Small Town Angst

[abderian]

I’ve got a situation to deal with here. I’ve seen some sensible advice here, and I’d appreciate an outside view.

It’s about my former best friend. We were close friends for a couple of years. I really adored her. She supported me, I supported her. I was going through some marital problems; she was battling different marital problems and more with her children. She was also having an affair.

One day she suggested her husband could help me with a job I needed to hire out. He proposed a plan, noted the step-by-step process, detailed exactly what would be done, and set a price. Unfortunately, this was all verbal.

One by one, the steps were left incomplete. The prices came in too high, and he didn’t seek out further bids. Products were out of stock, and he did not offer suitable replacements. On the whole, it was quite unsatisfactory.

Finally, I told him I would deal with the work on my own, and in response, he gave me a bill. An outrageous bill.

I bit my tongue, paid his bill, and remained distant from that day forward.

The guilt my friend felt over her husband’s behaviour was almost visible. Finally, I spoke to her about it, hoping to clear the air. I told her what he’d promised me, told her I was angry at him, and then I told her I adored her, valued our friendship, and did not blame her a single bit for his behavior.

She thanked me for telling her, we hugged and I left. A few weeks later, I received an e-mail from her. A vicious, hateful e-mail that disparagingly labelled all facets of my life, negatively generalized my own attitudes (“I think you just hate all men!”), claimed memories of meetings she never attended, claimed knowledge of details she’d never been privy to, and pretty much assassinated my character. She listed all the things she had done for me in the past two years. She then listed all the people she’d told about my “ungrateful behavior”.

I responded as kindly as I could, while pointing out the facts as I recall them. I did not respond to her character assassinations, except to say I was sad that she felt our friendship had been so one-sided and that I was embarassed that what I had to offer the friendship had apparently been of so little value. I reiterated that I adored her, valued our friendship, and did not blame her a bit for her husband’s behavior.

This time, HE responded in e-mail. He carried on where she’d left off, and made untrue accusations. (“You’ve probably told everyone in town that I’m scum!”) He accused me of assassinating his character – being ignorant of the difference between a discussion of behavior and a discussion of character – and blathered on about all the great generous things he’d done.

I briefly replied that I had not gossiped about this matter, did not appreciate that the discussion had become so public, and wrote that I was saddened by the outcome – that we can agree to disagree and move on. I wrote that I sincerely wished them both the best.

It is now six months later. A few weeks ago, she met my daughter in a store and told her, “I’m not mad at your mom”. Today, I received an e-mail from her, writing that we should “let bygones be bygones” and meet for coffee.

As far as I’m concerned, her being “mad” at me or not is utterly irrelevant. But I have no wish to meet with this woman. I would love to have a close friend again, but I lost all respect for her when she responded the way she did. I understand that she felt guilty and embarassed about her spouse’s behavior, and that her response was merely a primal defense of sorts, however, I have no interest in reviving any such friendship with someone who reacts to conflict in such a childish manner.

At the same time, I will likely run into her someday, and see no reason we can’t be civil. I am thinking of responding as honestly and kindly as I can. I’d like to write: “I think of you fondly. I bear no ill will towards you; I do not gossip about you, nor do I give much thought to the matter. Still, I have no interest in getting together and dancing around topics to avoid further disagreements. It was kind of you to offer, blah, blah, blah.”

How’m I doin’, folks? I don’t wish to be unforgiving, but neither do I feel any interest in connecting with a person who displays such ignorant, immature conduct. What I really feel is sorry for her. It must be terrible to be married to someone like her husband, and to feel responsible for his @sshat behavior.

Any comments? Arguments? Pies in the face?

[XJETGIRLX]

Honey, all I can say is that your first mistake was in responding to her a second time. When you got that first letter, I think all you needed to say was “I have read and received your e-mail. End transmission” and then walked away.

Obviously this woman is far too dependent upon others (her husband, you) for her own sense of well-being, as she vacillates and agrees with whomever is paying her the most attention.

Your best recourse is to deny her that attention. If you should happen to meet in public, treat her like any other stranger or acquaintance. Smile and greet her only if she greets you first, make no small talk. If she asks you a question, such as how you are doing, reply with as few words as possible, and excuse yourself. You need make no explanation.

If/when she comes begging back for your attention, cut her off. Trust me, it will be the best thing you’ve ever done.

You don’t owe her an apology, and you don’t owe her an explanation. Be sure in the fact that you are justified in living your own life without her in it, and that you are not doing anything wrong by distancing yourself.

[DeVena]

1. This woman is not your friend. No friend would ever treat you this way.

2. Unless she was off her medication, I bet that first email was actually from her psycho-husband.

3. NO APOLOGY? puh-leeez!

You have done more than enough. Stay away from these people. They are not your freinds.

[abderian]

Thanks so much for your immediate and supportive responses. Zowie, one tosses a lengthy diatribe out into the ether, and mere minutes later, two kind and supportive responses appear. Magic!

You’re right that these folks aren’t my friends.

XJETGIRLX, you’ve got a valid point when you write that I should not have responded to her first e-mail. But I knew that her “lashing out” had more to do with the emotional mess in her head than it had to do with me. Her conduct was merely an immature knee-jerk method of dealing with her own guilt and shame.

XJETGIRLX wrote:
Be sure in the fact that you are justified in living your own life without her in it…

I have done nothing wrong. I know that at my core. I have no doubt that this woman’s husband took advantage of me and of my friendship with his wife. He is insecure, exceptionally competitive, and displays an arrogant front. He knew I’d have to either pay the unwarranted bill or lose the friendship. (In the end, I did both.)

I don’t have a huge group of friends here for support – most have moved away – but I must maintain a personal integrity regardless – I won’t surround myself with people who view friendship as a profitable venture, or folks who descend into personal attacks to justify their own bad behavior.

DeVena, good point about the lack of apology. I hadn’t even noticed that. I imagine she’d truly just as soon forget about her behavior – and that of her husband – and an apology would only be a reminder. Either that, or maybe she simply sees nothing wrong with what they did.

I also see some validity in your conjecture that the first e-mail was from the husband – it was not, but it was worded so distinctly that I know the gist had come directly from him. Like I said, he wears his insecurity like a flag.

The fact that I eschew the friendship is not precisely the issue. I am simply trying not to be cruel. I know it’s difficult to make an overture when there’s been a social rift – so I give her credit for that – and while these people are clearly immature in their conduct, that’s no excuse for cruelty on my part.

Neither do I think it’s healthy to hold a grudge – so I’m trying to make sure I’m not pulling a “tit for tat” move by unwittingly inserting a little verbal slap in my words.

Anyway, thanks so much for your responses. I do appreciate your take on things.

[DeVena]

Protecting yourself is not being cruel. You have every right to surround yourself with people who love you. When someone is consistently cruel to you, you need to distance yourself from them. Just like you would a stray dog. Nice - nice - mean growl - nice - bark - nice - snap - snap. Walk away slowly.

It’s not your fault that she married a jerk. And it’s not your fault that she prefers making him happy to keeping your friendship. These were her choices. She has decided against you.

I hate to see this. You seem like such a very nice person. To have someone treat you like this, repeatedly, is not what anyone would deserve. But especially not someone who has consistently gone out of her was to see that she’s not causing anyone pain. Try to be sure that no one is hurting YOU for a while. Good Luck!