It would take me a book to write about my most annoying cow-orker. I call him Chuckles the Ass Clown.
He has disgusting personal habits. His shirts always bear yellow stains beneath his armpints that extend to his elbows and miscellaneous food type stains on the fronts. His ties also bear the food type stains. His front teeth are rotted black and broken off - oh wait, those aren’t even real teeth - it’s his dentures that are black and broken off. His hair is always greasy, his skin randomly flaking off. He has constantly got some kind of scabs on his ankles, which I can see because his pants are too short for him and he does not wear socks in his penny loafer shoes. He often forgets to zip his fly after using the restroom, and just as frequently bears wet marks on the front of his pants. He laughs like a weasel, and he laughs at absolutely everything with this nasal ‘Aa aa aa aa aa’ noise that he makes. He stares at the women’s asses and he stares at their breasts, whether they be young, old, skinny, fat, short, tall, gorgeous or ugly. He has, despite being older than my father and having kids older than me, asked me out on many occasions and been shocked that I would turn him down. He has emitted large volumes of bodily gas during important presentations (and while giving important presentations) because the thought of excusing himself to the restroom is apparently foreign to him. He also feels free to scratch his nuts no matter who is in the room, or what room he happens to be in, such as the employee kitchen. He has an annoying tendency to let himself into other people’s offices (because almost all the doors here have the same key) without knocking, and has no idea what is meant by ‘Oh, are you in here? I didn’t hear you knock.’ Nor does he understand such subtle-as-a-brick responses to his unwanted presence in mine and other people’s offices as ‘Next time, you can knock.’ He prompted the nicest, most demure, holy-shit-I-didn’t-think-she-knew-words-like-that person here to call him a ‘whiny little dickhead’ to his face.
Need I say that thought is also foreign to him? He firmly believes that DVD players will happily accept and play CD-Rs with PowerPoint presentations burned on to them, and he cannot comprehend that (no matter how many times he is told) an RCA jack is not the same as an S-video connector. He has suggested that ‘partially tripped breakers’ are the cause of getting 80 Volts from what should be a 120 Volt outlet. He has deleted entire volumes of other people’s work because he did not know what the .xls extension meant. He has told his students that pressing Ctrl+Alt+Del twice would cause a Windows 2000 Pro box to reboot itself. He has never heard of Unix, and believes that IBM makes Sparcs, yet he is supposely qualified to teach in an IT degree program. He has actually driven a student to standing up and screaming ‘Why don’t you fucking teach?’ in class. He does not understand that when writing a program that creates user accounts by reading a text file, that the program will read the text file, not the programmers, yet he is supposedly qualified to be a Network Administrator. He has belittled students and coworkers to the point that they have been reduced to crying over mistakes that they have made, yet is completely unable to own up to his ignorance. He is the perfect example of ‘Those who have the most confidence are typically those who are the most incompetent.’
And if that wasn’t enough, despite a lack of actual physical proof, there is strong evidence as to him being responsible for the Computer Poo Incident.
If I wrote up every stupid thing he has done in the three years I’ve worked here, I could easily fill a book. Now, I’m not the most socially skillful or clued person in the world, but the man is so impossibly stupid I am amazed he can breathe.
For a while I thought I was alone having a coworker this bad. Now I can see that I am not, and I am thankful that the rest of you in this thread exist.