Another vote for “Ha ha”
“The Internet? Is that thing still around?”
“Wow, you’re smarter than I gave you credit for!”
“What an odd thing to say.”
“Well Chief, don’t quit your day job! Heh heh, whatever that is.”
D’oh!
Ha Ha!
Thankyoucomeagain!
are the three big ones in my house.
I got the “Can’t talk, eating.” from a rapidly growing teenage boy once.
I like to do the two flavors of “uh-uh-uh-uh”.
The first is used after naming a tasting food, the 2nd is like when you find out your two sister-in-laws are coming over. Same “word”, different intonation.
“Who shot who in the what now?”
and
Hibbert’s giggle
and
“Hey, Everybody!”
I use the “Your ideas intrigue me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter” whenever someone says something interesting, but it’s even better when people say something stupid.
When I apologize to my husband for anything, he replies, “‘Sorry’ doesn’t put thumbs back on the hand, Marge!”
“It’s like there’s a party in my mouth and everyone’s throwing up.”
“It’s crap-tacular.”
Cromulant has come up quite a bit in conversation and “It tastes like burning!” is always going to be a useful multi-purpose phrase.
At a previous workplace people had started using Smither’s “_______'s in sector 7G” to refer to ourselves. Replace the blank with “Low-level drones”, “Worker bees”, “Chair moisteners”, “Brain doners”, whatever.
From the odder side of things I was watching something on the Food Network and they were talking about all the hideous and bizarre things people batter fry and pass off as food (batter fried oreos? I don’t like them much when they’re “raw”). The person I was watching with blurted out “See, I told you they could deep fry my shirt.” And naturally I had to respond with, “I didn’t say they couldn’t; I said you shouldn’t.”
Whever i muddle up something and my wife calls me on it i like to use “Confused would we?”
“[insert name], I’d like to buy your rock,” is popular, usually at random, though especially when someone is explaining something logical.
One of my favorite dialogues is with the Sea Captain.
Man: Shouldn’t the light point out to sea?
Sea Captain: Arrr, Shut up! I know what I’m doing!
a big freight ship crashes against the rocks
Sea Captain: Arr, I hate the sea and everything in it.
It was *symbolism…*he was mad!
NOBODY LIKES MILHOUS!
D’oh! and Excellent… are used far too often.
Everbody’s stupid but me.
MARGE: That’s the worst thing you’ve ever done!
HOMER: You say that so many times it’s lost all meaning.
MARGE: Have you finished fertilizing the lawn?
HOMER: I’m only one man, Marge…
Hey, I used “Aren’t these just buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important? … I’m fired aren’t I?” in a meeting today!
Ahh damnit, I can’t believe I forgot “Everything’s coming up Millhouse”, with Millhouse obviously replaced with my name…
Girl: I just to live on a farm. We used to slaughter pigs to make bacon an pork and ham and so on
Friend of mine" RIGHT!!! There’s some MAGICAL animal that makes all that stuff.
Girl:
Almost forgot! I always use this one:
ie:
Girlfiend: Why don’t you take me to that place we went last week?
Me: Ah…nooo…I was there last night with some of the guys and there was some…unpleasentness.
This is from an episode where Mr. Burns has lost all his money. He gets on a public bus and sits down next to someone (can’t remember who). That person looks at Burns and goes, “Hey, aren’t you that guy everybody hates?” Burns chuckles and says, “Why no, I’m Montgomery Burns.”
Whenever my friend calls to meet up with me he says:
“I’m on my way”
And at baseball games:
“It’s called playing the percentages. It’s what good managers do to win ballgames.”
“Gotcha. Can’t win, don’t try.”
“No one can give more than one hundred percent. By definition that is the most anyone can give.”
Of course Anaheim won the World Series because Mike Scioscia was their manager.
“Oh man, is this ever sweet.”
“Hi, everybody!”
When I feel tired and whiney, I quote Grampa Simpson:
“I’m cold, and there’s wolves after me.”
“All work and no play makes Homer a something something”
“Go crazy?”
“Don’t mind if I do!!”
I actually had an opportunity to use that one recently. Also, there’s abandoned playground equipment in a park near me, and instead of removing the equipment, they keep putting up flimsy fencing around it to keep people away. And of course people still use it all.
This always makes me think to myself “What IS your fascination with my forbidden closet of mystery?”.