Alright, I’ll give the plot away right now: Lana was a witch. There. Happy?
This bewitching episode began in the 16th century. Or the 17th century. Or, hell, it could have been the 12th century, but I wasn’t counting. Not because I don’t like history–I do; I’m a big fan of having some–but because you know they’re going to screw it up. Which (witch?) they did. Although they were in France, not one of them spoke like Maurice Chevrolet! (Chevalier–whatever.)
Turns out that the hooded evil woman in the beginning was Lana. Or, Lana’s ancestor. But it looked like Lana, which was important because they already had a Lana on the set, which means they didn’t have to go out and find another one. But if they did have to do so, they’d just need to travel back to France in the 10 1/2 century to find Lana’s witchy ancestor… who could then play herself.
So, Lana gets to play evil. She shouldn’t because she doesn’t do it very well. I mean, sure I bet she’s all passive aggressive in real life, but her evil laugh as she was being burned at the stake? (Not “steak” because cows weren’t invented in France yet. Duh.) It sounded like the evil laugh my cat threw my way last week. Except she was coughing up a hairball. (That was evil.)
Okay, flash forward to the future: Lois shows up; a second later her boobs stop jiggling and they show up, too. (Thank You, Boob God–wherever you are.) She said something about a party, but I really don’t know what because I was busy writing a nasty letter to the network demanding that Lois’ twins get more screen time.
Blah, blah, blah. What else? Oh yeah: Lex can play the piano. Which he did because Lana (who, at this time–and maybe I skipped over some details–was possessed by her ancient self) told him to do so. But he was playing Shubert. Nobody plays Shubert! You eat it–especially if it’s Orange Schubert. (Too bad the writers aren’t cool with the classical like I am.)
Clark soon rushes in and sees that Lex can’t stop playing the ice-cream. “Lex!” he shouts. “You’re getting orange everywhere!”
“I can’t stop playing, Clark,” Lex whines. “Lana did it and she’s a witch!”
“How do you know she’s a witch?”
“She looks like one.”
“Quick, do you have a duck handy?” Clark was anxious. He could be really fond of birds, but let’s assume he’s just ripping off a movie.
Later…
Hmm… they established that Clark is vunerable to magic. And to acting, but they focused less on the acting and more on the magic. By the time Clark finds out that he should be running, screaming, from bunnies and top hats, Chloe, Lois and Lana are all possessed and pretty underdressed. (The twins brought some friends home to play.) Then they steal his powers. Blah, blah, blah. No one got naked, so it’s not important.
Then something happens. Maybe something else. Clark wins and they lose; except, again, no one gets naked and that’s just bad writing.
The last scene or so has Lana finding out that Lex (who’s given up on playing the piano and started his own grunge band, only to find out that grunge pretty much sucked, anyway, so he’s just gonna keep on shaving his head and find employment by claiming he’s Kojack’s bastard son, Lojack, the Master of Finding Lost Cars) got her boyfriend fired. That’s not important, though, because who cares? Where’s Lois?
The End.
Everything I wrote is true.
).