corny responses to "how are you?" (i need them)

ok, it has recently come to light that my coworkers are disgusted and annoyed by some of the corny lines i use when dealing with clients on the phone.

the most recent one has actually garnered me mass-booing from the rest of the newsroom whenever i use it:

“if i were any better, there’d be two of me!”

please submit your corniest responses for my use - there are few things in life i love more than annoying my coworkers.

“Fine as frog’s hair!”

“Snug as a bug in a carpet!”

For when it’s a bad day:
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world and I’m wearing Milk-Bone underwear!”

In the Garden State on NJ 101.5 we used to have a great afternoon talk show hosted by Scott and Casey. Casey would always respond to that question, “I’m fine. I’m always fine.” Nice way to be polite, but kinda a dick at the same time.

My favorite is “What have you heard?” – emphasis on “heard”.

It helps if you have a paranoid or suspicious look on your face when you say it. (Some people won’t get it.)

My advisor always says, “Better’n I deserve.” It’s fairly amusing.

Crap. That’s more of a response to “How are you doing?” Doesn’t quite work right with “How are you?”

My dad always says, “Wunnerful, wunnerful.”

I dunno, it bugs the shit out of me

For the more alpha-male out there, a guy I know had a great response to “Hows it hanging”; He’d always reply “Mine doesnt hang”. He was, to be fair, a blatant womaniser and proud of it.

Or if you’re doing even better, “Finer 'n a frog’s hair split four ways!”

I had a senior chief who always answered saying, “Shitty!” I had another senior chief who always answered saying, “Proud to serve!” Go ahead, ask me which one we all liked better…



“I. Am. Excellent. How 'bout yourself?”

“Well, let’s see, its 8:01, I’ve been here three minutes, and I haven’t yet had a cuppa coffe. How do you think I’m doing?” Alternatively: “Well, let’s see. It’s 4:55 on a Friday afternoon. I’ll let you know how I’m doing after you start talking.”


“Alive. You’ll have to pay me for awake, alert, and enthusiastic.”

“Well, I can tell you where I am, or how fast I’m going, but not both.”

“Just ducky.”

I usually get a double take on that. Don’t know why. I’ve been saying that since I was a pup.

I got a million of 'em

Ha! I like it. I’m taking it. Someone try and stop me.

“How am I what?”

**Perhaps the questioner is sizing up your competence in other areas. You should make sure.
**How am I where?

There may be ulterior motives.
Before I answer any questions, I want a union rep present.

They may be concerned for your soul. You should be truthful.
Bound for Hell, undoubtedly.

Perhaps it’s a question of stamina.
Depends on how much vitamin E I can get my hands on.

It may be an assessment of your performance.
About a nine. I’m higher than an eight and I’m much too modest to admit I’m usually a ten.

Does the query attempt to wheedle explicit detail “how?” Be firm, but brusque.
I don’t explain technique.

You need to recognize you may be a biased source.
You should do some polling.

If it’s time specific, you might as well come clean.
Currently, I’m unleashing an opening salvo in my battle of wits with an underequipped opponent.

Paraphrased from Groucho: “Well, between the way I feel and the way you look I’d say neither one of us is doing very well.”

I have a friend who says “My head hurts, my feet stink, and I don’t love Jesus” but he doesn’t say that to just anybody!

I say “Fabulous, as usual.”

Fine, how are you? And why?

I like to use the old George Carlin line: “Not unwell”