If that is true for them then they should probably not try to combine that with their annual visit to their friend. They should just go away somewhere and do what they want at a hotel. Like I said: politely decline the invitation. They could even invite the OP along to do the same thing at a hotel, as an alternative. “We just want to do something different this year.”
I think people are reading a lot into what the OP is saying. How can you conclude from what she says that she is controlling or demanding on their time? It sounds like a perfectly nice time to me, visiting a friend, staying up and chatting, breakfast in the morning, lazing about and relaxing. She hasn’t said anything about rigid schedules, or things the guest might not like. Presumably if it’s the fourth of July and the husband is in bed by 8 he will be disturbed wherever he is.
Have you guys ever visited friends? People are relaxing, lazing about, on different time schedules according to their own needs, being fed. But apparently it is some form of torture because living without a tv for 3 days is unfathomably cruel? Or someone making you food is intrusive. Or going to bed at whatever time you choose is like living with rabid wolves. What the hell do you guys do at your friends’ houses?!
If the guest doesn’t like it they don’t have to go. But you don’t tell your host the house isn’t good enough because you can’t live without your adverts.
Why not? Why shouldn’t they be able to spend their vacation the way they want to?
I agree that making it about TV is a mistake on their part. Maybe it is really about the TV, but no need to be that frank. But they shouldn’t have to vacation somewhere else. Apparently there’s more about the area that attracts them than the OP.
I think a perfect compromise (assuming that it really is just about the TV) is for the couple to stay with the OP for one night–giving the OP a chance to do the hostess-with-the-mostess thing as well as allowing them their girly gab session-- and then do their own thing during the rest of the visit.
Personally, a day of that sounds fine. Two days would be fun. Three days…eh. And that’s if I’m the friend. If I’m the friend’s husband, the “eh” would probably be setting in after an hour.
If a friend of mine decided they would rather stay at a hotel than stay with me and told me it was because I didn’t have a TV, I probably would be a bit unhappy. But I don’t think I’d be angry at them. I’d only be angry if they were trying to impose on me in some way. Seems like they are doing the opposite. And I think that as long as I can still visit with them, I’d be okay. New traditions can be just as fun as old ones.
Seems like they can’t win. If they politely decline, then they risk making the OP feel like she’s being snubbed for no reason. If they give the truth, they risk making the OP angry they would choose a TV over her. The only way to keep the OP from being pissed is to do what she wants. Note she never says anything about leaving her comfort zone and visiting them.
I’m wondering how you would feel if the luxury item was air conditioning. I can forgo TV for three days without a problem, but a single night without air conditioning would be hell. I would choose air conditioning over a friend’s hospitality without thinking twice. Now, I would invite my friend to hang out with me in the cool hotel room, and I think it would be weird and wrong for me not to do this. But no amount of french toast served in bed would make me want to spend the night in a hotbox. Not when I have a choice and it is supposed to be a vacation.
My parents once chose air conditioning and TV over staying with me, and I totally understood.
Because she’s thinking about cancelling the visit altogether if the friend doesn’t stay at her house and it’s hard to imagine that she’d react well if her friend decided to go to sleep at 8 pm every night, or was on a new diet that involved light breakfasts since those seem to be the real reasons the OP is annoyed.She doesn’t seem to feel insulted that her house is not good enough- she’s annoyed that the hotel might make the activities the OP enjoys impossible.
Forget the TV- it’s not about the TV, really it isn’t. Even if its about the TV it’s not. It’s about the friend wanting to stay at a hotel instead of the OPs house- and it really doesn’t matter what the reason is. No ,someone making me food isn’t intrusive. However, someone making me a sumptuous breakfast is probably deciding not only what I’ll be eating and when , but also what time I’m getting up in the morning. And really, everybody is relaxing, lazing about ,on their own schedules? So I guess the OP won’t mind if her friend pulls out a book after dinner instead of wine and girl talk? Or if she sleeps through that sumputous breakfast.I find that a little hard to believe, since she’s willing to cancel the visit if those events may not happen.
The friend has declined the offer to stay at the OP 's house and offered to get together while she stays at a hotel in the area. But that’s not good enough for the OP who apparently only wants to see her friend on her own terms.
( And another reason for me to stay at hotels- apparently , if I stay at a friends house , I am doomed to either do so forever or never visit that friend again)
I get it by everything she’s written, as has the vast majority of people in this thread, excluding you. I’m sure most of it’s been a tip-off due to her describing her friend’s feelings and desires as selfish, silly and in no way caused by any other thing than simply not wanting to be dazzled by the OP’s generosity. Which she’s listed infinitely.
Yeah, I’ve visited friends and no matter how cool their digs are or what a wonderful lifelong friend they’ve been, I prefer my own space. That’s no a crime, nor should it be treated as one. That could be this lady’s point; she wants for the first time ever to do things on her own schedule. Big whoop. The thing to do, if you care, is be accommodating. And I’ve yet to see a single person in this thread say that they couldn’t (A) survive three days without a TV, (B) that having food made for them is “intrusive” or (C) harping on bedtimes. I see people listing reasons why they might be trying to use the OP’s lack of TV as an excuse to do something (have loud sex, deal with personal problems, let hubby get his way for once, or whatever) that, again, the OP has summarily dismissed out of hand. She absolutely knows everything about her friend, brook no argument.
Except this one thing, of course.
Can you point us where the OP has said her friend claims, “The house isn’t good enough because they can’t live without their adverts”? Thanks.
Sorry, can’t get back to all that as I’m trying to solve the problems of Angola for tomorrow and it’s 3.30 AM here.
The friend is not staying at her house because there is no tv to watch her adverts. The facilities are not good enough for her, so she wants a hotel. What’s not to get? Unless she gives another reason this is the information thus far.
Also, air conditioning? Phhss, I’ve visited friends in Africa and South America where I slept on the floor of the one room shared with all family. You think I complained? They were my hosts, I was grateful for every second.
It still sounds to me like the height of spoiled conceit. Sure, you don’t have to like it. Don’t go then. But don’t complain that you don’t like the facilities, it’s beyond tacky.
And again: just a load of inferences about the OP, and nothing to say she would actually be angry if they wanted to read a book instead of talk, or if they politely declined completely for this year. But maybe the OP could clarify?
They must be magnificent people who are worth sleeping on the sweltering floor for. There are a couple of people I like enough who I would do this for.
But literally just a couple.
It doesn’t sound like a complaint. A complaint would be, “Wow. Your place sucks. You ain’t got no teevee. I wanna go home.” The friend didn’t issue a complaint; she gave a reason for declining an invitation. IMHO a silly reason, but not a rude one. For all we know, the friend may have tried to politely decline until the OP pressed her for an explanation.
Besides, I thought friendship is about being honest and not so “polite”. As I said before, I think the TV thing is kind of silly. But if the reason I didn’t want to stay at the OP’s was because the place didn’t have AC (which would be a problem for me), I shouldn’t be too scared to say so. I would say it and trust that the OP still loved me, regardless of my crazy quirks. Which is what the friend did. I guess she had too much faith in the OP.
Your position is ridiculous. The simple fact is that the friend doesn’t want to do exactly what they’ve done every other year. And there’s nothing selfish, silly, or shallow about that.
They want to spend time with the OP, but they simply prefer not to stay at her house. That’s all we know and that’s all we need to know. Everything else you’ve inferred about them is not only unjustified, but it’s also irrelevant.
Different people have different preferences and sometimes those preferences change, sometimes for serious reasons, sometimes for frivolous ones, sometimes temporarily, sometimes permanently. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with any of it.
The friend is being polite - it is not an insult. I don’t care how nice someone’s house is - I would rather stay in a hotel. Sure the TV ad thing is a crappy excuse, but it sounds like the friend was forced to make one to accommodate the OP.
With all the planning the OP has done - some people just aren’t into that - some want a break - jeeze sometime I want to just be able to take a crap without everyone else knowing.
Maybe it’s the husband - maybe the two of them are doing something different - maybe she’s ovulating - who knows - it’s their business. If you want her to come again - I’d suggest you try and let it go. This isn’t something you are going to change her mind on (I don’t think).
Yanno, sometimes when I’m on vacation, I like to visit with friends / family, but then, I AM on vacation, I really don’t want to have to play the good guest.
On vacation, I tend to like to sleep in mornings, not have to make the bed, try new or favorite restaurants, loll around in my undies and yes, watch TV half the night.
If I stay with friends / family, I pretty much have to make breakfast appearances, make the bed / tidy up the guest room, eat when and what they cook, be appropriately dressed outside of the bedroom and shut the TV / radio / laptop down at a reaonable hour as not to disturb anyone. And that doesn’t even take into consideration any mad monkey love the Fella and I want to make on the trip.
During the recession, your house may well have been a less expensive get away (and you were nice to invite them) that offered them an option to staying home. Now that things are picking up, money may be freer but vacation time more limited too. And. This may be a compromise with hubster, who outranks you.
gracer, I like how you keep ignoring the poor behavior of the OP about her friend to the exclusion of all else. Please, keep that up. I’m sure you’d just love to be held in such contempt.
The OP is pissed-off because, ‘this is the way we’ve always done it, and it’s not going to be the same this year’.
I understand her frustration on one level: it’s been a tradition for the couples to get together each year, the rituals have been followed, and like a quasi-religious fest it gives comfort and certainty in this mad world.
But that’s where my understanding ends, because the OP is being totally irrational in her response to the proposed changes.
Again, I reckon it’s not the TV. As mentioned upthread it could be any number of reasons, but it ain’t the telly.
Has the OP considered that perhaps her friend may have given up drinking, and that an evening quaffing wine is not on her agenda any more? She may be loathe to mention it (knowing how much the OP has invested in the experience), and in doing the motel thing is giving EVERYONE a way out of an uncomfortable time?
Having known someone since you were three doesn’t make it a life-long contract. We think it does, but it doesn’t.
It’s a high maintenance friend that harps and demands adherence to The Rules of Friendship. When that’s outweighed by the great things about our friend, it’s easy to deal with; it’s a small part of the package, and after all, nobody’s perfect.
But when the good things start to wane, and the commonalities diminish, the connection wears thin.
The first year was great. It was novel. The second year was nice and relaxed. The third year was just like the second. The fourth year…well, do we REALLY have to do that again?
Your friend knows how pissed off you are. She knows you love the routine, she knows you don’t like surprises, and she took a big breath before she told you of her new plans. Whatever words you used, she knows by the tone of your voice and snappy silences that you are Not Happy.
That’s not a friendship, that’s a hostage situation and ain’t nobody over the age of fifteen gonna put up with that shit.
Seems to me, bookaholic, your friendship may have reached its shelf-life.
That was…almost cute.
I don’t love staying with friends for three days either…but more than that, I don’t want my SO to have to stay for three days with MY friend and never be able to get away from her at any point. Plus as I get older, I just like hotels better.
+1 to **Anaamika **and I’m sure a host of other previous comments about it. Things get exponentially complicated with a SO is involved.
Plus there are a thousand reasons to stay at a hotel instead of someone’s house like missred alluded to. I want to walk around naked (or close to it), eat when I want to eat, eat what I want to eat, stink up the bathroom, sully the sheets with coitus/wine/food, cut farts and steal soap - all of which will be severely hampered by staying at a friend’s.
On the other hand, the friend has put up with it for years… so why stop now? Maybe it really is just about the TV.
My feelings would probably be a little hurt if I were in the would-be hostess’ position, but that’s just because I can be a bit sensitive. :o I’d think - well, did I do something last year that she didn’t like? Is spending 3 days at my place actually so bad that she just can’t stand it this year? But I don’t think I’d say anything to her. I’d figure I was being sensitive and better just hold my tongue and see what happens. Maybe there’s something I don’t know - she or husband may have developed IBS or some other ailment, for all I know. Or maybe they just really want to go to bed early.
It is odd that she says she just has to watch commercials. I wouldn’t buy that as an excuse. It would have been better for her not to make any excuse at all than to say something as lame as “I have to watch commercials.” Still not rude, however, as long as she’s not insisting her friend pay for the hotel or get a TV again.
Without knowing more about the friend, though, it’s hard to say. Maybe she really does love commercials - it’s just hard to believe unless this friend has a documented history of sitting around watching endless commercials with glee.
I agree that this is a jaw-droppingly lame excuse, which, to me, is just further evidence that the TV thing was a polite fiction. If you try to poke holes in someone’s polite fiction, they have to either drop the politeness (“Look, I just want to stay somewhere else, ok?”) or come up with an alternate excuse on the fly.
