So am I an A-hole for "telling it like it is"?

In My Humble Opinion
1

A coworker of mine recently got promoted at work to a supervisory position.
This coworker, (we’ll call her Amy) me and a couple of other coworkers were up at the bar after work; just sharing idle chit-chat.
Amy then turns the conversation to how she’s having trouble getting her subordinates to respect her as a supervisor. She then breaks down into tears asking (us): “Why wont they respect me? Why does everyone think I’m such a bitch?”

My other two coworkers (who also happen to be guilty of talking much smack behind her back) try to placate her by saying “Oh, they’re just jealous…blah, blah, blah, etc…”

I then piped up and said: “Well, actually I think you come off as abrasive because you can sometimes be very smug and patronizing”

*Caveat: Before I go further let me give you an example of what I’m talking about: Once we were in a small group of acquaintances. We were talking about people we date, relationships etc… She then pipes up and says “Oh, I will NOT date a smoker!! They’re nasty. You kiss them it’s like licking an ashtray.”

Two of the people in this group at the time happened to be smokers and she knew this but said it anyway.

Now, this is hardly a crime against humanity and these are definitely valid reasons for NOT wanting to date a smoker; but come on! You just don’t say things like this and then sport a big grimace on your face like your SUCH a wonderful person for NOT dating smokers.

She also brings this kind of attitude in the work place. She’ll do things like bring somebody a shit load of work who already has more then they can handle then make a snide remark like “Guess you might as well call the wife and tell her you wont be home tonight. Cuz I don’t see you finishing this workload any time soon. Ha ha ha”

Personally, I like this girl because I DO think she is a good person. She is always willing to give a helping hand where she can. -And she’s always volunteering her time for things she doesn’t have to; like setting up for company parties and get-togethers.

As far as her smugness goes, I’ve always given her a pass because I think she’s one of these people who are genuinely clueless when it comes to social graces.*

Anyway, I explain all this to her but all anybody else could do, who was up at the bar that day, was tell me what an ass I was. I told them they weren’t helping her any by blowing smoke up her ass.

So what say you guys?

I mean she did ask for our opinion.

2

Forgot to add:

As I was explaining all this to her I was saying it in the context of: “If you want your coworkers to respect you more, you might try working on being a little more sensitive in these areas…”

3

Maybe you could have phrased things more constructively, but it seems to me that you gave a far better answer than the other co-workers. There are some people who really just don’t get it when it comes to social interaction. You may have done her a favor.

4

I think you were right in telling her that, wrong in the location. I know she asked and it’s not your fault you were at the bar chitchatting, but I do think she would have genuinely appreciated the constructive criticism in a more private, less tipsy place and time.
If she was hanging out drinking with her buds (that were coworkers) and she was actually shedding tears, she wasn’t looking for helpful suggestions. Sounds like she really did want a little smoke blown up her ass. People need that from time to time, and this was her time. I think you should have said something along the lines of “I do have some ideas and would love to talk to you tomorrow.”

5

Shellibean’s advice was correct, I think. What you said to Amy is something she should know, but not in that setting.

6

Don’t kick yourself, SHAKES.

Everybody’s an A-hole.

The whole Human race. No exceptions.

But apologising, with nice, cheap words, even if you didn’t do anything wrong, is always welcome.

7

Right message, wrong location.

8

I think the standard answer to anyone who dares as the question, “Am I an a-hole for telling it like it is,” is, “Yes.”

If asked about her comment about smokers, Amy would probably say that she was just telling it like it is, and yet that is cited as evidence of her being a jerk.

However, it sounds like you said something that needed to be said, but I do think that it is insulting to phrase it in the way you did to someone who was already in a fragile state. It showed very little tact or courtesy, two things which are not synonyms for blowing smoke up someone’s ass.

9

There are times to blow smoke, and times to tell it like it is. I agree with the OP that this small chitchat session at the bar is a perfectly appropriate time to tell it like it is. She asked why she’s not respected, why everyone thinks she’s a bitch, maybe it would help if she knew the secret. Where do you think the conversation would go if SHAKES had said “Nobody thinks you’re a bitch… come and talk to me tomorrow, wink wink.”

If this was a dinner party, and she had mentioned some poor performing employees, that’s not the time to brand her as smug and patronizing, that’s the time to pat her hand and lament the quality of the workforce “these days”.

That’s not to say that telling it like it is has to be tactless, but without seeing the conversation on video, we won’t really know how much tact was used that night.

I’d also like to give a nice shout out to your ass kissing two faced coward coworkers.

10

When people ask questions like that, and especially when women ask questions like that in a relaxed social context, thay are not looking for constructive criticism they are looking for validation or sympathy. If I’ve had a few beers I’ve been known to do the same thing you did and regret it later. In my old age I’m finally learning how to keep my mouth shut. It’s not as much fun in the short term, but morning afters are so much more relaxed.

11

You mean like calling someone abbrasive, smug and patronizing? I don’t see how that’s any different from saying you hate dating smokers.

You should also tell her that she might not want to gripe so much. People respect a leader who appears to be in charge, not one who appears to be at the mercy of her subordinates.

Why are your coworkers so delicate?

12

I’m just curious… after you made your comment to Amy, what was her reaction?

13

To her credit, she took it pretty well. She did try to explain it off as harmless prodding (just as I suspected she would) but she also acknowledged that she would be more “aware” in the future. (That part came way later in the conversation)

Heh, after reading the response in this thread I find it kind of ironic: Here I am preaching to some one about social tact when I in fact made a faux pas myself.

(As far as the time and place goes.)

14

You might have been unnecessarily blunt, but she asked for that information. That was the right time and place. Your co-wprkers should have answered the question honestly. Amy shouldn’t ask questiuons she doesn’t want answered. Yes, I know people do it all the time, but that doesn’t make it reasonable. If she hadn’t asked specifically for that information, you would have been out of line.

15

I don’t think you were an asshole for trying to be honest with her, and I think the time and place was fine for the conversation. However, I also think you were tactless enough in how you gave your advice as to make it as useless as that of the smoke-blowers.

Giving someone effective constructive criticism about their personality or social skills is delicate work. You have to help her to see the problem without putting her on the defensive. Instead of telling her people don’t like her because she’s smug and condescending, you might have tried suggesting that she is sometimes honest or forthright at inappropriate times, and should try to put herself in the shoes of the people she is talking to. Then offer up the smoking and the working late examples – in both cases, she came across badly because she didn’t consider her audience. Focusing on how she could better relate to people is far more useful than focusing on the fundamental personality flaws which caused her to relate poorly in the first place.

16

SHAKES, I’ve got a great case of 20/20 hindsight working for me here :slight_smile:

First of all, maybe there was a better way to say it, but IMHO, SHE was the one who brought it up, so she made it the right place for the discussion.

The best answer I can think of, and admittedly I’d think of this sometime after I said something not so helpful is:

“Amy, if you want people to respect your authority as their supervisor, you need to respect them as your subordinates.” And that’s the nice way, though it might not get through to her.

Since I’m not quite that nice, I would have likely said “Amy, if you want people to respect you, you need to respect THEM first.”

In either case, she might not have had a clue what you were saying, but if she really wanted to learn, she could, if you were a willing teacher.

:: plunks down 2 cents ::

17

I don’t see any problem with it, but I tend to be the same way: blunt and unaware of when is the right and wrong time to discuss something.

This whole “Women versus men” and what they mean thing doesn’t make any sense to me whatsoever, and I’m female. I tell people what I think about them if they ask me, and I would hope they’d tell me the truth if the roles were reversed. I’ve been told I’m a total bitch because I told a friend of mine who has a daughter that she should get a freakin’ job and not depend on her parents. And I’ve also been called a total bitch because I did something similar to what was done above (actually, the question was “Why would he cheat one me? We’ve been going out for one year, seven months and two weeks!” to which my response was “Well, you’re counting by months and weeks, so my guess is that he thinks you’re clingy, which you are.”…said in front of about six other people). I, personally, admire people who just say it as it is, but I can understand why people don’t like that and why it’s not necessarily socially acceptable.

~Tasha

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The guy who joined after me was Katsu, who made one post. I looked it up and my head nearly exploded:

I guess he didn’t stick around because the rest of us speak English.

19

Duuuh… that was my first “whoops that post was meant for another thread.” Excuse me while I slink off into the night…