Truman: You want me to go first, & show you how it’s done?
[beat]
[beat]
Uh, huh huh. Huh. What a space cadet I am. If I did that, who’d land the plane?!?
Dorman: No more quarters.
Brandon Wheeger: I just wanted to tell you that I thought a lot about what you said.
Jason Nesmith: It’s okay, now listen…
Brandon Wheeger: But I want you to know that I’m not a complete brain case, okay? I understand completely that it’s just a TV show. I know there’s no beryllium sphere…
Jason Nesmith: Hold it.
Brandon Wheeger: no digital conveyor, no ship…
Jason Nesmith: Stop for a second, stop. It’s all real.
Brandon Wheeger: Oh my God, I knew it. I knew it! I knew it!
-Galaxy Quest (“I knew it” is the line that cracks me up, but it makes no sense seeing it out of context)
From Undercover Blues, context provided:
The two leads are approaching the open door to their hotel room cautiously.
Jane: “One man on the couch, reading.”
Jeff: “A literate burglar? How refreshing. Reading what?”
Michaleen Flynn (Barry Fitzgerald) to Thornton (John Wayne) and Mary Kate (Maureen O’Hara) in The Quiet Man: You see that over there? That’s the ancestral home of ancient Flynns. It was taken from us by… by… by… the Druids!
“I’ll call the Brute Squad!”
“I’m on the Brute Squad.”
“You are the Brute Squad.”
Bart, they said you was hung!
And they was right!
Ni! Peng! Nee Wong.
Last of the Mohicans:
“There’s a war on, how is it you are headed west?”
“Well, we face north, and real subtle like, turn left.”
Cracks my shit up every time.
Marlee Matlin on Seinfeld: “I’ll do it.”
“Things will not calm down, Daniel Jackson. They will in fact calm up.”
Also:
“We need to get Rusty a girl.”
“There’s a womens prison right up the road…”
Also:
Jane: You brought our baby into a knife fight?
Jeff: It was a fair fight. Two of them, two of us…
From the Drew Carey show:
Lisa: (talking about Mimi) I couldn’t get her to take off her make-up…
Drew: I heard they tried once, and there was a whole other painting underneath it.
“Um . . . I’m a cow. Can I go home?” (The Emperor’s New Groove, one of Yzma’s henchmen was hit by a stray potion and turned into a cow. She excuses him.)
“I’m sorry, but you’ve thrown off the Emperor’s groove.” (Same, very business like guardman, who pitches the groove-throw-offer out of the palace.)
“First, I’m going to kill you. Is that my voice? Is that my voice?” (Same, Yzma gets herself turned into an evil kitten.)
But you skipped “Ted Nugent called. He wants his shirt back.”
That’s gold, Jerry. Gold!
Oh, and who can forget:
“You’re not gonna believe this. He killed sixteen Czechoslovakians. Guy was an interior decorator.”
Over the time they were on, The Sopranos provided hundreds of guffaw-inducing lines. One of my favorite scenes is this one:
It gets good at around the :55 mark and is loaded with malapropisms and confusion from there on,
That bird better pray he don’t screw up my credit!
“I kick ass for the LORD!!!” - Dead Alive
Seth Adkins on the Drew Carey Show: I see dead people.
We’d better get out of here before one of those things eats Guy !
One! Don’t you feel dumb. Two! Look at you. Three! Don’t you ever make jokes about me behind my back or else I’ll stomp you into the ground.
The man has only one look, for Christ’s sake! Blue Steel? Ferrari? Le Tigra? They’re the same face! Doesn’t anybody notice this? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!
“What do you like to do for fun?”
“Well, play golf.”
“Ah, it’s a great game.”
“Yeah.”
“How often do you get out?”
“Well, let’s see, uh, never. yeah, never, but I’m going to have to cut back that’s really going to hurt.”
**
Though the best funny moments are the ones you don’t get right away:**
Colonel Saito: Do you know what will happen to me if the bridge is not built on time?
Colonel Nicholson: I haven’t the foggiest.
Colonel Saito: I’ll have to kill myself. What would you do if you were me?
Colonel Nicholson: I suppose if I were you, I’d have to kill myself…Cheers!
Star Trek - The Next Generation. A human woman had a crush on Data. Data and Geordi were talking about it, Data revealed how he finally came to realize the depth of her feelings for him (in classic Data deadpan):
“She kissed me in the torpedo bay.”