And frankly, there are very few people whose company is worth me providing free food and getting no interpersonal connection in return.
their home, their rules.
That isn’t hard.
It should have been mentioned earlier though.
No one doubts that. The question is, specifically, how far in advance those rules need to be communicated, and implicitly, how having a “dry” event changes expectations that a person attend.
I mean, like, take it to an extreme: imagine a woman who would not attend her own daughter’s wedding because there was no alcohol and the mom thought that was ridiculous. Most people wouldn’t say “Her wedding, her rules, but if mom doesn’t want to go, she’s perfectly free to stay home.” You honestly aren’t, in a social sense. perfectly free to stay home for your daughter’s wedding, if there is no real hardship involved, not going communicates a really brutal lack of affection.
On the other hand, if your coworker invites you to a BBQ and tells you it’s dry, you’re more than welcome to think “well, that sounds really boring and like they are probably not my type of people”. As long as you don’t tell them that you don’t think that sounds interesting enough to bother with, no harm, no foul.
A family BBQ is halfway in the middle there.
I agree. It was impolite to fail to communicate earlier. Though perhaps the host thought everyone knew they were “dry” and initially didn’t think it needed mentioning. However, it still was impolite not to mention it up front.
As to the mom not going to a wedding, I am in the minority camp that thinks mom is an adult and is old enough to live with whatever message she chooses to send. 
After all, it IS her wedding her rules. If she wants a chocolate wedding cake or no alcohol, I don’t see the problem.
But she is sending the message. That’s the point. You can’t opt out of your daughter’s wedding and say “it’s her fault her feelings are hurt. My actions are neutral. I have no obligation to care if she’s hurt”.
It sounds like, in this case, the host learned late in the planning that it would be wise for the picnic to be dry.
The communication was unfortunate, but excusable, imho.
I think only one state (NJ) has a social host liability law and in that state, the host has to all but hand you your car keys and lift you in the car.
I’m with others. It’s not that I would be getting the shakes from having to go without alcohol for a few hours, but the tone of it would just piss me off as if the host is mothering me by telling me not to drink. I didn’t join an organization with a leader. If I want to have a few drinks, that’s my choice, not the Karen busybody who organized the event.
For all who are still posting “the host should have said earlier / the host is a busybody,” I suggest reading the OP’s update, which he shared yesterday, after talking with the hostess (link below).
tl;dr: yes, there are some very particular (and sad) extenuating circumstances.
So if I invited you to my hypothetical wedding and said it was dry would you go?
I absolutely would. I wouldn’t necessarily agree with what mom is doing, but, hey I can’t control what other people do. I find life a lot easier to get through with this attitude. If that situation happened to me, I’d be disappointed that my mom would not attend, but I got better things to think about and I’m not gonna tie myself up in knots because she decided not to come. She can live her life as she pleases.
I would go. But I’d only stay through enough of the reception to say hi so you knew I was there, maybe eat dinner and bail. If I had to give a toast or something I’d stick around for that or whatever the bare minimum to meet my responsibilities were and then bounce.
That’s what my wife’s family did at our wedding they don’t like booze so half of the ballroom was empty an hour after the ceremony.
I admit I’m puzzled by the notion of teetotalers leaving a party early because they don’t want to drink. So they not enjoy parties? Did they not enjoy THAT party due to other people’s drunkenness?
My new year’s eve party typically has some people who drink and some who don’t, and there’s no correlation between who drinks and how long people stay.
I think there’s sort of an implication that saying “Her wedding, her rules, but if mom doesn’t want to go, she’s perfectly free to stay home.” also means that there shouldn’t be any consequences if mom stays home. At the point where what’s being said ( or thought) is “Her wedding, her rules, but if mom doesn’t want to go, she’s perfectly free to stay home as long as she realizes that staying home might result in a permanent change in the relationship" , it doesn’t really sound like mom is perfectly free to stay home in quite the same way I’m perfectly free to not attend my friend’s random Saturday BBQ.
I agree. If i turn down the picnic i was invited to today (because I’m busy today) I’ll be invited to the next one, and no one will likely even remember if i attended today’s.
If i turn down my daughter’s wedding for any reason, it will be remembered, posted about, told to all the friends… If i really couldn’t attend (air traffic shit down taking me elsewhere, i am hospitalized) it won’t damage my relationship with my daughter. But if i skip her wedding because i don’t like how she’s throwing the wedding… well, we probably won’t be sharing Thanksgiving going forward, either.
Oh, yeah, no I definitely don’t mean no consequences. A cooling off in that relationship would be expected, of course. And with how judgy people are, you know mom is going to take a hit to her reputation.
The issue, for me, is whether mom has responsibility for the hurt she caused. If she hears daughter was upset, I don’t think she has some moral right to say “I’m not responsible for her feelings. We are both adults and it’s not on me that she’s disappointed”. But if I didn’t attend a co-worker’s BBQ and I heard they were upset, I’d be like, wtf? I wouldn’t feel guilty.
So no one at the wedding would be worth socializing with for more than maybe an hour unless there’s booze?
After being involved with that family for more than a decade, they don’t like parties. We had a live band playing loud music; they don’t like that. People were dancing and making noise; they don’t like that. People were drunk; they don’t like that. Basically anything that isn’t sitting quietly chatting listening to gentle folk or classical music is way outside of their comfort zone.
Probably not even if there was booze.
To me whether it’s a great party or a shitty party has to do almost entirely with the conversation.
It has been my experience that if somebody can’t stand to be at a party without booze, or for that matter one without meat, that they’re usually boorish people.
Experience obviously varies.
And it isn’t that I expect such people necessarily to get drunk. It’s that I expect them to not be accepting of other people’s differences.
Three cheers for that post.