Maybe he thinks this, but it’s not so. Either it’s there, or it’s not. You can’t force it.
That’s what I think, too.
There was a man with whom I was involved for over 7 years. I allowed myself to be strung along and kept going back despite his “love you/oh WAIT, I need to find myself” cycles.
And I had the almost unbearable feeling that we were meant to be together. I finally had to realize that if he hadn’t “known” for sure, within the first year, then he never would be ready. I"m not telling you that that’s what “your” man here is doing, but listen to your brain and your common sense. I think that if you knew, for sure, that he was reliable, and that this would go somewhere, you wouldn’t have enough doubts to be asking our opinions. (NOT that we mind, but you’d trust it enough is what I mean).
I keep finding myself wondering if a man can be happy with a woman just because she loves the shit out of him and treats him very well. Then I snap out of it with an “of course not.” Right?
Yeah, that’s a very dangerous way to think.
Judging from the OP, she doesn’t know it. She knows what he used to be like and suspects he might still be the same way. But she also thinks he may have changed (which is possible in sixteen years).
If she gets back together with him and finds out he’s still a bum, she’ll have her regrets. But I think is she doesn’t at least check him out, she’ll have her regrets because she’ll always be wondering about the possibility that he might have changed.
It’s a recipe for “happy enough with you until he finds better.” Whether you’re willing to settle for that is another matter.
Listen, I don’t know for sure what kind of a person he is now, but it’s been 15 years and people can change dramatically in that time - or not at all. You’re a different person, and all you have of him right now is your memories of what he used to be like. It’s possible that he might be The One… or he might use you. If you consider moving forward, use extreme caution.
As ever Mark Twain has the answer. Don’t make people a priority who treat you like an option.
Yo, the part I bolded has to be the MOST self-serving bullshit I’ve heard in awhile. Way to put the blame on you for moving? And he “THINKS” he “COULD HAVE”?? FFS, he’s entertaining the possibility of “developing feelings”?? He’s giving himself more escape hatches than my deadbeat insurance company.
I’ve tried this, by the way. I was engaged to a really really great guy and tried and tried to “develop feelings.” Didn’t work. And I gave it years, too.
Absolutely positively of course not. Think about someone you are fond of but aren’t attracted to. Sex would be a nightmare, since you like this person, they’re very kind to you, they’re clearly attracted to you, and you’re hoping to develop feelings. Then at some point you meet someone you’re attracted to, and what then? Break the heart of the guy who’s loved the shit out of you and treats you well? Or stay with the guy who loves the shit out of you and treats you well, and break your own heart?
I’ve tried this, too. See above example.
And if nothing else, picture yourself living the rest of your life with someone who just doesn’t love you as much as you love him. If he stays with you, he’ll meet someone he is more attracted to at some point, and what then?
Both of you deserve different, better lives than this.
True, all true.
The question now for me is do I drop it, or do I go to MI with him this summer and see what happens? I would have to just set my heart against him and expect and be happy with being just friends. It was hard for me in my 20’s but now that I’m an old crone at 42, it’s not that difficult if I just set my mind to do it. I kind of agree with those who say if I don’t do it, I’ll still always wonder what would have happened and regret. So I don’t know.
Let me gaze into my crystal ball…
Horndog Wonder Guy wants to hide the salaam, so he’s going to be turning on the charm big-time. Pulling out all the stops. Reminds you that he dug all around to find your last name! Long romantic booty-filled road trip! Oh but wait! He still has that escape hatch–he has to travel with you, sharing gas/hotel/food money/booty etc. before he’ll know whether you’re the one. So you’re on trial here. He’s getting a test-drive, if you will.
He strung you along then, he’s stringing you along now. At 42, after being single so long, hooking up with the lost love of your life, will you really be all that strong?
I’m sorry; I seem to be stomping in here with jackboots instead of nicely offering advice! But I guess because I’ve been on both sides of the equation I’m projecting a little.
Please don’t go.
Drop it. Drop it completely. Say goodbye. Tie a rock to it and throw it down an abandoned mine shaft.
Otherwise, he will keep bugging you in an attempt to get what he wants, and what he wants from you is something that is not good for you.
Despite my sweet and mild-mannered persona here on the Dope (:p), I really am a stubborn and strong woman, and I’m pretty damn jaded by now. It takes a lot to hurt me, and I am more able than ever to rationalize instead of emote. But I will definitely take your advice under consideration.
That’s to NinkiNipponTourist.
I read this thread with a feeling of mounting dread. It seems as though you’re asking for advice, but you’re really, really hoping people will say “yes, go to him.”
Please, don’t let your attraction to him–or rather, to your idea of him–lead you to ignore the unanimous chorus of “stay away from this guy.”
I don’t think you really have to wonder. He’s promising you nothing. What is there to be gained from another interlude of one-sided “friendship.” If you think he’s really changed and he’s going to love you this time, you’re deluding yourself. He’s already setting up his exit strategy by saying you have to go on a road trip with him before he’ll be able to tell if he gives a shit about you.
Tell him you’ll go on a road trip with him after he figures out if he gives a shit. Don’t be a doormat. You be in charge. If it really matters to him, make him come to you. Don’t just be available for his convenience with no commitment or promises of any kind on his part.
I would listen to my gut. The OP’s seems to be telling her something.
OP: Good luck with whatever you decide. But I have to say that you’re not drawing a rosy picture in your OP to start the journey of a fabulous relationship.
If I just put the kibosh on this whole thing right now with him, even though I feel so strongly about him, it could either say that I’m really grown up and smart now, or that I’m really dumb. I haven’t decided yet, because of course there’s a part of me that thinks I might be getting my chance with him here. But I will think about it. And maybe even talk to him about it. I refuse to feel bad or ashamed that I love someone.
Ask yourself, if he contacted you tomorrow to say, oops, sorry, I have to uninvite you to MI because I’ve [got a new girlfriend/joined a cult/had a sex change/whatever], would you be more relieved, or disappointed?
Id be disappointed. I’m in love with him. When he calls, my heart skips a beat. I feel like I would do almost anything for him. I’m not saying I am sure that I want to act on my feelings, that’s what this thread is about, but it’s not in question whether I dig him. I do, hard.
What he said.