Shut Those Fucking Kids Up!

The BBQ Pit
1

Maybe it’s just the sleep deprivation talking…

Last spring before it got too busy at work, I thought it might be nice to have some neighbours. What a mistake!

The paint was hardly dry on the house I built you before you moved in, ate all the food I left you, and began systematically ignoring me. This I can handle. Maybe you prefer your privacy, I sure wish I had mine back. If I’d imagined you were going to start a family though, I would never have lifted a finger to welcome you.

Now it’s the middle of summer, we’re crazy busy at work. Bad enough I have to work 12-15 hour days without your kids’ twitterring waking me up 4 hours before I have to.

All that early morning noise! Dad’s home! Mom’s home! Chatter-chatter, coo-coo! Every time one of you comes home it’s like Christmas morning! Tone it down, please. Have some respect for your neighbours, you babbling numbskulls!

I didn’t so much mind you ignoring me in the spring, but now the only time I see you is when I have to mow the lawn and you come out of your house to glower as if I’m planning to murder your kids. Nice. Don’t think I haven’t considered it, you inconsiderate fucks. You may be proud of them but those kids are just a nuisance.

I’ve been very busy lately, maybe I’m not changing your bathwater as much as I should, but that’s no reason to start shitting on my car. Yes, I know it’s you. This is going to get ugly.

Lousy robins.

2

I LOVE IT! Great post.

3

Whew. You had me thinking “What in bloody hell…”

4

Hahaha…fucking beautiful.

5

<applauds>

Boids is the worstest, I tells ya!

6

Oy, you got me but good! I was thinking “whatta mean lady!” :smack:

7

lmao

8

You got me too. I actually was wondering what sort of sicko neighbor actually left turds on your automobile.

:slight_smile:

9

I was like…huh?

Then I saw the robin comment.

HA!!!

10

You know, “bird calls” are actually mating and territorial calls. So they aren’t so much singing as screaming “fuck you!” and “fuck me!”

11

That’s why we have marge the dog. She likes to wake up early and scream at the burdz to get the hell out of the yard.

And then she patrols at the living room window later in the afternoon.

J

12

I have noticed the increase in the quality of Pit rants lately, this being a prime example. Good show!

13

Be glad you don’t have a nest of blue jays. Not only do the kids chitter-chatter all day, but the parents will swoop down and squawk at you or the dog or anyone else that comes near the nest. I’ve known people who had to stop using their back door because they were so harrassed by the jays.

They really ought to have zoning laws for nest building. No building near doors, no building in potted plants…

14

The thought of a neighbor turding up my car didn’t bother me nearly as much as the thought of having to change his bath water. Ugh!

15

We had a family of european starlings take up residence in our air conditioner last year.

Did you know that european starlings scream JUST like a baby?

And that they take perverse pleasure in doing so at FOUR IN THE BLEEDIN’ MORNING?

And that they also laugh.

Maniacally.

((shudder))

16

I printed this gem out and taped it to my copy of the World Taxonomic Bird List.

Very nice, eunoia!

17

I still hate birds, but this makes me appreciate them more.

18

I have to admit that this got me, right up until the end. Very nice twist on the classic rants, and an improvement. Thank goodness I don’t have certain crazy images in my head now…

F_X

19

I had it figured as soon as she said she’d built her neighbor’s house. But it was still a cool post.

20

Awesomely done. Them friggin’ boids is eatin’ my tomatoes out of the garden. I’m on your side. …however, we have THREE pairs of mourning doves and a couple of pileated woodpeckers in the back 40 now. They are all quiet after dark and a pleasure to see. The damned CHICKENS, on the other hand, need an alarm clock or something…

ARKA-ARKA-ROOOOOOOO!
ARKA-ARKA-ROOOOOOOO!
ARKA-ARKA-ROOOOOOOO!
ARKA-ARKA-ROOOOOOOO!

Okay, we fucking GET IT!

ARKA-ARKA-ROOOOOOOO!
ARKA-ARKA-ROOOOOOOO!
ARKA-ARKA-ROOOOOOOO!
ARKA-ARKA-ROOOOOOOO!

Ooooh.