Signs you've gone to a bad doctor

Some of our medical school profs used to say patients could not tell if their doctor was good or not. I thin this is a load of unmitigated and patronizing crap. Clearly there are lots of ways to tell if you have a bad doctor. Please add to the list below if you feel so inclined.

  1. Asks you to undress. While undressed, says “Let me take this opportunity to show you my new selection of ties and shirts”. Sends originals away for “One Hour Martinizing”

  2. Enquires as to whether you are getting enough full butter shortbread in your diet.

  3. Offers to vacuum three rooms in your house for $49.95

  4. Does musculoskeletal exam using circus “Test of Strength” hammer, cable, weight and bell set-up. Or wrestling a bear. Tests your dexderity using a “Whack-A-Mole”.

  5. Asks, “if in the event of a tragic illness where you could only be kept alive on a respirator, would you not not not not not not not want me to abstain from failing to not pull the plug on the machine?”

  6. Changes size of needle for injections based on your job… government employee, tax assessor, Jesse Helms… Available injections include “hot beef”.

  7. Office is located in back room of a speak-easy.

  8. Office is located in third subway car from front.

  9. Keeps both hands on your shoulder when doing the pelvic exam (old joke, sorry)

  10. Uses roulette wheel to figure out your medication dose.

States will discount the fee if you share your prescription medications with him.

Wants to get your surgery done by thursday at the latest, because she says she’s not sure if she’ll have a license on Friday, after the Medical Board meets.

Says before a procedure: “you might find all this a bit frightening. It sure scares the willies out of me”.

Gets more than half their income from their combination Viagra/hair restoration/diet clinic

Shows you his/her own wound and asks “Gee, does this look bad to you?”

Tells you to not be so foolish… that doesn’t hurt.

Has had their cash register reposessed.

[li]Asks you what medications you’d like today[/li][li]Can’t pronounce the word “stethoscope”[/li][li]Wears an eye patch[/li][li]Recycles the tongue depressors[/li][li]Wants to bleed you to release the “bad humours”[/li][li]The degree on the wall is printed on recycled paper[/li][li]It’s a mail-order degree – from Tijuana[/li][/list=1]

patient: “Will this hurt?”

Doctor “Won’t hurt me a bit”


[sub]Yes, I know that they’re still sometimes used in reattachments to reduce swelling and such…[/sub]

His/her medical diagram of the human body is badly colored, going outside the lines often.

He/she tells you that you are his/her 27th patient so far today, and it’s only 9am.

You can read his/her writing.

Instead of M.D. ,his/her name ends with C.M. (I.E. he/she is a chiropractor.)(I think that is their “title” isn’t it?)

A film crew from “Dateline” is sitting next to a film crew from “20/20” who are sitting next to a film crew from “60 Minutes” in his/her waiting room.

His/her magazines are all from THIS month!
Claims that he/she never really bought into that whole Germ Therory thing.

Open, half empty box of condolence cards on his/her desk.

Regularly mixes up the oral/anal thermometers.

When asked his/her most rewarding part of being a doctor, replies (a la Dr. Nick), “I can prescribe anything I want, baby!”

Considers his/her mentor to be Dr. Lecter. :stuck_out_tongue: (Just had to add that one…)

He gets arrested for second-degree sexual assault and child molestation.

Seriously, the first neurologist we took Sean to here in RI just went to the ACI because of a number of complaints.

Looks older than God
Tells me while I’m pregant with my first child not to bother reading all those books on gestational age, the baby’s just fine, he delivered my husband , didn’t he?
When asked any question as to what he’s doing to me and why, say for me not to worry my pretty little head.
Questioned as to why I haven’t had any blood drawn, at my 16th week gestation check muses why we didn’t do that…hmmmmmm.

The doctor tells you to puts your feet in the stirrups, and you came in for a molar filling.
Also in the same category, your Proctologist asks you to “open wide and say ahh.”
Your Pharmacist says, “Dang metric, I’ll never get that milligrams/grams thing right.”
Your Podiatrist has a variety of speculums on the medical tray, and displayed in his office.

He spit-shines the surgical instruments.

You notice a tip jar in the waiting room.

(S)he states that its really great that they are still only in the “practice” stage, but isnt quite sure when its the real “game”.

Uses the phrase “Ooo eee ooo ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
[sub]I can’t believe I used my 100th post for this.[/sub]

goes barefoot, waddles, and has large webbed feet.

I actually did have an ER doctor tell me that one time. He was stitching my forehead after a car accident, and the deadening hadn’t taken effect yet. I felt the needle go in and naturally yelped. He sat back a little, furrowed his brows, and said, “Oh don’t be silly. That didn’t hurt.”
I said, “Like hell it didn’t. Wanna see how it felt??”

He waited a bit longer before he tried again. But I could tell he thought I was just being a wuss.

When your baby doctor commits suicide.
(yep, happened to us, baby was 3 weeks old)
Not a good sign.

is next to the local funeral parlor, or shares office space with the funeral parlor, or has brochures from one in the waiting room.

[Sorry about your baby doctor, dragonlady. Suicide is so sad. A local psychiatrist committed suicide thirteen years ago, and people still wonder about it.]