Sick child - 2 working parents. Who should stay home?

In My Humble Opinion
1

My child woke up in the middle of the night vomiting, poor thing. Bad enough, but to make it worse today is one of the 2 days a week that I work. (I work part-time.) So we have a dilemma. Who stays home with her?

To date this year my husband, Tim, has taken off work a grand total of 6 days: 6 vacation days (which I force him to take) and 0 sick days. He goes in even when he’s feeling lousy, though he MAY come home at 4 instead of 6. He won’t take off to go fishing or golfing or anything like that. He’s basically a workaholic.

As I said, I work 2 days a week. I have perfect attendance so far with the exception of one day in February, again because of a sick child.

So this morning, after taking care of daughter all night while husband slept in another room, I ASSUME my husband will take the day off. My reasoning is that I only work 2 days a week and as such should make every effort to be there. If the children are sick the other 3 days, I, of course, am home to take care of them. The only days he has to worry about are the 2 that I work. And he can take the day off, with no consequences except maybe a few bucks in the monthly paycheck. And he can work out of the house, unlike me, since most of the stuff he uses is available on-line.

On the other hand, he assumes I’ll take off because I have a measly part-time job and he has a full-time job. His job is the more important of the two, both in terms of money and in terms of what we do. (He manages money; I’m a secretary.) He argues that his clients expect him to be there, esp. when the market is going down. My company, a fortune 50 company, will survive without me.

So after heated words, here I am at home, madder than a wet hen. And I still think that HE should have stayed home.

So I ask you, who is right?

2

Well, personally if it were me, I would say that you stay home with the sick children. The reason for this is due to the points he made, but also because of one point you made. You were the one to get up in the night to care for the child, and that shows that you are likely the more nurturing of the two. A sick child is likely to do better with a mother caring for him/her than a father. That’s just my opinion.

3

Well, you are, of course! Parenting is not just for Moms anymore. Your husband is being selfish. I’m sure he feels he is doing the right thing - job security and all that - but he is making you feel belittled because you “only” work as a “lowly” secretary part time. He should look at how this makes you feel as a supposedly equal partner in the marriage.

Easy for me to say, huh? I’m actually married to a neanderthal who won’t even do the grocery shopping, or cook, and he’s a stay-at-home Dad! He does have a medical problem that makes it difficult to walk very far; however, I think he could do little errands for me. But no! To his credit, he does do the laundry. With a lot of help from our 16-year old son. Before my husband retired he wouldn’t do these things either, and I have always worked full time.

Good luck.

4

I don’t necessarily disagree with Stupendous man but I feel that raising a child is the responsibility of both parents and it shouldn’t fall just to the woman when its time to deal with yucky (vomiting children) or hard things.

Women are “better” at dealing with sick children because they get more experience, among other things.

I would say, since your job is part-time and is “not as important” as his, why don’t you rotate? He takes one time, you take the next. Unless, of course, either of you has something absolutely important that day at work.

It would be good for your husband to be involved with his children during times that are difficult, both for him and them. Plus, if he’s a workaholic like you say, staying home with his children might help him to remember what’s important.

Hope the little one feels better soon.

5

I think he should stay home. If your daughter’s still sick the next day, you’ll be home that day - and the next time this happens, it’s your turn to take the day off. I’m sure his time at work is very important, but workaholics seem to think the office will fall apart if he’s not there. There is a phone in your house, isn’t there? If there’s really an emergency, they can contact him. You only work two days a week, so you probably do the sick child parenting the vast majority of the time - I really don’t think it’s too much to ask of him to do it once in a while. The likelihood is next time a kid’s sick it will land on one of your days off. And while his job may bring in more money than yours does, your commitment to your job is just as important as his is.

6

My wife and I match up sides.

“I have a lunch date with the sales director today.”

“Can’t you cancel it?”

“Nahhhh…I bagged on the guy twice already.”

“Well, I have two meetings!”

“Oh, all right…I’ll stay.”

It boils down to the person having the lesser number of responsibilities for the day (248 instead of 279) has to stay home and swab up the vomit.

7

It should at least be open for discussion.

-What is the exact nature of your respective jobs?
-Do either of you risk anything by excessive absences? I can imagine not wanting a part-timer who is “unreliable.” OTOH, perhaps a lower standard of reliability is expected of a part-time secretary. And there are certainly a lot of money men who consider themselves indispensable. Sometimes their jobs actually create such a belief, at others it comes from within.
-Why are you working? Do the 2 of you need the $, or is it to provide you with personal fulfillment or other reasons?
-Also, why does your hubby not want to stay home with his sick child? Does he consider his work more important than his family? I hope not.
-The final card may be the most decisive, tho. As others suggested, it appears you may be the better caregiver of the two of you. Unfortunately, that may be because he has refused the many opportunities to practice.

You should be pissed. But don’t be at all surprised if he is incapable/unwilling of seeing your point of view. I recommend you clearly address this situation soon. And either his view will change, or it won’t. But it is better to get some clarity than to fume silently.

Meanwhile, feel free to bitch to us, hon.

8

I vote with Ike.

“I’ve got a system install that simply must be completed before tomorrow.”

“I have two IEP meetings in two separate counties that are necessary if the funding for these MRDD kids is to continue.”

We’ve only had one incident where we both had reasons why we HAD to be at work on the same day. Usually, one or the other of us can make accomodation.

OTOH, I agree with other posters that it sounds as though there are other issues going on. I would tend to favor your side as you’ve presented it (particularly in light of your job requiring on-site presence and his not). However, I haven’t heard his side–and it sounds as though you two need to come to an understanding about what your jobs mean to each of you.

9

Perhaps he thought that you would rather stay home because you stayed up all night and are probably exhausted. If you’re at home, you can nap while the kid’s sleeping (or watching a video, if your kid is anything like mine and is full of energy even when sick.) No napping at work, usually. If he had stayed up, perhaps then he’d be willing to take the day off. Or maybe not.

10

Lisa, although this probably won’t garner me any popularity points with anyone, I’m going to say Mom should stay home with the sick kids. [major disclaimer here]But that’s because I know when my son is sick he “wants his mom” and frankly, I know I can make things “better” for him than my SO. Not because my SO is an idiot or anything, but because I’m his “Mommy”, and I am the nurturing one.[/major disclaimer]

And I really hope I didn’t get anyone mad at me. :frowning:

I hope the little one is feeling better soon.

11

See, I would personally rather have my dad. He’s more sympathetic, and more likely to make me hot toddies with Amaretto. Or if I’m up to it-something good and yummy to eat (my dad is the BEST cook).
My mom’s more likely to say, “You act like you’re dying, you always get like that when you’re sick!” She’s not nasty, but right-I am a HORRIBLE patient. I hate being sick and tend to lie about on the sofa and bitch and moan about how awful I feel.

12

How old is your daughter? Can she stay by herself? From the time I was about 9, if I got sick, my parents would set out the box of Lipton soup and a tray and toddle off to work. Granted, they didn’t win any parenting awards, but I survived. Is she very small or are you all staying home so that she has the extra comfort of a parent?

If both of you going to work is impossible, I definitely think your husband should stay home. From what you said, he can still get some work done and taking one sick day off a year certainly wouldn’t cause a problem (unless he has some major meeting or deadline that must be dealt with that day).

13

Toughie. I can’t take sides in your case, but we are in a similar situation and we never have a solid solution. I work in a cublicle farm and fortunately have a fairly flexible schedule. As long as there aren’t any major fire drills going on, I can shift my schedule around (i.e. take today off, work Saturday). And then I always have vacation and sick leave. My wife teaches high school, so her schedule is a lot more restricted. Yes, she can get a sub, but more than a few times a year can cause problems.

Soooo, if our wee one has a one-day illness, it’s usually me. More than that and we wind up taking turns.

Good luck.

14

I’m a grown man. When I get sick, I curl up into a ball and cry “I want my mommy.” I never once said, “I want my daddy”

end of discussion

I also work at a place where both men and women do the same jobs. But if a woman calls in sick its ‘ok’, while if a man calls in sick its not ‘ok’

Lifes not fair, but thats the way it is.

15

My wife and I split the day: one of works in the morning while the other stays home and we swap at lunch.

16

Update: I stayed home with my daughter on Wednesday while Tim worked, he stayed home with her on Thursday while I worked, and tomorrow is a non-working day for me. So the quasi-crisis has passed for now.

While in the doctor’s office yesterday I saw a little toddler, no more than 3, with hair falling out – obviously due to chemotherapy. :frowning: I felt immediately ashamed about my pettiness. At least my child’s ailment (strep throat) isn’t serious.

Nothing like a little humility to put things into perspective, huh? But thanks for all the advice, dopers.

17

For practical reasons only the parent that has leave to cover the day should be the one to stay home. Families do much better without short paychecks. Of course my husband never stayed home much at all. He didn’t know how to deal, and I had better leave benefits. But barring that I stick by the idea that if both parents have equal abilities in taking care of a sick child then the parent that will not put the added burden of losing household money should be the one to say home.

Spoken like a true, broke most of the time, single mother of two! Wish I had ever had the luxury of having a choice. Carry on.

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