My wife and I have a female friend that we like very much. We happened to meet her through a male friend of my wife, right before we just got married, and they ended up living together.
My wife and I have since been very happily married for 17+ years. In the meantime, the other couple lived together for over 10 years, before my wife’s friend cancelled their wedding about a month ahead of time. Turns out the male was having a little side business going on right before the breakup, and he immediately moved in with his new squeeze afterward.
Way before all that . . … Because of my job, we have decided that my original wedding pband needs to be put in storage and my wife ordered a secondary wedding band that I can wear at work. Over the past few years, due to health issues, my ring finger has swelled to the point I can’t always wear that wedding band because of the pain.
There have been a few times where I forgot to put the replacement wedding band on and we went out with the Female Friend, after she was left at the alter, and she got all uppitty about it. Yuk yuk yuk we all have a good natured laff about it.
But tonight Female Friend went too far. I ran into her at sporting event without the wedding band, and without mentioning anything to me, during the game she apparently sent my wife a cryptic Facebook message about my not wearing the ring.
Dear Female “Friend”:
You were left at the alter by your boyfriend a few years ago. AND it turns out HE was cheating on you with another woman just before he broke up with you. Don’t project your dissapointment on ME.
Despite what you are trying to imply to my wife, we have enjoyed a 17 year marriage in which I have NEVER either cheated, or tried to do so. Just because you 're fiancé fucked another woman behind your back right before you were about to get married, don’t assume I’m doing the same to my married wife.
What kind of friend sends a text like this to my wife? We meet for 2 minutes at a game and THIS is what you focus on? I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you are joking, but what if there was an issue between my wife and I? What business is it to you? YEAH, this is where I am picking up chicks: at a sporting event.
Here’s the bottom line, Honey: 1. It’s not your business what goes between my wife and I 2. Your relationship problems are your own: don’t project them on ME 3. If you ever want to talk to my wife again, you’ll SHUT THE FUCK UP.
In Bar School we were taught that if woman is wearing a wedding ring, does not always mean she is married. If a man is wearing one it always means he is. And not wearing one means nothing.
She went too far but as you say, she’s projecting, and it’s an awfully painful experience she went through.
It might be nice to give her the opportunity to realise that she’s projecting and that it’s not appropriate. You (and/or your wife) could have a firm but gentle conversation with her to let her know that it’s not appropriate for her to judge you based on whether you are or aren’t wearing your wedding ring.
Then if she continues to act in this way, you can decide whether it’s a friendship work keeping or not.
But at least give her the chance to realise what she’s doing and that it’s not welcome.
How was she ‘left at the alte’, if SHE called off the wedding?
If your marriage is fine then why waste energy getting bent about this? Laugh it off as the projection of her issues, that it clearly is.
Zero reaction is required from you. And, ‘If you ever want to see my wife again…’, comment does not reflect very well on you. Makes you sound kinda like you control whom your wife can see. Yikes!
Let’s not be too literal here: she called off the wedding because he was in the process of dumping her.
Also, FWIW, “If you ever want to see my wife again” is a valid statement coming from a member of a team. If you and your partner aren’t team players, well, sucks to be you.
That message looks very defensive to me. And unnecessarily cruel. And I ageee that the “if you ever want to see my wife again” makes it sound like the OP is holding his wife hostage.
If a response is required, I should think it would be better coming from the person who received the text message in the first place, and it needn’t be explicitly harsh about the friend’s broken relationship.
I understand not being able to wear the ring, I have rheumatoid arthritis and haven’t worn my engagement ring or wedding ban in years. If your marriage is in a good place, I’d let it go. Hell, if your marriage isn’t in a good place I would still let it go because it’s between you and your wife, not female friend. It sounds as though she is feeling hurt and angry, perhaps disillusioned because of her own situation and she saw an opportunity to lash out. Lashing out at others is never pretty but no one is perfect. I’m assuming your wife knows you don’t always wear the ring so it is really a no biggie. Now, if that’s not the case, you may have had some explaining to do. Let it go, and if your wife thinks you wear it all the time and you don’t, hopefully she can let it go, too.
Not valid to me. Members of a team are still individuals who can make individual choices. No one gets the right to bar their spouse from seeing people - that’s like being imprisoned to me. The two talk it out together and decide if they agree on who they’ll see (or split up if they cannot reach an agreement) if there is a serious disagreement.
I don’t believe the OP intents to actually send her a message, he’s just venting.
In case, I’m mistaken, russian heel DON’T send her any messages.
If some mutual friend decided to cause drama between my wife and I, I’d be pissed too, but I think it’s better to discuss it with your wife as to how you both react. That way there is a clear, cohesive message coming from both of you. I’d either ignore it completely or have your wife reply with a simple “Thanks but you’re mistaken”
Angry, threatening, defensive messages could be perceived as evidence that you feel guilty for your behaviour.
Are you a member of said team?:rolleyes:
Only the people who are in said marriage can say with any certainty how much or in what context they can speak for their partner.
I agree that the female friend has her own issues with commitment and is projecting. If I were you, I would send only the following message:
“This issue is none of your business. What I wear or don’t wear on my fingers is between myself and my wife, who is the only person that matters in this, and it does not bother her.”
I designed our wedding bands, and mine has not been off my finger since the ceremony. (Unused to it, I almost slipped it off a month later while fiddling around, waiting for a light to change. Stopped in time.) I’ve had to have special accommodations for MRIs and such because of it - it does not come off for any reason. (It’s a little grooved but lube and some effort would get it off.) It’s something I am quietly proud of.
Which did not stop Mrs. B. from rashly accusing me of an affair a few years back, which set in motion a lot of corrosion that’s led to my present situation, in which the ring will come off late this summer or early fall. I have to decide when. Maybe when I cross the Continental Divide or something equally symbolic.
So, rings are what you make them, as an individual, and not even the same thing to a spouse.
I don’t really care what the internal dynamics of a relationship are, but if it comes to my personal interaction with someone, I will look askance at one adult purporting to speak for another adult. Adults speak for themselves. That’s the expectation I have for people I interact with.
I would have no problem with mrAru telling someone that.
mrAru and I are both mechanics of sorts, and neither of us is comfortable with rings [ever seen a degloving? Not a pretty sight.] We had to borrow a ring and both use it during our wedding ceremony, then we handed it back to the witness.
We occasionally joke “Divorce? Never. Murder? Maybe…”
And we still don’t have wedding rings after 25 years. And won’t ever have them. We were toying with the idea of dog tags.
Maybe I’m not understanding the situation, but if I were in your position, I think I’d just shrug, think to myself “She’s got issues,” and then forget all about it.
I’ve never worn watches/rings/etc. When I got married, I purchased a cheap gold band to use in the ceremony, then took it off immediately after. It stayed in my desk drawer a few years, then the price of gold went up dramatically. I sold the ring for the scrap gold value, making a nice little profit. My wife was pissed off; apparently the ring was supposed to have some sort of sentimental value, which I did not appreciate.
I thank my lucky stars every day that my wife trusts me. I responded to a call years ago where a man’s wedding ring got caught in a machine he was working on and it ‘degloved’ his finger. My partner immediately took off his ring and I swore I would never wear one.
When I proposed and we started making wedding plans, I explained it to her and she was fine with it. I told her if I ever gave her a reason to not trust me, she could ask me to wear a ring and I wouldn’t argue. She has never asked me and I do my best to make sure she never has to.
Side note, they are now making rings out of silicone rubber. Qalo is one brand, but there are others. A lot cheaper and safer than metal. If anyone feels they must wear a ring and work around machinery. this is a safer alternative. (I don’t work for any silicone ring company…however, I do wish I would have thought of it first!)
