who would opt out of a dry party, that’s a bunch of horse shit in my opinion. I have people I’m happy to hang out with without drinking, and I have other people that I’ll tolerate hanging out with, but probably not that long, and probably not that long without some sort of incentive. For example, as my elderly relatives died off and my extended family became more fractured, the “Baptist wing” is mostly made up of more distant relatives now. I have had interpersonal negative relationships with these people for many decades. They are not generally fun people to be around. If they wanted to have some big family get together, I’d be inclined to not go at all, but maybe I would show up just out of some sort of ancestral fidelity if I could have a few beers. But the core issue is these are people I don’t have much desire to see to begin with.

Most of my surviving family are family I never much liked to be honest, and I wouldn’t be willing to be “put out” very much to see them. If my family that I was much closer with was still around and had a dry party, it’d be a different calculus.

For weddings, leaving during the reception is not bad form, it’s actually normal. I would definitely be more likely to stay late at a wedding reception serving alcohol than one that didn’t. For the simple reason that wedding receptions with alcohol tend to turn into long social gatherings, ones without, people generally start to head home after the meal and after the various rituals that take place in the reception (the various toasts and cake cuttings etc.)

I would say if people I didn’t know that well, say “extended friends” that I don’t normally socialize with, invited me to some gathering and it wasn’t an explicitly religious gathering, and they made a big to do about it being dry, I would be unlikely to attend. Why? In my long years of experience most teetotalers have other personality features that tend to be held by people I don’t much like being around. I don’t really like preachy people, I don’t like excessively religious people, I don’t like judgy people. The “out” teetotalers tend towards all of those things in my personal experience.

[StarvingButStrong]

@DavidNRockies

To the OP: are you ready and willing to contact the prospective party hosts and get the rest of the story for us all ?

Well, barring some emergency, we’ll be going for at least part of the party. I doubt I’d be able NOT to hear all about the whys from the others.
One speculation I can rule out immediately: this is being held at the couples private home/yard, so there’s no question of some ‘venue rules’ playing a role.

[iamthewalrus_3]

@Martini_Enfield

However, my view is that I’m an adult, if I drink too much and wrap my car around a tree on the way home that’s a me problem, not on you as the host, and saying “No booze at the party because the weather’s a bit shit and I don’t want you having an accident as a result” just comes across as mothering and says you don’t trust my ability to make decisions - even if it’s coming from a place of caring.

This is a reasonable view, but depending on where you live, it is not consistent with the law.

@doreen

I mean, people don’t ban other food or drink entirely from a potluck because someone is allergic or intolerant.*

This isn’t a very good parallel. People who are allergic to shellfish don’t generally sneak a crab leg when no one is looking, then polish off the rest of the crab and wrap their car around a tree on the way home. Alcoholism is not like a food allergy.

[puzzlegal]

@Martin_Hyde

Now as to psychoanalyzing people who would opt out of a dry party, that’s a bunch of horse shit in my opinion. …
I have had interpersonal negative relationships with these people for many decades. They are not generally fun people to be around.
…
But the core issue is these are people I don’t have much desire to see to begin with.
…
Most of my surviving family are family I never much liked to be honest,

This is what i meant by “a family problem”. You don’t actually want to be with your family. So I think my psychoanalysis of you was on the money.

[Martin_Hyde]

Not everyone actually is close with or much likes family. Blood isn’t always everything. Also in my case the family I was close with is mostly dead of old age now OR are on the other side of the family from the nutter Baptists.

[Oredigger77]

@kayaker

If a family member is dating a vegan/vegetarian and the invitation specifically said NO MEAT DISHES, would my decision not to attend mean that I had an eating problem?

This is a great analogy. I stopped going to Thanksgiving with my Mom’s family since they couldn’t deal with the smell of meat and spending time with them wasn’t worth the terrible food.

If someone invited me to a vegetarian party I’d probably show up to be polite and leave quickly to go get food somewhere else. So my approach to no meat is almost identical to no booze, you’d have to be amazing people to be worth the hassle.

[madmonk28]

Also, spending time around the type of people who not only don’t drink, but want other people not to drink is a huge drag. They’re dull and joyless.

Hemingway said it best, “I drink to make other people interesting.”

[Martin_Hyde]

I have an aunt that went vegetarian a few years back (maybe more like 8-10 years back), our family Thanksgiving adjusted by having the host provide a couple dishes that are vegetarian and usually the aunt will bring her own vegetarian “Main” dish.

There’s ways to mix it up, but as a meat eater it’d be hard for me to enjoy a dinner-centric gathering if the only food was vegetarian.

[Oredigger77]

@Martin_Hyde

I have an aunt that went vegetarian a few years back (maybe more like 8-10 years back), our family Thanksgiving adjusted by having the host provide a couple dishes that are vegetarian and usually the aunt will bring her own vegetarian “Main” dish.

Oh, I’m happy to have vegetarian options and alternatives it was the banning of all meat due to the smell being offensive that got to me so I couldn’t bring a turkey leg for myself.

[aruvqan]

@Jasmine

I think it’s poor etiquette to throw that out there at the last minute but, personally, I really wouldn’t care as long as there is good 'ole cold H2O available. I don’t drink soda, though unsweetened ice tea would be fine.

Ditto - though I am fond of Arnold Palmers or even straight lemonade. Just not that horrible Hawaiian Punch/soda punchbowl.

I can drink, or not, I can eat meat or not, I am pretty willing to eat anything I am not allergic to with a few exceptions [durian, eggplant, zucchini, okra and really fishy tasting fish like sardines, mackeral and the like.]

When I throw a party, or just make a dish to pass, I try to have something that is vegan friendly [got a killer good vegan/kosher/halal minestrone] and I always bring a copy of the recipe so people can check to see if it has allergens in it.

[iamthewalrus_3]

My main takeaway from this thread is that I like my family more than many here. I wouldn’t care much if a family gathering had dietary rules that weren’t to my taste because I don’t get to see my family that much and I enjoy spending time with them!

If you see family gatherings as an obligation to be endured, then, sure, making the food and (lack of) drink less optimal makes it even more of a trudge.

[Taber]

@Oredigger77

f someone invited me to a vegetarian party I’d probably show up to be polite and leave quickly to go get food somewhere else. So my approach to no meat is almost identical to no booze, you’d have to be amazing people to be worth the hassle.

I’d probably just eat the pizza or lasagna instead of going for a second meal.

[doreen]

Did you see the post I was responding to , which mentioned that perhaps someone attending had a health condition or was on medication that made drinking alcohol dangerous? Nothing about alcoholism or wrapping a car around a tree. Or the rest of my post which mentioned one of the reasons to have a dry party is because someone has a drinking problem?

[JaneDoe42]

@puzzlegal

This is what i meant by “a family problem”. You don’t actually want to be with your family.

I have a serious family problem and will not spend time with them sober.

I like my friends, so dry gatherings aren’t a problem because I will be hanging out with people who’s company I enjoy.

I do feel that the no alcohol thing should have been announced up front, though.

[Horatius]

@doreen

Did you see the post I was responding to , which mentioned that perhaps someone attending had a health condition or was on medication that made drinking alcohol dangerous?

But unless that person is also an alcoholic who can’t control their drinking, this simply isn’t a good reason to ban everyone else from drinking*. At some point that one person has to expect to take the responsibility themselves.

And I say this as someone who likes to drink, but did give it up for six months in 2019/2020 for short-term medical reasons, but who also attended several family events where others had a few beers. There was no way I was going to expect them all to not drink anything just because I couldn’t.

*It could be a good reason to ban foods containing alcohol on the theory that it’s harder to know there’s booze in food, but no one “accidentally” cracks open a beer.

[puzzlegal]

@JaneDoe42

I do feel that the no alcohol thing should have been announced up front, though.

Yes, if there’s an event that people would reasonably to include booze, and the host wants it to be dry, it’s good to mention that up front.

[Odesio]

@puzzlegal

But… If socializing with your family sober is torture, i guess you shouldn’t go. I do think that suggests you either have a drinking problem or a family problem. But life is too short to spend a day being miserable if you don’t have to.

I think it’s largely a cultural thing rather than some need to become inebriated. For many people, it’s customary to crack open a few cold ones with their cousins as they reminisce or catch up with one another at family gatherings. I rarely drink, but I was going to be damned if I wasn’t going to have champagne to toast with at my wedding despite my future mother-in-law wanting us to eschew alcohol completely. To suddenly and unexpectedly be told you can’t do something you normally do without adequate reason is irritating to most people.

[Martin_Hyde]

@iamthewalrus_3

My main takeaway from this thread is that I like my family more than many here. I wouldn’t care much if a family gathering had dietary rules that weren’t to my taste because I don’t get to see my family that much and I enjoy spending time with them!

If you see family gatherings as an obligation to be endured, then, sure, making the food and (lack of) drink less optimal makes it even more of a trudge.

@JaneDoe42

@puzzlegal

This is what i meant by “a family problem”. You don’t actually want to be with your family.

I have a serious family problem and will not spend time with them sober.

I like my friends, so dry gatherings aren’t a problem because I will be hanging out with people who’s company I enjoy.

I do feel that the no alcohol thing should have been announced up front, though.

It’s absolutely true not everyone has a family they enjoy spending much time with, particularly when we’re talking more extended families. Lots of families are not all that close, for various reasons. My family has had a lot of things go down over the years, including extended legal disputes over inheritances, permanent shunnings between different familial factions, racial fracturing and bigotry factoring in and etc. Be grateful if you have a family you actually like to spend time with.

[iamthewalrus_3]

I see that I misread your post in context. Apologies.

[puzzlegal]

@Martin_Hyde

Be grateful if you have a family you actually like to spend time with.

I am!

And i didn’t mean to imply that there’s something wrong with you if you don’t like your family. Lots of people have toxic relatives, or toxic history with their relatives. I don’t know that is go to family events under those circumstances even if the food and drink were enticing, but who knows, maybe that would be enough to tip it over the edge.