Sickening Man Situation- Please Advise (Long, Sorry)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Not sickening in a disgusting way, more of a heartbreak way. What have I gotten myself into?
As with the vast majority of my bad stories, this one starts with “Well, there was this guy.” I met him 16 years ago through a newspaper personal ad. Neither of us can remember if I answered his, or he answered mine, but we went to a Chili’s and I had chicken nachos, I know that. And for the first and only time in my life, I, after the date, had the distinct and odd feeling that I would marry this person. I have heard people say that and it seems like bullshit that someone could know that right away before even getting to know someone, which I truly believe takes a LONG time, like years, but still, I felt it and it felt right.

He is my perfect man and I like and am attracted to literally everything about him- his appearance, voice, mannerisms, morals, thoughts, feelings; there is something inside of me that really thinks that he is my vision of the man for me. Whoa, right? Alas, he was not “in a place” (I hate that phrase) where he wanted to settle down with anyone, or at least not with me, and we became the dreaded “friends with benefits”. We really were friends, though- we spent a lot of time together and did a lot of things ranging from attending a Candlebox concert where I got my nose broken in the mosh pit (gives me street cred with the kids) to driving from Asheville, NC to Ft. Lauderdale, FL to spend Christmas with his daughter and his mom. Then after a few months of this, I had to move here to Tucson from Asheville, and left. We kept in touch for a few months, but then he started dating someone who I had known and who knew how I felt about him, and she forbade him from contacting me anymore. He shortly thereafter got her pregnant and they got married and had two more kids together, one who died a few days after birth. They had a rather tumultuous relationship and are now divorced and he is single.

So, a few months ago, he found me on Facebook, having gone to some trouble to deliberately find me- he had not known my last name then, apparently. He knew how I felt about him all that time ago, and if I hadn’t left, things might have turned out differently, he says- it’s definitely possible, he says. We talk on the phone for an hour or two a couple of times a week for these past months, and we still get along really well, just like we did before, and yep, those feelings are coming back for me, which presents to me my challenge. It makes me sick.

When I start thinking of how I feel about him and the possibility of getting my little heart broken again, as he is still the perfect man according to my lizard brain, I get nauseous and shaky. Yikes. Ugh. I’m not at all sure this is worth the risk. After all, I’ve been a single mother for several years, I’ve accepted that my lot in life is to be alone and strong and single, just single. I’ve dated a lot, I’ve fallen in love a couple of times but it didn’t work out, and maybe I’m just better off alone, anyway- there are people out there for whom this is true, and maybe I’m one of them. I’m an introvert and I like being alone, anyway.

He wants to get together in a couple of months for a road trip from Florida to Michigan, where we are both from, to spend a few days with his friends there. He is waiting for that to happen before he can say if things will work between us, although he has indicated that he does like me. I, however, am completely in love with him, and I don’t need the trip together to know that.

So, I am freaking out, because I am scared that here I am, in love with this guy, and it might not work out! Haha. So mundane and silly, right? But I feel nauseous. Bleh. Oh shit. Do you think I should just cancel the whole thing and never speak to him again and just let myself forget, again, that he’s the man for me? Yeah, that sounds like a good option.:stuck_out_tongue:

:confused:

2

Based on what little you wrote, it sounds like he had plenty long enough time to determine if you were the one for him, and you weren’t. You wrote “he was not ‘in a place’ where he wanted to settle down with anyone, or at least not with me”. You were not the one for him. Yet he then quickly married someone who *was *the one for him. It’s not that he was not in the right place; you were not the right person. He hung out with you and slept with you and didn’t even care enough about you to know your last name. Now he contacts you again, but he’s not going to see you any differently. I can’t see any good coming your way from this at all. He may have qualities to make him your perfect man, but it’s all one-sided. There really are other fish in the sea even though you haven’t found them yet. You deserve better than this.

3

Yes. This may be why I feel sick to my stomach. This could definitely be true and I don’t want to think it but my body’s reacting to it.

But also, I wouldn’t expect him to have really known my last name. It’s very unusual and oddly spelled.

4

He didn’t know your last name? I don’t buy it. His new woman wouldn’t let him contact you? More excuses. He made a life with someone else, that ended, and now he’s looking up old girlfriends on Facebook. It doesn’t get much more cliched than that.

I think you are very wise to proceed cautiously. A big red flag to me is your near idolization of him. He’s not perfect. And the “perfect guy” for you, by definition, is someone who also thinks that you’re the perfect woman for him, don’t you think?

At the very least, you are entering this new phase of your relationship with trepidation and insecurity. Those are not ideal components of a good, balanced relationship.

5

He’s just looking to get laid. After he gets that, he’ll give you some new version of the “not in right place” speech, and then ask you to be fuck buddies again until he meets another woman he actually likes.

People don’t change. You shouldn’t let yourself get strung along again by this user. Scrape him off.

6

??? Whether it’s easy to spell or hard to spell, it’s one of the most basic things about a person. It’s your name. I can’t even fathom not knowing the last name of a person I call a friend. It seems the height of self-centeredness not to care enough to know.

The right person will want to know your name. You will be more than a booty call or a traveling companion. I would listen to my brain, not my heart, in this situation, no matter how hard it seems.

I believe this is the advice you yourself would give somebody else in this situation, too. You have good common sense when you advise other people.

7

Wait, wait, wait…I don’t get this. You went out with him and slept with him for quite a while…met his daughter and his mom, went to concerts, traveled…and he never knew your last name?

8

He was kind of narcissistic back then, I guess, now that I think about him not knowing my last name. Very conceited, big ego. While I do believe that people don’t fundamentally change, I do think that age mellows out an ego in many cases, and maybe he’s not like that anymore? But, I have always been attracted to narcissists, I guess, so that may be my answer right there.

9

So is my wife’s maiden name, but it took me about 30 second to memorize it and the spelling. If this guy cared about you, he would have made a minimal effort to learn your name.

It’s not like his ex is going to just disapper, by the way. He shares a child and a former marriage with her. She’s forever.

Your idealization of this guy, who is clearly not a great guy at all (what kind of jerk brings a woman home to share Christmas with his family, but still doesn’t know her last name and tells her she isn’t worth having a real relationship with?) is not realistic.

10

I think you’re right. It’s not an intellectual thing, clearly there are things about him that match whatever ideal of a man has been formed in my subconscious since birth through society, media, my family, etc. And I do know that even though that may be the case, it doesn’t mean that he’s right for me.

Obviously, I know something’s not right here, as when I do have a relationship that feels right, I don’t post to the SDMB asking for advice. You all are right, something is not right here. I’m glad I brought it up, as everyone else noticing it, too, just helps to clarify it for me.

11

This not knowing your name thing has me going completely WTF? It’s completely outside my experience with every other human I’ve known. If he’s truly a narcissist, he’ll never love you. You know that, right? If you actually find this guy attractive, go for it. I guess.

12

Hate to say it but it sounds like you’re already on a course for another heartbreak. You already have feelings for him.
If you break it off now, you’re going to be hurt by the regret for what might have been. So I’d say you might as well go ahead and see if your feelings are reciprocated (but proceed with caution). At worst, he turns out to still be a bum and at least you’ll know it.

13

You laid it out so clearly in your OP. There are no two ways about it. He may have qualities that you like, but he’s not the one for you. Even if he has mellowed now, his attraction to you was not romantic, and it never will be. Like you said, people don’t fundamentally change. You didn’t appeal to him enough to want you back then. That will not change. You deserve much, much more.

14

Dreaded? I always thought that was the best kind of arrangement.

15

I never thought that he was a narcissist until I just now considered the possibility. I would still say he probably isn’t, only that he had a big ego. But I do know that I am attracted to narcissists, so it is a possibility that he is one. But then, I haven’t spent any time with him in 15 years, so it’s also a possibility that he was just like that because he was young (30) and in a band! and he* was* pretty awesome. He’s old now, and that can change you in that way.

But yeah.

16

I respectfully disagree. He is a bum, and she already knows it. She doesn’t need to torment herself with rediscovering it.

17

It’s never really worked out for me. As good as it sounds in theory, someone usually develops feelings, not always me, either- and it can get ugly. I have had it work out, but not very much.

18

Reread this every time you question what you should do with Mr. Doesn’t Care Enough To Learn Your Last Name.

19

For the record, when we first started talking again this past winter, I did tell him that now I would never have followed him around like a puppy dog like I did back then, and that I know now that if someone’s not attracted to you in that way, then hanging out with them won’t make it happen eventually. He says that he thinks that he could have developed feelings for me if I’d stayed, and that after all, spending that much time with someone and taking them to meet your family are pretty telling about how much you get along with them, and mean something. So I don’t know what would have happened if I hadn’t moved.

20

His has this deep and rumbling voice that makes me vibrate in my chest. I’ve always found that to be mesmerizing, almost- extremely attractive. Does anybody else ever experience that, or am I just a weirdo?