Inspired by this thread, I have started to wonder about some of the little things that are deal breakers when you are dating someone.
I had a friend who went on a date with this guy and in order to impress her tried to help an older lady with her bags. Unfortunately for him it was obvious he never does this because his idea of helping her was to run up behind her and grab the bag to carry it up the stairs, causing her to scream like she was being mugged because as far as she knew that is exactly what was happening. I laughed until I almost peed myself when I heard that story and she never went out with him again, but at least she got a funny story out of it!
As for myself, if I was on a date with a man who didn’t like/was allergic to cats that was obviously a deal breaker, but I once dated a man who seemed to like cats fine and wasn’t allergic but thought it was hilarious to talk about tormenting my kitties. “Have you ever wanted to cut your cat’s whiskers off just to see what happens? We could totally try that on your cats!” Umm, no. Joking about being an ass to my pets isn’t funny. After that one joke I couldn’t look at him the same again and stopped seeing him.
So what are the things that flip your internal switch from “I could see this person again” to “Nope, not gonna happen”?
If someone shows the slightest bit of annoyance when I want to stop and see if someone whose car has broken down needs help, help an overpiled mom get her kids across the street or anything like that, it’s a huge turnoff to me. Ditto on being rude to any sort of restaurant or counter help and obviously using the word ‘serve’ to accompany a huge sense of unattractive entitlement. I can accept that not everyone shares my concern or familiarity with homeless people and that they may want to keep their distance, though. That’s a personal thing of mine. Any form of mean turns me right off. Whiny and clinging will set me off running too.
By the time that I got over my subcultural discomfort with men in suits I was living with someone that doesn’t own one. It used to make me nervous when I was younger and still dating, as though our worlds were a million miles apart even if we worked at the same level.
Asking me a question just to fill the silence, and not being interested in the answer but using the time I’m talking to think of the next, unrelated question to ask me.
<aside>I once dated a girl from Cuba who chastised me (half-jokingly and politely) for being polite to the wait staff. She told me in her culture* the “help” expected to be treated like help, and not to be spoken to or acknowledged by the customer. I think I thanked the busboy when he filled my water bottle, and she said I shouldn’t have.
*I don’t know if this is true for all Cubans, but she was pretty adamant about it.</aside>
Answering an incoming cell phone call when we’re hanging out without at least saying “excuse me” or somehow apologizing and justifying doing so. Just doing that “suddenly duck away mid-sentence and answer the phone” thing has actually caused me to flat-out leave social situations with friends and dates, including walking out in the middle of a meal.
Smoking is a turnoff, but it is not a small, silly thing. Smoking-related, though: that thing some people do where they talk with a cigarette waggling in their mouth and a blurred, distorted voice because they can’t open their mouth because of the damn cigarette. That, I can’t stand.
Oh, and Corkboard? Not being nice to the help would be a downgrade as well. I’ll have to ask people I know who’ve gone to Cuba whether that’s true.
I have no idea if that’s true or not but does anyone else detect the faint whiff of burnt irony at the thought of someone from a communist country having such rigidly defined class boundaries?
For me smoking would be a non-negotiable deal breaker. I don’t care who the person is, I’m not dating a smoker. End of.
I don’t think rudeness to other people or not being able to get a word in edgeways are silly reasons for not wanting to date someone, both indicate some fundamental issues and are red flags for a reason. Whilst I haven’t experienced the former (that I can think of) I went on a sort of date with someone in December and during the 1 hour and 45 minutes we were having coffee I think I spoke fora total of less than five minutes. The subject content was interesting (politics, history, current events, economics etc) but if I don’t get to speak it’s not a conversation, it’s a lecture.
Either way someone who behaves unpleasantly towards others or would rather listen to the sound of their own voice than yours isn’t someone I think many people would be interested in getting to know more.
I’m uncomfortable talking to a woman with hair shorter than mine. Once or twice, I was thinking, “She’s interesting, but I’d have to get a haircut to talk to her.”
I agree with the smoking bit except from the other side; I won’t date someone who doesn’t smoke.
I’m also turned off by someone who doesn’t like to discuss a movie that we’ve just seen. Talk about a silly thing, but it’s true. For some reason that really irks me.
All right, that’s not silly, that’s just sad. How about…
Frosty purple polish.
Saying stuff like “heighth” and “excape.”
Being super picky about food.
Easy stereotypes, even if they’re non-ethnic or non-religious. Eg: “Oo, your hat makes you look like a gangsturrr.”
Pretty much exactly this. One major thing I notice (even if not interested romantically) is how others treat waitstaff and other customer service workers. I’m not expecting anyone to bend over backwards with endless gushing, but a little basic human respect would be nice.
Also, deflecting a serious question with a joke really gets on my nerves fast. If you’re going to be an emotional coward, at least be honest about it.
Illuminati – people say ‘‘axe’’ in the UK? To my understanding it’s a part of African American Vernacular English – just a small dialect differentiation. Personally I don’t care what dialect people use as long as I understand what they’re trying to say.
If she professes a deep seated desire to make love to Tom Brady. That just… nope, that’s a deal breaker right there.
If you say you like the Patriots fine. If you like Tom Brady but hate the rest of the patriots fine. But if you like the Patriots and/or you want to sleep with a number of their starters, I’m sorry, that’s a deal breaker for me.
Fuck Tom Brady!
Asking me out on a first date less than 2 hours in advance, via a text message. Don’t try to get away with this unless you are a millionaire who looks like Halle Berry’s husband and are flying us by private jet to Hawaii for sushi.
Trash talk Prince. A little criticism, that’s fine. But if you think it’s the height of coolness to talk about how gay he is, as if that means his music sucks as a result, then I’m gonna need you to get out of my face.
Asking me if I’m vegetarian when I tell you I’m a vet. Yes, I know you’re joking, but corniness is not attractive. Never was and never will be.
Being a Red Sox fan, complaining about an ex when I’m first getting to know them, talking about “we” when it is still you and me, wearing any kind of crass t-shirt like “Milf Hunter”, people who think that Star Trek is superior to Star Wars.
There are a lot more dealbreakers but they aren’t “silly” things.
I mentioned in the other thread that I can’t deal with people who lose their tempers over trivial things. Self-control = massive turn-on ; lack of self-control=massive turn-off.
