We’ve all seen the commercials for those allergy drugs and whatnot that seem to cause more side effects than what they actually cure. “May cause nausea, dry-mouth, head-ache, etc…” To any extent, our humor in the office this morning is everyone coming up with a list of potential side effects for our imaginary drug…
May cause…
Inability to breathe
Temporary tooth loss (Think about it)
Severe anal bleeding
Redundancy
Redundancy
Ignorance
Complete collapse of civilization
Puppy kicking
Those are the funniest on our list so far… what can you come up with?
excessive nasal mucous
sudden and unexplained onset of cursing in baby voice
eye farts
appearance of extra digits (hands/feet)
uncontrollable obsession with Liberace
swallowing of tongue
intermittent ignorance
What I love are ads that say something to the effect of:
“If you suffer from gastrointestinal problems, you should consult your doctor about gastron. Side effects may include diarrhea, heartburn, upset stomach and other gastrointestinal problems. Results similar to that of sugar pill.”
Okay, they want me to take something that causes gastrointestinal problems to relieve gastrointestinal problems?! And how does a placebo give someone diarrhea?! Ya just gotta love the pharmaceutical industry.
Euphoria
Skeletal Muscle Relaxation
Acute Hyperphasia
Liberal Gynoperception (or Androperception in women)
Public Micturation
Unwanted Pregnancy
Reverse Peristalsis
Rotary Supination
Acute Amnesia
Dehydration
Auroral Hypersensitivity
Death
Name that drug!
May cause Tourette’s syndrome, deja vu, deja vu, deja vu, ejection of the heart from the body, spontanious combustion, growth of extra body parts, Elvis Presley syndrome (deep, Southern voice and invouluntary swiveling of the hips), and/or Emperor Palaptine’s syndrome (discharge of lighting bolts from the fingers).
-projectile vomiting
-projectile bleeding
-delusions of grandeur
-liking the kazoo
-spontaneous growth of nose hair
-odd food cravings
-internal cellular breakdown and bleeding similar to that caused by the Ebola virus
-the ability to attain buddhahood while bypassing the steps to Nirvana
The above was stolen from “Side Effects,” a hilarious piece in his book Pure Drivel about this very subject. You should make tracks for the bookstore and purchase it post-haste; it’s one of the few times I’ve trul LOLed at a book.