Actually, my Webster’s defines smarmy as “fulsomely flattering”, so I’m not sure any of these songs really fit the definition.
But maybe smarm is one of those words which lend themselves to the user’s personal definitions.
In any case, many people now need therapy to remove these songs from their heads.
OK, you obviously haven’t gone back in time far
enough, so let’s see what gawdawful crud lurks…
Windy - 'cause Windy has stormy eyes, that flash at the
sound of lies, and Windy has wings to fly, above the
clouds, above the clooouuudssss…!
Wedding Chapel(I think)- and we’re going to the chapel, and we’re gonna be marrriiied, and something or other, and then we’ll never be lonely anymore. (can you believe this crud?)
Georgy girl - I say proof alone that the 60’s sucked.
Aquarius - drugs, the 60’s, 'nuff said.
BOY do I have a lot to say. FIRST: re: “I Am, I Said” – yes, the lyrics suck. But Mr. Diamond was in a deep depression when he wrote this, and having been there myself, I understand that feeling of having NOBODY and NOTHING paying any attention to you. So it’s not as bad as it may seem at first glance.
SECOND: re: David Gates & Bread, an even smarmier song is “Diary”. One of the local shows (the late, lamented “Almost Live”) did a hilarious sketch with a guy dissecting the song. “I just happened to be walking by this tree, and guess what! There’s a book lying under it. So I pick it up, and it’s your diary! And what do I read in it? It’s about me!!” etc. Funniest thing I’d seen in ages.
THIRD: re: the Smarmiest song of all time: I can’t believe no one’s mentioned “Feelings” yet.
FEEEEEEELLLLINGGSSSSS…Wo Wo Wo, FEEEEEEELLLLINGGGSSSSSS…
ACK! (Runs to nearest recepticle to stave off food escape)
I’m almost embarassed that I know this much about the song, but it was originally by Wayne Cochran. It was then covered by Frank Wilson and the Cavaliers. People remember this as the “original version” because it made it to #2 on the national charts, whereas the real original version was merely a local hit in Georgia.
As for what Pearl Jam was thinking, they recorded their cover of “Last Kiss” as a joke. It was released as their annual Christmas gift to members of their fan club and was never intended for general release. It began climbing the charts on radio airplay alone (many rock DJs also get the PJ Christmas singles through the fan club), and since there was such a high demand for the song the band decided to release it to the general public and donate the proceeds to charity.
I don’t know if this will make you feel any better, but the “baby” in “Last Kiss” is the narrator’s girlfriend, not his child.
Speaking of creepy, if you listen to the version of this song by the Cavaliers, Frank Wilson’s vocals seem just a little too chipper for someone describing the accident that took his girlfriend’s life. Kind of makes you think that maybe the guy isn’t really sad at all, that he crashed the car on purpose! Or maybe that’s just me.
Anyway, when it comes to smarmy car crash songs, I think the prize must go to “Tell Laura I Love Her”. It’s about a guy who dies in a car race he entered to win money to buy his girlfriend an engagement ring. Blech. Dave Barry and Garrison Keillor did a great cover of it when Dave Barry was a guest on “A Prarie Home Companion”.
Dang it! You stole Wildfire from me! I’ll counter with:
Billy, Don’t Be a Hero, and
Ruby (Don’t Take Your Love to Town)
Wanna hear something funny? My husband’s job is full of a bunch of jokers and they make up songs and nicknames for everyone. My husband’s name is Randy. Guess his song?
Bwahaahahaa. They sing it to him when I come to visit him at work occasionally!
Adultery songs. There’s a bunch but one that comes to mind is this–is it Brian Adams?–
“…Aaaayiyee know her love is true! But it’s so damn easy makin’ love to you! I got my mind made up! I need to FEEEL your touch, I’m munnuh runtayooooo, OOOOOOOO, I’m munnuh runtayooooo! An’ if the feelin’s right I’m munna run all night I’munna runta you.” Why the hell is he gonna run all night? Aren’t they going to sleep together? Isn’t that what he’s been wailing about for ten minutes?
I also hate all depressed cool songs. Like that Blue on Black thing. Blue on black, cry me a river. Whisper or a screeeeeeeeeeeeam, whatever whatever. I chew Black Jack, blue on blaaaack. I don’t know any of the lyrics. Every time it comes on I pound another hole in the dash.
And “Turn the page.” Deeply, deeply sad. A lonely rockband leafing through their tour scrapbook after a nuclear holocaust.
Well, the latest photogenic-but-talentless-Brit-teen-“band” [sub]TM[/sub] has just released a cover of the Bangles’ “Eternal Flame”. As if the original wasn’t bad enough :rolleyes:
And diamud, damn you to hell for reminding me of that “What if God was one of us” song! I remember when that was popular, my flatmates used to torture me by playing it at top volume just outside the door when I was in the bath. To this day I still find it impossible to believe that anybody would actually admit to writing those lyrics.
]b]ANYTHING** by Harry Chapin needs to be in this list, but particularly is two biggest hits.
“Taxi”: “She took off to find the footlights, and I took off to find the sky.” Why didn’t you just find a nice hole to fall into and leave us alone.
#1 with Lord I Wish I Had a Bullet, though, is Cat’s in the Cradle. Mother of gods, you’re a shitty father. We get it. Do you need to torture us with five minutes of your whining about it disguised as a deep commentary on the tragedy of placing success before family? SHADDUP already.
An honorable mention goes to Dan Fogelberg for anything he ever did, but especially that damn song about running into an old girlfriend in the supermarket. Why she couldn’t have just pelted him with a peck of papaya and run the hell out before he smarmed her up is beyond me.
i was worried i would offend someone after the first song that popped in my head when i saw the thread title, but then i saw others agreed…
Butterfly Kisses
ewwwwww
There’s also a song by Travis Tritt…
It’s A Great Day To Be Alive (I think, may be a little off on the title)
Don’t know why, but god that song makes me want to shoot someone.
I’ve hated Handyman, by John Taylor, ever since I was a child.
*If your broken heart should need repair
then I am the man to see.
I whisper sweet things,
you tell all your friends–
and they’ll come running to me…
Here is the main thing I want to say
I’m busy 24 hours a day
I fix broken hearts, baby, I’m your handyman.*
No thanks, dude.
Many horrid songs have been mentioned but I haven’t seen any references yet to “One Tin Soldier” by Coven, aka theme to Billy Jack. This is smarmy and truly embarassing in the same sense as “Seasons in the Sun” by Terry Jacks, or “Billy Don’t be a Hero”.
Lyrics were something like;
Go ahead and hate your neighbor,
Go ahead and cheat a friend,
Do it in the name of heaven
If you can justify it in the end,
There won’t be any trumpets blowin’ on the judgment day,
But the bloody morning after…
One tin soldier rides away.
The insipid build up of weird rhetorical statements (go ahead and hate my neighbor? okay!) with the final seriouness of the one tin soldier part makes it difficult for me to maintain control. I think there was an earlier version by Linda Ronstadt and the Stone Ponies.
Also almost any christmas tune. We hear the same couple dozen tunes endlessly each holiday season, and almost everyone is awful. But the worst is some Oakridge Boys song where they all start chanting “Happy Birthday Jesus!!” in their trademark country hoot.
I am bitterly disappointed. I read all the way through this thread only to find that AtomicDog took my entry:
“Billy, Don’t Be a Hero,” by Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods.
The scene is the WLAV Grand Rapids Raft Race, circa 1975. The stage is occupied by aforementioned Bo Donaldson, complete with all of his Heywoods, and they are playing their one and only hit song. The backdrop to the stage is the band’s equipment trailer. The adornment atop the backdrop to the stage is half a dozen stoners who drop their drawers and waggle their full moons in tempo.
I wonder if Bo ever found out why the crowd laughed so hard. I have actually come to enjoy the song thanks to the “video” that always plays in my head.
Billy, don’t be a hero,
Don’t be a fool with your life.
Billy, don’t be a hero,
Come home and make me your wife.
Hold on, now…maybe Cats in the Cradle got overplayed, but there’s a LOT more smarmy stuff out there. For example:
#1 - I Got You, Babe. Along with just about anything else by Sonny & Cher.
<retch>
#2 - You Don’t Bring Me Flowers - Neil Diamond and Barbra Streisand.
#3 - Both of Merf’s choices, ‘Billy, Don’t Be a Hero’ and that godawful song about Julie who got shot bringing her skank boyfriend home to Daddy. I just wish I was a bit younger, so I wouldn’t have been old enough to remember the dern things.
#4 - Achy, Breaky Heart. I once paid for a full month of aerobics classes and quit without a refund when, during the first session, the instructor played a self-made tape that had that song not ONCE in an hour…not TWICE…not THREE times…but FOUR TIMES IN AN HOUR WORKOUT. Talk about adding insult to injury. <cringes at the memory>
1, 2, 3, 4, Tell the people what she wore!
One more time!
I have it on good authority that this song is utilized in various configurations as part of psy-ops warfare and POW training. 
Anything by B. Manilow
“If you’re Going to San Francisco”
The “Honda” song by the beach boys
“Love is a Many Splendored Thing”
The Cranberries; that irish whine, it is analagous to a thousand fingernails on a thousand blackboards.
Natalie Merchant- 'nuff said.
Seasons in the Sun
Patches (first one to post this loser)
Billy, Don’t be a Hero (gaack!)
Anything by Don McLean other than American Pie
Anything by Neil Diamond
Tragedy by the Bee Gees
Eric, the Half a Bee (just kidding)
The first ethical dilemma I ever had was in junior high when I found that Seasons in the Sun was the favorite song of a girl I had a crush on. I tried with all my might to like the song but couldn’t do it.
All of the “best” bad songs have been mentioned so I’ll add Believe by Cher-bot.
On the confession side I admit that In the Ghetto is my favorite Elvis song. I freely admit to it. The rest of the dopers at the Phoenix (Chandler) Cajun Dopefest last sunday were incredulous when I confessed.
First of all, this is a thread that cries out for a mention of the Annoying Music Show. Find it on your local NPR outlet, and look at http://www.wbez.org/schedule/ams/ams.htm for more information.
Secondly, “One Of Us” was by the gone and nearly-totally-forgotten Joan Osborne.
The song that makes me want to injure the singer is “I Am The Bullgod” by Kid Rock. It makes my teeth clench so much my jaw hurts.
**
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I mean, is it just me or is this song just pathetic? And why “Brass in Pocket”? **
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I think and hope that she (Chrissy Hynde)was making fun of that type of girl.
What I always wondered was, what word would they have REALLY used (if they could) instead of “side step”?
hint: same number of sylables and doesn’t have to rhyme.
I heard the cover of Janis Joplin’s “Piece of My Heart” by some country music chick a couiple days ago @work, and i think that was just ultra-smarmy.