:: putting on mortarboard, taking on the air of true intellect ::
This can all be explained by understanding that women have absolutely no sense whatsoever, can’t answer the most basic questions on their own (who should I be dating? Do these jeans make my ass look fat? Is polysorbate 80 indeed a significant factor in acute hyperplasia, or are there mitigating factors due to the clinical test carriers?), hence their need for constant male guidance for everything in their lives.
The things that women most respond to are the same displays that draw attention from the rest of the world… namely, jailhouse tattoos, having your name in the police blotter, and being on “Cops”.
Women, unfortunately, are too bereft of intelligence to be able to tell the difference between a loser (someone who’s been on “Cops” three times), and a success (someone who, after being on “Cops” once, graduated to “Jerry Springer”).
This is, of course, prime evidence why you should never, ever let a woman decide for herself who she needs to be with, what brand of detergent to buy, or for that matter, when to exhale.
If she says you’re too controlling, remind her that you’re doing your job by keeping her in line, and she should do hers, (namely, washing your laundry and birthing babies).
Don’t listen to her when she mentions the words “restraining order”; this is really a character test. Be persistent, even if it means nightvision goggles. Women dig persistence.
Now, please note that this is not women’s fault. Note that women are (on average) smaller than men, which means they have smaller cranial capacities. This means you have a bigger brain than most women, and are therefore “smarter”.
Please note, I say nothing here about education, because women have skewed the argument by saying that, since women read more than men do, and since books are used in education, the average woman is better educated, and therefore “smarter”, than the average man. This argument fails to take into account the well-known fact that the only things which women read are historical romance novels and back-issues of Soap Opera Digest, both of which stunt one’s cereberal activity.
As an aside, the historical romance novels are sometimes referred to as “bodice rippers”, which is an anglicization of “Boadicea ripar”, a phrase meaning (in a combination of Celtic and Esperanto) “to fix the queen of the Iceni people”. Since we refer to “fixing” an animal when we spay them, it is but a short jog across Cognition Park to conclude that the name “bodice rippers” refers to the property of these writings that mentally neuters great women. Sad but true!
So I say to you, just walk up to the woman of your affections, and say “Hear me, woman… you are feebleminded and weak, and therefore I must think for you. You belong with me from this point onward.”
You’re guaranteed of getting far more attention from her than you may have bargained for.
Hope this helps!