any better, and I’d have to be naked
“I’m still sucking air.”
Braiiinnnnnssss!
Actually, I usually say “Pretty good, for me.”
I generally answer with “Swell.” Some people take it as postmodern sarcasm, others take it as rustic charm.
Although I’m always tempted to assume an exaggerated Mr. Data voice and say “I am functioning within acceptable parameters.”
Had a co-worker that would always say, “Just trying to eek out a meager existence in today’s haggard world”.
It is interesting to note that here, where I live, people don’t ask that question.
Normally it is, “Where ya going?” whatcha doing?
And zombies never ask.
Well since someone awoke it ------ in real life (in person) when someone asks I stop, check my pulse, and then answer. Some people like that response and some reply with something along the lines of “shithead”.
I came in here to say this!
My version of it is “I am just fine. Fine as frog’s hair.” 
Or if you are having an ex-tree good day you could say “I am finer than a frog’s hair split down the middle.”
I gotta agree the “Bless-ed day” thing is pretty played. Hate it. It is boring and extremely unimaginative. My boss says that “living the dream” thing. I see there are plenty of people trying to make that happen.
If you are feeling good there’s “I’m happy as a bump on a pickle” or “happy as a tick on a fat dog”.
Or if you are having a busy day, you could say you are “busier than a one-eyed cat watching 3 rat holes” or “this place is busier than a stump full of ants”.
Or,
If you want to keep it simple just say, “I am doing quite well, thank you!”
Never better!
Sometimes I say “Could be better,” then pause and add “Could be worse.”
I never ask that, but it’s so ingrained in culture that when I say “hello” people answer with “good, you?”
I’m a bit of a dick. When greeted by a sales store clerk, “Hello, how are you?”, I simply say, “Thank you”. He/she doesn’t care how I am any more than the last 100 people he/she greeted or the next 200 he/she is going to greet in the same fashion. Just say, “Hello”, and let’s both get on with me ignoring you as you count the minutes 'til closing while you fold the same goddamn sweaters for the 17th time today.
I may be the outlier, but I care. For so many reasons… If you’re happy, you spend and my job kind of depends on that. If you’re not happy about something that I can maybe fix, like you’re looking for something you haven’t found yet, I get a sense of job satisfaction which impacts my mood. Let’s face it, I am surrounded by people all day long. If they are pleasant, my life is pleasant. If they aren’t, I’m working hard just to try not to be miserable. Humans are social animals. They feed off each other whether they realize it or not. If you’re interacting with someone who is forced to acknowledge your presence and be available to you, what would you prefer they say as opposed to using greetings that are social norms?
It’s a pet peeve of mine, when strangers ask me how I am. So a “Hello, please let me know if I can be of service”, is all I’m ever interested in hearing from a sales clerk. I know how stores work. I know you’re there to help me find a size or check stock or ring up the sale. If you’ve done that, you’ve made me happy and you’ve done your job well. Asking me how I am when you don’t even know my name, is simply not something anyone should expect of you.
Mine is, “If I were any better, I’d be illegal.”
I guess we could simply walk around silently, for fear that our use of socially accepted conventions will be scrutinized and analyzed by those more clever than us.
But seriously, “Hey Phil, how are you?” “I’m good, thanks” isn’t rocket science. Can someone explain:
Why this is confusing; and
Why the need for sarcastic responses.
Lately I’ve been answering, “About as good as can be expected”. When they ask for clarification/details, I tell them to think about it. It really does make sense wether I’m peachy or battling terminal illness.
If you lived near me I would have some terrific swag for you from
Best leader material out there right now and since I’m been balding a lot I love their hats. Quite appropriate. 
For many years, my go-to response was “reasonably well, thank you, and I hope you are the same.”
For about the past year, however, I’ve gone with “As well as can be expected.”
That may work for 90% of retailers, but my job requires quite a bit more than that. Asking how you are and gauging your answer helps me figure out how best to communicate with you so that I can get through the line of questioning that is required of me to fulfill my duties. It’s okay to shut me down if you don’t need that level of service, but at least do so in a friendly manner and don’t assume I don’t care. I actually *like *my job.
Anthropologists call this “phatic communication.”
Most cultures have **phatic **communication/expressions. I doubt many people make a big deal of it. Its purpose is to convey goodwill and sociability, not the communication of important information.
“In linguistics, a **phatic **expression is communication which serves a social function such as small talk and social pleasantries that don’t seek or offer any information of value.[1] For example, greetings such as “hello” and “how are you?” are phatic expressions.[2]”
“The term phatic communion was coined by British anthropologist Bronislaw Malinowski in his essay “The Problem of Meaning in Primitive Languages,” which appeared in 1923 in The Meaning of Meaning by C.K. Ogden and I.A. Richards.”
phatic
Of or relating to communication used to perform a social function rather than to convey information or ideas.