There’s a lot to be said for staying home for college, and also for not being overly impressed by name-brand colleges. Your sister’s quite probably making a good decision by going to the state university.
Having said that, if he’s breaking the law, then he’s breaking the law (and statutory rape is not a minor crime, either).
Is it zero percent your business because you are her brother, not her dad. Let her make her own mistakes. Frankly, I haven’t seen anything you wrote that indicates this is a mistake on her part
This is the biggest piece of bullshit I’ve read on the net in a week. This is from a dude.
Frankly it sounds like YOU had ambitions for her. She can go to the college she wants to.
This is true. But it will also be true when she’s 18, when’s she’s 21, when she’s 30, and when she’s 65. It won’t be any of your business then either.
I’m glad you care about your sister. However, the farthest you could go is say your piece. You have done that, and if she decides to ignore your advice, that’s her choice, NOT yours.
I tend to agree with everyone else in the thread about this. I’ve never heard of such a thing. At best, I’d be pleased if a friend let me know that he was planning to or had asked my sister out but I’d be creeped out if he asked my permission. She’s her own person, not my property.
Add me to the “mind your own business” camp.
question, are you an immigrant to the United States, or from a family of immigrants, by chance?
Anyone who is dating or falling in love is almost certainly looking at varying degrees of emotional pain in their future. Or do you think that you sister is a Disney Princess who will live happily ever after? It might be better for her to get heartbroken with people who care for her closer to her.
A code among men? First you say that this guy is an idiot loser but now he could have been your brother?
As for life changes, she is 16! This kinda stuff is going to happen.
This is what I’m getting from your posts:
How do I let my sister live her life as long as her life is approved by me alone?
a: Because I can’t involve our parents because…reasons.
b: Because she has to remain the same as she was when she was innocent and not corrupted.
How can I get her to date only people that I approve of that I know won’t hurt her?
a: Because nobody has a bro-code like I do.
b: Because nobody cares for her like I do.
c: Because nobody loves her like I do.
d: Because she doesn’t have to go through life alone when I am here to help her.
I know all of this because I am muthafuckin 18!!!
a: Because this makes me an adult…even if I have not lived as a mature person!
Calm down Gollum.
Not to delve too far into cultural issues, but are your parents, or the not so bright boyfriend’s parents first generation immigrants to the US? I ask because the level of innate entitlement you seem to be taking on yourself about your ability or duty to make very personal relationship decisions for your sister is kind of unusual and something you might see more often in a non-US context such as East Indian or Asian cultures.
I think everyone in their life has to date one person they really should not. I dont know. It seems we all do.
Also why is it that women are attracted to “bad boys”?
I dont know. Maybe people in her life have been so controlling she has to let go and date a jerk in order to feel free. I dont know.
My advice - say your piece but then stay out of it.
And, if it ends badly, for sure as hell dont go “I told you so…” and make her feel worse.
You’re wound pretty tight for an 18 year old. What do you know about life, love, codes, sacrifice and relationships? Certainly not enough to be giving anyone advice. Again, MYOB, and try being less provincial and repressed. It would do you a world of good to try some dating yourself, and not just the girls that your parents pick and pre-approve for you.
Arrr, the code. They’re more like guidelines.
See, nobody else in this thread understands that you’re posting from circa 1959.
Back to my advice or Scumpup’s - game of chicken in hot rods, or highly choreographed switchblade fight while onlookers dance or at least snap to the beat.
I see this going two ways… she may truly be in love, and like some of my friends who met and married their high school sweethearts, she, too, will stay with this guy for years and live happily ever after.
Or she could be like me as a sixteen year old, and be fickle and grow tired of this boy in a few months.
But having her controlling brother tell her that this person is not suitable is not going to allow this relationship to develop naturally. It will just cause drama and make it all way more intense than it should be.
And its ETC, not ect.
How on earth can you possibly make that claim? Saying “If X doesn’t happen, my life will never be the same!!!” is EXACTLY the kind of thing that immature teenagers say, and they say it because they don’t know WTF they’re talking about: “But if I don’t go to the prom…” “If I don’t get into a good school…” “If I never ask her out…” “But I was going to go in to Tarsi Station and buy some power converters…”
More like 1859.
What?
It’s not “normal” to ask permission from your brother to go out on a date or approve your boyfriends or leave the house or approve your choice of college or getting to choose which lotion brand to put on your skin without getting the hose again?
This is the most egregiously wrong thing in this whole thread.
It’s TOSHI station, not TARSI station
The rest of your post is spot on, though.
I think I know what ‘code’ the OP is talking about. It’s the bro’ code.
As my high school teen explained to me recently, the bro’ code is as follows: If you want to ask the girl that your bro’ recently dated, you gotta ask him three times if it’s cool with him that you ask her out. If he says he’s cool with it, you can ask her out. Else, you gotta either wait for permission or sneak around behind his back. In the latter case, you’ve broken the bro’ code. I imagine that’s what the OP is alluding to. So it’s a thing. A moronic thing. But a thing. <shrug>
Don’t apologize for the wall of text - take a minute or two to find good places for paragraph breaks.
Your sister is growing up. Even if she stops seeing this guy (which I think is highly likely), she will continue to make decisions you don’t agree with. She is not going to go back to being your sweet, compliant baby sister. If you continue to freak out every time she makes a decision you don’t like, your relationship with her will go steadily downhill.
She is being secretive and stubborn because she knows you disapprove. But she doesn’t care. She is going to do what she wants despite what you think. That is completely normal. Instead of trying to undermine her decisions and control her choices, why not put some effort into thinking about how to deal with her as an equal?
If you’re at all receptive to our advice, question101, please heed everyone telling you that trying to pry your sister out of this man’s grasp is only going to cement them to each other and strengthen their bond. It sounds counterintuitive, but nearly anything you might do by trying to keep them apart will prolong their relationship.
I’m playing devil’s advocate here so this may come out a little more strongly than intended.
You know what’s pretty awesome to do in the girl world? Lose your virginity. It’s almost as if young people enjoy having sex. For all we know, she’s totally using him. Or they are using each other.
Honestly, so what? Being used for sex is not a terribly uncommon thing, and while shitty, it’s not the end of the world. Why can’t she just learn that lesson herself? I might feel differently if I thought talking to her would make any difference, but we all know it won’t, because she’s 16 and not even grown adults are interested in hearing negative things about their partners. Part of life is regret. She will make relationship mistakes and they will hurt and that is her right as a human being.
If he’s not much more mature than the OP’s teenage friends then it sounds like he and this woman are at similar maturity levels and perhaps a more appropriate couple than one would think. I find the notion that young ladies are these fragile impressionable creatures who can’t be trusted to make their own relationship decisions to be… distressing. Summon the fainting couch, please.
Little sis needs a brother who will listen to her sit and work it out for herself. Chances are if things get serious she will feel the conflict between the fancy university and the state university (the horror!) If it bothers her she’ll start talking about it. If it doesn’t bother her, then she made her choice. If she asks for advice, that’s one thing, but otherwise? Just let her be.