Signs that you're getting old

Nose hair management becomes part of your daily toilet routine.

You throw your back out having sex.

You throw your back out masturbating.

You have more black socks than white socks.

I may have yelled at some neighborhood kids to keep off my lawn. From my porch. Cliche, true but I still aged a little inside when I realized what I had done.

You’ve never had to pluck a hair from your nose or ear.

You’ve never thrown your back out performing any sexual act.

[Checks sock drawer] … it doesn’t matter what color your socks are!

(Let’s keep this competitive.)

Old =

Getting carded means they want to see your AARP card before giving you the discount.

Burying a friend who died of old age.

You start noticing you’re older than any of the people in…
…the room.
…that commercial.

You start getting seriously irritated at your younger classmates who have known nothing before the late 80s, and who aren’t old enough to have thought to research things on their own.

Classmate, who was a horrible speaker, gave a Powerpoint about how we can’t trust the mainstream media to be unbiased. Well, duh. But the kicker was where she said something about, “We wouldn’t talk about Christian militias [in a Middle Eastern country] because that would be absurd to most of us.” (She was talking about Iraq and “Muslim militants.”)

I then got to point out that during the Lebanese civil war, Christian militia groups were a fixture of the fighting. And I was born in 1976, so it’s not like I was reading the paper then - I just know about it because I’ve been around long enough, and I read things.

Being a non-trad student makes me feel old regularly. And the aching body, where it didn’t used to ache. Oh, and the sudden change in metabolism (it used to be easier to stay skinny, dammit).

At a catered event, the kids take over the dance floor and you don’t understand their music


When you gauge the need for a trip to the barbershop by the length of the hairs growing from your ears.

When you take classes at the local university, ogle the girls walking by, and realize you could be their father.

When you quit a favorite athletic activity because of arthritis.

When the NFL players who were playing college football when you were in school are retired after a long and distinguished career.

When you see the obits of people you knew from high school, and they’re dying of cancer and heart disease.

When you realize your 30 year high school class reunion is fast approaching.

When you realize you have more than 2 items to add to a list like this one. :wink:

You’re old when:
When the date of birth of the current Playboy Playmate of the Month is BEFORE the date you left Grad School.*

Your wife enrolls you in AARP without your knowledge.**
People you interact with have always known a world with Home Video, Cell Phones, and the Internet.

  • True, sadly, although I take faint pleasure in knowing that none of them has yet been born after the time I left my last grad school.

** Also true. I keep needling her about this.

When you don’t recognize any of the “hottest new stars” and don’t really care who they are or what they’ve been in. The blonde, Elizabeth, on “The View”? I had know idea who she was or why they included her on the show.

When you watch the “Senior Editor” of some major publication talk at The City Club Forum and you wonder if that means he’s a senior in college, because you’re not sure he has to shave every day yet.

When your doctor looks not just younger than you, but young enough to be one of your children.

When some totally hot 30-something guy comes in to your place of business with his father, and you’re hoping that the father is single.

When you watch the girls walking through the mall in hot pants and tsk, tsk to yourself…and then remember that you owned and wore shorts like that in the 70’s.

When you hear some 20-year-old performer singing about sex, and think to yourself that that child has absolutely no concept of what constitutes a great sex life…yet.

When you look at your hands one day and say, “Oh, THAT’S what they mean by crepey skin!”

I’m not quite getting old yet (coming up on 36), but I am approaching the point at which I can start thinking about working on my best “get off my lawn” voice.


  • You discover that that the “middle-age” in “middle-age spread” is only a ballpark estimate at best.

  • The nutritional info panel on packaged foodstuffs contains increasingly vital information. You get annoyed when you see foodstuffs without one.

  • The importance of fiber sinks in, and you realize that “I’m a regular guy” is a double-entendre.

  • Teens call you “sir.” (or “ma’am,” or “miss,” or whateverthehelldamnthing kids call women older than they are these days.)

  • Teens really are kids, and you realize they’re young enough to be yours.

  • Today’s teen fashion is just as ridiculous to you as your day’s fashion was to your parents, and you find yourself making many of the same comments about it.

  • The phrase, “where did the time go?” can encompass decades.

  • The frequency with which you use phrases like “when I was your age,” and “back in my day,” is increasing exponentially.

  • When addressing contemporary friends, you can no longer use the term “old man” ironically.

When you lecture the guy at the farmers market selling 4 ears for a buck that when you were young you could get a baker’s dozen for a dollar.

When you go to a concert and everyone thinks you are an undercover cop.

When anything you buy, no matter what the price, seems overpriced.

You old folks are making me depressed. Go back to your nursing homes, you old farts! We younguns have our hard rock music to listen to!

Wait, before you go, I need to ask your sage and elderly advice. Anyone here have any experience with that Just For Men stuff? I’ve been noticing a slight discoloration of the few hairs I haven’t yet shaved off. Yeah, shaved, that’s the ticket.

I’ve only just turned 30, but I’m becoming increasingly irked by TV commentators describing sportsmen the same age as me or younger as “veteran”. :frowning:

(Carlos Moya, 7 months my senior, being the latest.)

When the children of your idols are now starring in the business (Damn you Rufus)

Wait, wait, please hold off on posting until I figure this out

My wife began purchasing me black socks this year, I assumed it was because I’m careless and walk outside in my socks sometimes and stain the white ones. If there is more than this involved I’d like to have the Chairman Of Socks and Aging investigate this further.

When you rediscover your favorite band. On the behind-the-scenes CD they look so young and hip. Then you see the commentary by a bunch of old men who can barely play or sing anymore, but want you to get the hell off of their lawns. And then you realize that they’ve been together for – get this – 42 years! Oh yeah, and the CD is about their greatest album, which they have not yet topped. In 34 years.

Maybe she just has a thing for eastern European men at the beach. Speedos, black socks, and black dress shoes. As the newbie prison population puts it, “That’s hot.”

Yeah, me in speedos hmmm. Picture this if you will, a water balloon filled with playdoh and molded into funky shapes. Yeah that’s hot. :wink:
That doesn’t discount European men on the beach though, and she watches the travel channel a lot, something I need to watch now. Thanks tdn :stuck_out_tongue:

In Russia, is hot.

I recently signed up for a website that has videos of mature women old enough to be our daughters (or granddaughters) prancing around in less than modest clothing. Let’s just say it’s for mature viewers, and I certainly qualify, at least in chronological years if not responsibility.

One video is of a young Russian girl frolicking on a beach, sans bikini. Pretty hot, until three guys walk past. It’s not the playdoh in speedos that kills the mood. It’s the black socks.

Right now I have my contact lenses in PLUS two pair of glasses on my desk. One is for reading and one isn’t. I have the feeling it is downhill from here.