I had a doctor’s appointment today and one of the standard questions they ask you is “do you feel safe in your home?”. I answered in the affirmative, but a few moments later wished I’d dared to reply “Oh yeah, I’ve got booby traps on all the doors and windows, nobody’s getting in!”
how long has this been a standard question? (I don’t have need of medical attention very often)
“I cannot confirm or deny feelings of security within my own home, that would violate Internal Security SOP, besides, why do you want to know? YOU’RE working for THEM aren’t you?”
I saw a surgeon the other day for a pre-op appointment for this goddamn cyst removal. It has never stopped seeping, so he starts poking at it, which hurt like hell and I yelped. “Sorry, buddy” he says. Pokes again and I yelp. “Okay, I’ll stop hurting you (chuckle).” “Good,” says I, “then we won’t have to hurt each other.” He laughed, albeit a bit uncertainly.
If a cop ever pulled me over and asked, “Do you know why I stopped you,” I’d be sorely tempted to reply, “Because you like meeting new people?”
The clinic I go to for migraine treatment has this standard form that must be filled out every appointment. In the section about employment matters, one of the questions is “are you disabled?”. If you answer yes, it then asks, “by whom?”
The first time I filled out this form and encountered this question, I was baffled. I didn’t know what they were asking me, really. Rather than leave it blank however, I decided to leave a smart ass answer. In response to “who disabled me” I put “God”. 
Actual conversation between myself and a physical therapist, swear I’m not making this up:
“So, how’s the knee today?”
"Feels great. I don’t have any pain at all, except it still hurts when I do this!"
“Don’t do that.”
Once while filling out an application for a job at a shoe store, I ran across the question, “Why do you want this job?” It made me mad. I mean, why does anyone want a fucking shoe store job? I put, “Al Bundy is my idol.”
“Where is that accent from?”
“Planet Earth.”
Used to be standard reply, but people kept getting offended for some reason…
I had a friend who was asked this question, and he did not realize what it actually meant. So his response was “Well, we don’t live in the best neighborhood, but we’ve got good locks on the door and we’ve never had any trouble …”
At which point his wife (who was in the room) piped up and said “She’s asking if I beat you.”
And he laughed so hard that the nurse never did get a straight answer.
I once had a gynecology nurse ask me what I used for birth control. I said “Mostly, my personality.” There were three people in the room, and nobody thought it was funny. I thought it was hilarious.
I had a girlfriend who started on birth control pills and complained that they made her moody and crabby and unpleasant to deal with. Comment to doctor was, “maybe that’s how they work”.
Years ago I was having a little heart flutter called premature ventricular contractions (PVC) that the doctor identified after a treadmill test. He explained them as my heart giving off extra beats. “Sounds to me like I’m dieseling”, I cracked. Not even a smile.
When we were touring child cares for our son, we spoke to one very earnest young woman who was telling us about the facility. We asked about meal options, snacks, etc. On the topic of afternoon snacks, she said something like “We provide healthy snacks like fresh fruit, carrot sticks, <something something>.” She added, “Is that OK?”
I replied, “Oh no, only sweets and junk food please.”
Dead silence.
What does it mean? (Because that’s the only interpretation I can think of, and it seems a bizarre non sequitur for a medical professional.
Draelin’s friend’s wife is right. Doctors routinely ask patients if they are in abusive situations at home. My wife isn’t in primary care, but I think she still asks her patients “do you feel safe at home” as part of the standard new patient intake process. Why this doctor would ask that question with the spouse in the room is a bit of a mystery, though. Like someone is going to say they are abused with the abuser sitting there next to them.
Nothing to add… but I saw this as “Smart-Ass reptiles” for some reason.
What?? That’s hilarious! I think if I came up with something that witty and nobody laughed I would seriously start looking for a new gyno.
I laughed. Good one 
Several times I’ve encountered on forms “Phone number to call in case of an emergency” and I’ll put down “911”.
When my doctor’s nurse asked the “do you feel safe” question 8 or so years ago, I answered, “that isn’t something I want to discuss with you or the doctor, thanks”.
I guess they noted my reply in my medical record, because it hasn’t been touched on since.
And you WERE!!!
You know, I’ve read that as far as reptiles go, monitor lizards, particularly komodo dragons- are fairly intelligent. They can solve puzzles and things when tested.