Someone: How are you today?
Me: If i was any better i would have to be twins to handle it all.
Okay i need to know if anyone has any quotes like the one above?
for different situations?
hurm… I think I remember that qoute from a readers digest article a few years back.
Osip
How are you today?
My Uncle: Finer than snuff and half as dusty.
Of course, it was pronounced “Fineran snuffin half as dusty.”
Where I’m from, many respond with:
Aaaaright.
Fair to Middlin’
Finenjasef?
A different uncle would respond “I’m five by five.” I’ll leave it to the ham-dopers to decipher that one. 
Is this kind of what you’re looking for?
This is more of an IMHO than a General Question.
bibliophage,
moderator, GQ
Fair to Partly Cloudy
Q>How are you?
A> Alive.
Never fails to weird them out.
Spritle, I’m still gasping for air. That’s the funniest thing I read today. I can just picture a little grandpa sittin’ on a stoop saying that.
jarbaby
I made jarbabyj gasp for air. I must be alone with myself for a while.
From Mel Torme’s memoirs:
“How’s it goin’ today, Satchmo?”
Louis Armstrong: “White folk still in the lead.”
I’m not unwell, thank you (pisses people off because they have to figure it out for themselves)
I’m moderately neato (when you’re feeling particularly jaunty)
Or you could be a bit morbid and say, “Dying.”
Or you can be goofy and say, “If I told you, I’d have to kill you.”
I always answer that with, “Well, it’s better than the alternative.”
I have a few of these from my dad:
“Finer than a frog hair split three ways.”
“I was better, but I got over it.”
“If I were any better, I’d be two people.”
“Tolerable.” (Slur this…people think you say “terrible.”)
“How you doing?”
“I’m doing.”
I hate that question! How am I doing what? And what makes you think I want to tell you, or that I believe you care? Just let me hang onto my fragile control; don’t nudge me!
I usually respond with “breathing” or “well, I’m not in the obituaries so I must be okay”
When referring to someone you don’t like:
“I wouldn’t piss on his ass if his piles were on fire.”
I know I’m having a good day any time that I wake up, grab the newspaper, and don’t see my name in the obituaries.
…but I usually answer the “How are you doing?” question with either:
OUTSTANDING!!
or
SUPER FANTASTIC!!
It never fails to impress.
I tend to reply with one of my Daddy’s sayings.
“I’m happy as a dead pig in the sunshine.”
People just don’t get hillbilly humor. You get lots of “what’s that supposed to mean?”. I don’t know what its supposed to mean. It just sounds good.
Or he used to say “I’m in good shape, for the shape I’m in”
My Daddy is cool-he takes his own path- straight out of the backwoods of Arkansas.
In college, we had a dorm “housekeeper”, who kept the common areas clean. When ever you would see her she would always say, “Fine and how you baby”.
Keep in mind…you may tell her that her slip was showing, or that the phone was for her, it didn’t really matter she would say, “Fine and how you baby”.
One response I heard from an instructor that had me laughing was: I don’t know. I haven’t seen my wife today for her to tell me how I’m doing.
One that I usually make is: Six pence gone and none the wiser.
That one really snaps their heads around.
I’m SUPER! Thanks for asking! [/Big Gay Al]