Some of our medical school profs used to say patients could not tell if their doctor was good or not. I thin this is a load of unmitigated and patronizing crap. Clearly there are lots of ways to tell if you have a bad doctor. Please add to the list below if you feel so inclined.
Asks you to undress. While undressed, says “Let me take this opportunity to show you my new selection of ties and shirts”. Sends originals away for “One Hour Martinizing”
Enquires as to whether you are getting enough full butter shortbread in your diet.
Offers to vacuum three rooms in your house for $49.95
Does musculoskeletal exam using circus “Test of Strength” hammer, cable, weight and bell set-up. Or wrestling a bear. Tests your dexderity using a “Whack-A-Mole”.
Asks, “if in the event of a tragic illness where you could only be kept alive on a respirator, would you not not not not not not not want me to abstain from failing to not pull the plug on the machine?”
Changes size of needle for injections based on your job… government employee, tax assessor, Jesse Helms… Available injections include “hot beef”.
Office is located in back room of a speak-easy.
Office is located in third subway car from front.
Keeps both hands on your shoulder when doing the pelvic exam (old joke, sorry)
Uses roulette wheel to figure out your medication dose.
States will discount the fee if you share your prescription medications with him.
Wants to get your surgery done by thursday at the latest, because she says she’s not sure if she’ll have a license on Friday, after the Medical Board meets.
Says before a procedure: “you might find all this a bit frightening. It sure scares the willies out of me”.
Gets more than half their income from their combination Viagra/hair restoration/diet clinic
[list=1]
[li]Asks you what medications you’d like today[/li][li]Can’t pronounce the word “stethoscope”[/li][li]Wears an eye patch[/li][li]Recycles the tongue depressors[/li][li]Wants to bleed you to release the “bad humours”[/li][li]The degree on the wall is printed on recycled paper[/li][li]It’s a mail-order degree – from Tijuana[/li][/list=1]
Looks older than God
Tells me while I’m pregant with my first child not to bother reading all those books on gestational age, the baby’s just fine, he delivered my husband , didn’t he?
When asked any question as to what he’s doing to me and why, say for me not to worry my pretty little head.
Questioned as to why I haven’t had any blood drawn, at my 16th week gestation check muses why we didn’t do that…hmmmmmm.
The doctor tells you to puts your feet in the stirrups, and you came in for a molar filling.
Also in the same category, your Proctologist asks you to “open wide and say ahh.”
Your Pharmacist says, “Dang metric, I’ll never get that milligrams/grams thing right.”
Your Podiatrist has a variety of speculums on the medical tray, and displayed in his office.
I actually did have an ER doctor tell me that one time. He was stitching my forehead after a car accident, and the deadening hadn’t taken effect yet. I felt the needle go in and naturally yelped. He sat back a little, furrowed his brows, and said, “Oh don’t be silly. That didn’t hurt.”
I said, “Like hell it didn’t. Wanna see how it felt??”
He waited a bit longer before he tried again. But I could tell he thought I was just being a wuss.
is next to the local funeral parlor, or shares office space with the funeral parlor, or has brochures from one in the waiting room.
[Sorry about your baby doctor, dragonlady. Suicide is so sad. A local psychiatrist committed suicide thirteen years ago, and people still wonder about it.]
(Just had to add that one…)