Skippy, I hardly knew ye

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

or
Why I must now dodge the scornful stares of elementary school children in New Jersey
'Twas a beautiful, sunny morning Monday as I got Skirmie ready for school. His homework was done and checked Friday night. He and I hit the rack early Sunday night so we were up on time. Showering, dressing and breakfasting proceeded smoothly.

Hell. We had time to catch half an episode of “CatDog” on Nickelodeon before leaving for school.

Backing out of the driveway, the day was going smoothly. We were ahead of schedule.

A parking space right in front of school! A quick tug to make sure his backpack was secure, a “have a great day” was exchanged and even a smooch was stolen! I was heading back to the house when Skippy entered my life.

Skippy was dead 1.2 seconds later.

Skippy, as I now think of him, was your typical care-free gray squirrel. He was going about his morning business hunting up nuts, checking on his winter caches and enjoying one of the last sunny days before the advent of autumn. Though cute and frisky, Skippy was pretty much a typical squirrel which translates to pretty dumb.

Contemplating my six-hour drive back to Norfolk, I noticed all the children and their moms waiting for the impending arrival of the school bus. I saw Skippy ga-lip, ga-lip, ga-lip (in inimitable squirrel fashion) across the street before my Hyundai. When it happened.

Skippy’s squirrel genes took over, sending little electrical impulses from his little squirrel brain to his little squirrel muscles necessitating an abrupt squirrel about face followed immediately by a ga-lip, ga-lip, ga-lip to whence he came.

Unfortunately, his cute little squirrel “ga-lipping” violently intersected with my bumper (and from the sound of it my oil pan, transmission, floor board and muffler). The morning silence was torn asunder by the squealing of my abruptly frozen tires.

The cherubic face of every child stared in horrific surprise as the cute little gray ball of fur formerly known as Skippy rolled from beneath the rear of my car… complete with a cute little squirrel splatter of cute squirrel blood.

Mothers grabbed their children. Lower lips trembled. Tears fell.

I exited the car and moved the now ex-Skippy to the side of the road, I heard muted whimpering. As I returned to my car a voice broke through my shocked stupor…

“Mommy! Kyle’s daddy killed a squirrel!”

One of the young tykes on the corner was Ashley. Kyle’s friend and cross-the-street neighbor. Also, his classmate.

Coward that I am, I left the scene of my dastardly deed, finished packing the car and headed to Norfolk.

Last night I called my son to speak to him before he went to bed. We had a great conversation about school, the cub scouts and his upcoming bowling trip. I told him I’d see him in a week or two.

“I love you, Kyle.”

“I love you too, Daddy. Daddy?”

“Yeah, Skirm?”

“Ashley says you killed a squirrel and then ran away…”

The new blue scooter which Santa was supposed to bring Kyle this Christmas is taking up an awful lot of space in my back seat. I think I’ll tell him it’s a Skippy scooter.

2

I feel for you. I know it’s of little comfort to know you’re a victim of circumstancs and squirrel reflexes but don’t blame youself.

3

You military people are just trained to kill no matter the circumstance arn’t you??

4

Watch out - Chief is channelling Wally.

StG

5

You heartless cowardly man! (kidding)

{{ChiefScott}}

6

I can see the informercial now…

"…super-deluxe folding RK (RoadKill) Shovel for those impromptu burials! Call in the next 10 minutes and we’ll throw in four, yes FOUR, coffins in various sizes (3 squirrel sized and one cat sized) AT NO EXTRA CHARGE!

As a special bonus for ordering more than one RK Shovel set, we’ll also give you four miniature engravable headstones! A $20 value AT NO EXTRA CHARGE…"

7

[sarcasm] You murderer! Just for that, one smiley :D! [/sarcasm]

8

:wally

Someone up there is raising his beer at ya, Chieff. Good story, well related.

Although I’m surprised to see a squirrel lose to a Hyundai in a head-to-head match.

ducks and runs

9

Is your car ok?
:smiley:

10

Chief,

Don’t feel too bad about it, I’ve had squirrels commit suicide under my wheels too. You try to avoid 'em and the stupid little critters just run right into your path.

Now all you need to do is convince your son that real men run away from squished rodents.

:wally

11

I once had a sqirrel jump under my car while I was driving. I was heading out to dinner with my ex-roommate, David, when it happened. I was distraught, and we pulled over to check it out.

Sure enough, it was dead. No blood, but no breathing, either.

Tears welled in my eyes as David looked at me, at the squirrel, and back at me again. “Looks like you’re going to have to eat it,” he said. (I’m a vegetarian, and anti-hunting.)

12

Nutz!

13

snort

snicker

collapses into helpless laughter

Thanks for giving a sick birdie a good laugh, Chiefy. And I’m with ClogBoy…someone upstairs just raised a tequila shot in a toast.

(And this makes it even MORE amusing to me that I stoppped in time to AVOID hitting a squirrel today…)

14

Can you say for sure that this squirrel was Skippy? Maybe it was a squirrel that only sort of resembles Skippy but was really an evil, serial-killer squirrel who also sells drugs to nuns. If that were true, then you did the world a favor and should be rewarded.

15

OK, Guess I’ll be the adult here, tho that’s a bit of a stretch for a Friday before a holiday weekend -

1 - use this tragedy as a teaching opportunity: “And that, son, is why I tell you to look both ways before crossing the street!”
2 - another life lesson: things die, circle of life and all that rot
3 - aww, don’t make it a Skippy scooter!! One of two things will happen with equally tragic results: He’ll set out to avenge Skippy or to hunt Skippy Jr., or he’ll associate tragedy with gifts and you’re just this close to “Daddy, I saw a squished worm. Can I have a car?”

OK, maybe that wasn’t all that adult. I ran over a squirrel once and I felt crappy for the rest of the day… but ya know, things die, circle of life and all that rot…

16
  1. Be born
  2. Frolic around in trees, public parks, backyards and whatnot
  3. Gather a shitload of nuts
  4. Get hit by an Asian import car
  5. Scurry off into the bushes and die

Yup, Circle of Life and all that :stuck_out_tongue:

17

:wally

good story. Just wait untilk the next PTA, and the looks the other parents give you…

18

I hope you packaged it up and sent it to neuroman! Then its sacrifice might not be in vain and it could save another squirrel from death…kinda like a squirrel donor process!

19

You did the right thing Chief. A friend of mine who is a paramedic just told me yesterday about 2 traffic fatalities that were caused by a woman swerving to avoid a squirrel. Better he than you.

20

Chief my man, I feel very bad for you.

I do.

Really, I do.

Very, very bad.

Poor widdle tree rat.

Oh good Lord, I’m sorry, but the story is hilarious. And out of respect for the recently deceased, I won’t even throw in a smiley.

Now, let’s get down to brass tacks, as it were. Are you going to be in the Great Lakes region any time soon? I got a mouse problem I could use your help with.

Oh, and just to let you know, squirrel = brain? Urban legend my man, urban legend.