Hah! That one’s easy. Just tell everyone your doctor has put you on diuretics. “I took it just before I got here, I’ll be pissing every half hour for the rest of the day!” Bonus, if you drink enough, you actually will be pissing every half hour!
I think I’m the one who suggested a “drinking problem or a family problem”. I didn’t mean to imply that anyone who enjoys having a cold beer at a picnic has an alcohol problem, but rather, if it’s not worth going to a family picnic without having your preferred food and drink, you must not like spending time with your family. (Or, if you enjoy spending time with your family, but can’t spend that much time in a dry environment, you may have an alcohol problem.)
I obviously live in a “drier” world than a lot of you. Literally the only event I go to knowing there will be booze is the Passover Seder. Or annual things that are the same every time. But any new event? I’ll find out when I get there if the host is serving beer or whatever. Maybe if I had a much higher a priori expectation of booze, I would be more disconcerted to learn that a particular event is dry.
But I’m a picky eater. I routinely go to events where there’s nothing I want to eat. I go because the social aspect of the event is worth my being there, even if I might be a bit hungry, or I end up eating nothing but potato chips and water, because they only served food I don’t care for. I feel like being disappointed by the spread is not that big a deal, unless the event isn’t one you especially wanted to go to in the first place.
Sure, it may be that you have a very different experience to me.
In my world it is completely the opposite. The default expectation in my world would be that alcohol would either be provided or accommodated. It would be exceedingly rare for it not to be (to the point where I can’t remember a single instance where this was not the case)
I’m trying to think of a type of event other than “Seder” where I assume there will be alcohol. Weddings? Usually, but I’ve been to a couple of dry weddings. I guess I’ve never been to a dry bar mitzvah, but my synagogue has started serving grape juice instead of wine, so if I went to one now it might be.
It’s not uncommon in my (secular) world for the host offer a hard drink. And when I hosted a mostly dry New Year’s eve party, someone brought some hard lemonade, which I put with the other drinks, and someone else brought her own bottle of sparkling cider, because she didn’t trust me to have a dry option for the midnight toast. 
Okay. In the end I went ahead and called the hostess of this gathering, with the excuse that since it was the first time she’d hosted anything like this, and a couple of years had passed, so maybe she’d forgotten something and would appreciate the offer to schlep things like paper napkins and wipes and drink cups and the eternally needed bags of ice … and ended up getting the full story.
Which is very sad, and she kept saying she didn’t want people to know because it would cast gloom over the get together but it she just kept going back to it – I think she really needed to unload about it. I assured her I wouldn’t pass it along, with the mental reservation ‘to anyone in the family or who might be there because they know us.’ Which I doubt includes any Dopers other than me.
For about the past year her mother has been experiencing stomach pains. It wasn’t severe at first, and it came and went, and it seemed to her to be related to what she might have eaten or how her system was just acting up. Plus she had a lifelong dread of hospitals due to a childhood thing, and there was that ‘covid thing’ so hospitals were centers of contagion and already over burdened and… Basically she convinced herself it was No Big Deal and did nothing. Until the pains got really bad and didn’t come and go any more. In brief, she has pancreatic cancer. Which, if you don’t know, is one of the worst. It advances quickly, is easy to overlook the early symptoms, and then it kills you quickly unless you were one of the very lucky ones where it is caught early.
According to her oncologist, she might make it to Thanksgiving or Christmas, but not in a state to really enjoy or celebrate them. So this party is really, really important to the hosts – it’ll be her last chance to be with a large family gathering, and one that is a ‘normal’ have a good time get together instead of a death watch gloomy thing.
An added complication. She and her husband were high school sweethearts and have been married more than 40 years. What I never known fully before is that her husband (lets call them Art and Bea for convenience, and their daughter/son-in-law/hosts Chris and Debbie) had been for the first couple of decades of their marriage what is apparently called a ‘high functioning alcoholic.’ Art started and ran his own business, earned a good living and supported his family – and basically slowly but steadily got drunk every night, from dinner until he’d ‘go to sleep’ on the couch. Apparently he wasn’t abusive, and never drove drunk (or at least never got caught at it) but he wasn’t really there for them as a husband or father. When Debbie (the youngest of their children) graduated and left for college, Bea gave him an ultimatum: stop drinking or we get divorced.
Obviously he stopped drinking, with the help of AA and therapy. What ‘outsiders’ such as me saw was nothing much. Yeah, Art used to be one of the heavy drinkers at parties, but not so that he stuck out. And then he stopped, but not in a showy way. He would just make excuses for why he didn’t want a drink just then – needing a clear head to deal with tax matters later on, feeling a bit queasy that day, just in the mood for some non-alcholic something, cutting back because he’d developed too much of a gut, things like that. Maybe others, especially those who socialized with them more often, realized what he was doing, but I just took it at face value, and gradually Art was mentally tagged as just one more of the non-drinkers in the family. No biggie.
On top of this, Bea has ALWAYS wanted to travel the world. In the early days they couldn’t because there wasn’t enough money, and then Art couldn’t step away from his barely started company, and then there were young children, and then, well, a lot of his time vanished into getting drunk and sleeping it off. And after he quit, he found out his business wasn’t running as smoothly as he’d always insisted it was and now he had a lot of work to fix old problems and rebuild and his hours at work expanded to eat up most of the time he’d regained and… So they never did any international travelling. Occasional weekends at some beach or lake or mountains, but nothing more. Bea wasn’t happy, but Art kept telling her ‘just a could more years’ and he can sell the business and then they;ll go everywhere! They’ll cruise and rent a house in Southern France for a month and go anywhere you want.
And it hadn’t happened yet. And maybe never would have. For sure now it never will. If it weren’t for Covid they could maybe manage some travel before Bea gets too weak, but as it is…no.
Art is devastated and guilty and he fell off the wagon. Managing to put himself in the hospital in just a single binge since he didn’t think at all about his system having long lost its habituation to alcohol. So far this was a single lapse, but Debbie is terrified. Her mother will need him, more and more and more over the next months. If he can’t be there for her…
So that is why the party suddenly went dry. She doesn’t want him to be tempted in any way, but he and her mother absolutely must attend the party. She thought saying she was just ‘reminding’ people about no alcohol would draw less attention and not lead into telling about his lapse/her mother’s cancer and thus spoiling this last family party for her mother.
Wow. It certainly makes it understandable (even if Debbie’s approach raised other questions). I’m sorry for what your family is going through.
Oh wow, I’m sorry to hear that.
Yeah, she mishandled it, but it wasn’t an easy thing to handle.
Seems like this nailed it, though.
Ugh.
That’s brutal. I think it’s great that you shared it with ‘us.’
I try to surprise myself, occasionally, with how much grace I can muster for those who are truly going through The Shit.
This is The Shit.
Personally, I could suppress any issues I may have had with how they handled this, and could even deprive myself of the drink that … really doesn’t mean that much to me in the first place 
I wish everybody well …
I don’t really think you’ve been judgy or anything in this thread, but to at least try and clarify where maybe the “drinkers” are coming from.
Not everyone has the same lifestyle, to be honest. I think there is a bit of a disconnect in this thread between people that genuinely enjoy drink, those who rarely if ever imbibe, and those who never imbibe. People that enjoy drink, when they have in the past through experience, ran into people who for any number of reasons rarely drink or never drink, there’s often an air of condescension or judgement that comes with it. The vast majority of drinkers are neither problem drinkers nor alcoholics. In many many social circles, drinking is standard with dinner or gatherings–even, shockingly, gatherings where no one intends to, or gets, drunk.
For me, I had a long history as a “heavy drinker” from about age 18 to about age 40. As part of a number of health-inspired lifestyle changes I stopped being a heavy drinker back then. Instead I became someone who actually appreciates alcohol. I enjoy good wines, all of my close friends do. We go to vineyards, we do wine tastings, we like to meet and discuss wines we’ve tried and wines we don’t. I’ve learned to appreciate fine wines and good whiskey more in the last 20 years than in the first 40 years of my life, but in the last 20 years I’m “drunk” maybe 3 times a year.
There is a whole world of people out there for whom alcohol is a core accompaniment to a meal or social gatherings, and it does not have to mean anyone is getting drunk. I’ve had plenty of meals at places where a party of four is probably pushing a $1000 dinner bill, and no one walked out drunk.
I also enjoy good food. If I was invited to a party where I was told “we will only be serving McDonald’s and Lays potato chips” it would be a major negative to me for that party, because I consider good food a core part of a good party. Me choosing to maybe not attend, or to attend only briefly, isn’t a sign that I’m “addicted” to good food, it’s a sign that I have expectations for social gatherings to judge them “a well put on affair” and gatherings that fall far short of that, generate much lower interest from me.
I drink. My husband is a teetotaler, so i don’t drink much. But i buy a bottle of champagne as well as sparkling cider for nye, and i drink the champagne.
I like a nice wine with my fancy dinner. I sometimes take advantage of having a built in designated driver, even.
I enjoy beer when i visit Germany.
But if my family were having a party and the food was McDonald’s, i wouldn’t boycott the party. I like seeing my family. Parties are mostly about the people. I love good food. I like to go to Michelin rated restaurants. But I’ve never turned down a party with people i wanted to spend time with due to the menu. (I’ve sometimes eaten in advance, I admit.)
And I think most people have not said they would boycott a party, but they have said they would not stay as long. Most people stay at shitty parties for less amount of time than well thrown parties. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your Mom or your brother if they throw an epic bad party that isn’t fun to be at, if you end up going home earlier from that party versus one that is generally enjoyable to attend.
Being dry does not automatically make the party shitty.
Having booze does not automatically make the party fun.
My choice to not drink does not mean I am judging (generic) you. I don’t even care about or know you.
And I haven’t said booze automatically makes a party fun. I have not said you are specifically judging anyone.
What I am saying is that I’ve been to lots of social gatherings in my 60 odd years of life, and there are characteristics of some social gatherings that follow certain trends. I don’t like children’s birthday parties, I don’t go to them. I have actually never been to a child’s birthday party that I enjoy. It is not relevant what food or drink is served at them. I do not have children, nor did I ever aspire to have children. Close relatives of mine (nieces and nephews) I may have gotten them gifts for their birthdays, but I probably did not attend most of their birthday parties. I realized early on, parties for little kids aren’t fun for me. As a non-parent, I do not feel any social obligation to go to them. This doesn’t mean I didn’t love my nieces and nephews when they were children, it simply means I don’t like children’s birthday parties.
There’s a weird undercurrent in this thread that you’re somehow a bad person if you judge a social event to not be fun. It doesn’t mean you don’t like the people involved in the social event. I don’t go to most religious ceremonies either because I am not religious, and I do not enjoy being present at or quasi-participating in religious ceremonies.
It has been my experience that if someone awkwardly advertises in some sort of group message or notice that “no booze is allowed”, it is usually associated with boorish people. Perhaps that has not been your experience, and that is great for you, it has been my experience. I don’t like parties thrown by boorish people. That’s much more the issue than whether alcohol is present or not, many social events with alcohol present, I have not even drank. I actually am very strict about potentially driving drunk, I will not have any alcohol at all 90 minutes before driving, and I won’t have more than 3 drinks at any event in which I will drive home after, regardless of the timing. Because of those self-imposed restrictions, many social functions I simply don’t have the time to even imbibe so to speak.
The reason I say that in my experience only boorish people make bold anti-alcohol proclamations in party invites, is because any number of more “acceptable” reasons for not allowing alcohol can usually be communicated better. One of my sister’s for one of her weddings, it was held at a city park that disallowed alcohol, this was made well known to everyone. An invitation to a Mormon or Islamic event, basic cultural awareness precludes a need to mention that alcohol will neither be served nor welcome. The presence of a recovering alcoholic who is in a condition where they really cannot be around alcohol, can generally be communicated with various forms of tact.
Exhausting those options, I find that such a proclamation of NO BOOZE is frequently the province of busy bodies or various moral crusaders who are simply not fun to be around. That is why I consider the host in OP’s story to have “fucked up”, she had a very valid reason to not have alcohol, but announced it in a weird way that cast a weird light on the event. It simply should have been managed better.
Does “boorish” mean something else in Australia? Because to me, people who would say “no alcohol allowed” seem the exact opposite of “boorish.” The loud drunk shouting obscenities at the party is boorish.
I think it means “how dare you spoil my fun?”
Oh, no. I know the host doesn’t want to spread word about what’s happening, but would it be appropriate for you to discretely reach out to the complainers and say something like, “You need to drop this, there’s stuff going on here that you don’t know about.”? I’m concerned that the complainers will carry their complaints to the party, killing the mood anyway and risking Art’s sobriety if he thinks he’s the “reason” why guests are having a bad time.
Yeah, it conceivably could be a problem, but I think you (and Debbie) both underestimate the power of a family grapevine. Since I spoke to her (just yesterday!) I’ve gotten emails and calls from three other family members ‘discretely’ passing along the news of why the party is dry, in more or less detail, and all of them pretty accurate to what Debbie told me directly. So if anyone DOESN’T get the news and starts griping, or starts defiantly drinking openly, I’m sure they will be clued in quickly.
My main worry is that people won’t be able to act normally with Bea – as in treating her as a valued young-old family member rather than someone on the verge of death who you must have a ‘significant last’ conversation with. But there’s nothing that can be done about that, I think.
On the good side, I think the children, the really young ones plus maybe those all the way up to HS or college age, will save the day. They’ll just be their usual loud and boisterous selves, not paying all that much attention to the doings of all the old adults around them. Well, we’ll see how it goes.
I’m sorry to hear that. The whole thing sounds tragic. And it sounds like your more yahoo relatives are going to end up spoiling what Debbie wants as a celebration of Bea’s life - and Bea’s last chance to have a family celebration - over “I like my freedom to drink and not to be told what to do better than I like my relatives.”
If this is a family that connects via facebook, it may be time to post a “hey, addiction issues have flourished during the pandemic, and it isn’t our business who unless they choose to share. And what I learned last year is that next year, some of the people we love may not be around - our aunts and uncles are getting older, and I know people my age who were in the ICU last winter. Suck it up for a few hours.” post.
I think the issue is that there are specific events that are more about the people than about the thing going on. Like, if I am hosting a party and a friend was willing to come if we were grilling, but not if we were ordering pizza, I’d be taken aback. It would make me feel like they thought the point was some sort of transactional thing where they got free food and I got their company.
This is even more true when the point is to hang out with family. I guess I don’t feel much sense of family obligation: when there is a family get together, I go because I want to, because I like those people. If they don’t want to come because they don’t like the rest of us enough to give up a Saturday, that’s fine. I have Saturdays I am not willing to give up. If they never want to come, that’s fine. I have extended family I don’t care about enough to ever seek out… But if they won’t come because the venue/food/drinks aren’t what they wanted, that’s just weird. Like, this whole time, is that why they were showing up?
Thank you! That’s what I’ve been trying to say, but you said it far better than i did.