Oh, and I want to add this: do NOT under any circumstances give them a pass or break because they are “family”. They are NOT your family if they’re acting this way. Family deserves no special consideration whatsoever when they cannot accept their own flesh and blood and start carrying on like you’ve described.
You are a grown independent woman. You are what you are. Do not let them dictate what you are, do not let them wear you down, and do not let them threaten, plead, cry like babies, cajole, bribe, or otherwise demean you into being what you are not! You can get help from people, you can get help from friends, offline and on, and do not let them take you anywhere! These first few days and weeks can be very tricky, and given that some of us have seen grown, 20-year old women successfully kidnapped, imprisoned, and brainwashed by their families for one reason or another (I need not mention names, but I’m sure some of you know what I mean), you need to take this fucking seriously. Your safety is in danger - anticipate, protect, and act! You think it can’t and won’t happen to you? You think they’d “never go that far”? So have others. Others who are no longer themselves anymore.
You need to proactively call the police (not 9-11, just the general number) as soon as they show up, right when their car pulls up, explain that there is an “explosive family situation” over the turning over of a vehicle, and that you are a young woman alone who feels like you need some safety and protection. I’m sure someone will come out and mediate the situation. Cops are good at that, and it’s what they get paid for, in part.
I’ve put the envelope with the keys and their credit cards out on the door already. It’s over the peephole, so I’ll know when it’s been removed if some sane person comes quietly.
Mom also demanded a check for some money my grandparents gave to me. I was ready to hand most of the money back to them, but my legal counsel (my brother and sister-in-law) said to keep it, it was a gift. “If they want it, tell them to sue you.” Mom was enraged when I refused.
“It was a gift,” I said. I can’t really afford to be too self-sacrificing at the moment, as I’ll need to get a new car tomorrow. I feel guilty about the money, and I’ll return what I can when I can, but that day is not today.
“It was a gift to a DIFFERENT PERSON,” Mom said. I wonder that her head hasn’t actually exploded.
“Legally, I’m the same person,” I said.
I’ve been getting lots of supportive calls and text messages from my GF and best friend, which are sweet but starting to drive me nuts.
It just occurred to me that I meant to mention in my brief note on the envelope that my Jeep’s windshield wiper fluid is either empty or broken. I’m sure whoever drives it back to Houston will figure this out once they run into the swarms of insects along the way.
I’ve read your posts, here but especially your private journal ones, for years. Every time you talk of your parents and the potential for coming out to them, there is a fear behind your words that has always been there. Fierra has noted it as well, and we’ve both been concerned. I don’t think that there could be that consistent level of fear and suspicion shown towards what your parents and family would do unless there was an actual risk. And that sense of unease that I get from reading your posts over the years is one of the reasons I’m being vehement about this.
If nothing happens? Then so be it - order pizza for the friends that came over, and see a movie. If something happens? Your IRL friends will be worth their weight in platinum, even if all they do is stand there silently to make sure nothing happens.
Don’t be yet another statistic for the L/G/T/B community worldwide. Get offline and get IRL people to be there.
She’s fucked; she’s 24-carat fucked. Let her try to “sue” you, and laugh at her. Her getting the money back if it was a gift to you? - it ain’t going to happen. Don’t give her one cent. Don’t give her your dryer lint for crying out loud unless she has a clear, unambiguous, and unencumbered legal right to such.
Another note - when they show up, don’t fall for the “can we at least come in to use the bathroom” trick, either. I know one woman who ended up in the hospital with 2 missing teeth over that little trick. Every town in this country has a McDonalds with flushing toilets, and they can probably find one. They need a cooling off period, probably measured in months or even years, so make sure they have it.
The envelope was quietly taken off the door. No one was standing on my porch. I could see my aunt’s red Ford Focus and the Jeep, so it hasn’t been taken away just yet.
The Jeep’s gone. I turned off my cell phone ringer so I wouldn’t even be bothered with the ringtone, but Mom, of course, had to leave me a condescending message.
“Thank you for the note. It really helped me. Now I know what a brain-washed little girl you are, to be worried for your safety. We’ve loved you your whole life…blah, blah, blah.”
I’m now looking at used cars. Goodbye, fun-to-drive-with-so-so-gas-mileage, hello sensible.
It may be hard to believe now; but having the financial umbilical cord cut now will be to your benefit soon. Once you’re free of the power they have by holding the purse strings, you’ll start to feel more powerful, less fearful and more in control of your own life. It may mean sacrificies in the short term; but you’ll survive. It sounds like your friends will be there to help, so you have that going for you, too. Best wishes.
I’m sure this is better in the long run. I really wonder how they’ll cope when they have nothing left to destroy. I consider recommending to Mom in the note that she smash the old electric guitar I have back in their house. She could have a cathartic grunge moment.
This is why I never handle these kind of confrontations well…I’m shaking with rage for the way they’re treating you just reading this. I’d be incoherent and unpredictable if I were actually IN that situation…
hugs Be safe and know that there’s a huge community of fellow queerfolk out there (and on this board) who are winging thoughts and prayers your way.
My God. Your parents make mine look cool, which is hard. Your mother is not completely rational and is being totally awful and I’d like the throttle her and I sympathize deeply. I would totally cut off contact for a bit-- just be self-sufficient and care not what they think and don’t let them do this insane pschic vampirism number on you. You’re better than this and don’t need to worry about what these people think right now. Hang in there.
Your gramma gave you that money. SHE can demand it back.
There is something sick and unnatural going on here.
That a mother or father should renounce their child simply for the way they are born is sick and unnatural. You remember the parable of the good Samaritan? Is somebody who would turn away from their own daughter being a good neighbor?
Now, I expect your family to quote ‘He that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy.’. But, I remember a certain man, said to be more than a man, saying things about turning fathers to their sons and sons to their fathers. Seems to me that would go for mothers and daughters too. I seem to remember a commandment to love the sinner. By what definition are your parents loving you?
The Lord made Adam from dirt. Those who would turn their hearts to stone go against the work of G-d.
Not that they’ll listen to any of this, or that it matters.
With a screen name like Fionn, you’re Irish. And we know that all the Irish go to hell.
Holy mother of glub Fionn, you have my sympathies. It never ceases to stun me how poorly parents can see it fit to treat their children when they go off and do “strange things”.
Hell, when Mrs. Polekitty’s and I settled in together, her father went into coniptions, cursing, and had I been handy I don’t doubt physical violence would have been used on both of us…
After reading the OP I was going to pop in and say it’s all pretty normal. Parents usually react that way at first.
But then the clan hopped in their cars to come take your stuff away? That’s getting into freaky Matthew Shepard territory.
So sorry kiddo. But you are so not alone. Everything’s going to be okay eventually. Keep going, girl.
You are so totally right in this. You’ve got the moral high ground. Keep it with dignity, and the humble moral superiority only someone who’s grown up as you have, can have. They’ll come back someday wondering after their daughter. It’s up to you whether they deserve to have that one special daughter that is you, or not.
The rest of us are happy to have you with us! And we are legion.
I’m so sorry about what you are going through. Just wanted to send my support. Imagine how much energy it would take for your parents to keep this up for the rest of their lives! I don’t get it.
I hope the days get more peaceful ahead. We’re here for you, girl!!
Una is wise when it comes to these matters. Please use her as a resource. And be very careful. I am getting a very twitchy feeling about this whole situation.
Does your mom or dad know where the two bedroom place is? If not, please move there and give no one in “that” part of the family your new address (and don’t give it to anyone who can be successfully leaned on, either- I am not kidding). If they need to get in touch with you, they have your cell phone.
I hope that as a parent, I will be able to always deal with my sons with some grace, restraint and dignity, regardless of my feelings. I think it is the mark of a decent person.
When I told my mom (years later) that I had an abortion in high school, I was scared to death. She listened quietly, asked a couple of questions (where did I go, how did I pay for it, etc), then politely excused herself. She went into the bathroom, had a good cry where I couldn’t see or hear it (but I eavesdropped), then composed herself and came back into the family room. She feels that my decision was correct and appropriate, even though she does not agree with abortion generally.
I hope I can follow her example- so what if I don’t agree with the actions/sexual preference/whatever of my child? It’s not about me, it’s about them and their happiness.
My kids are smart and I am raising them to have open minds and see the whole world as an opportunity for learning and joy.
Sounds like you are holding up remarkably well under this. I am so sorry your family is acting like this. Now that they have nothing to hold over you (the Jeep) maybe they will leave you alone for a while. Hopefully they will come to their senses. If not, they will be the ones losing, not you.
I’m so sorry. Act as cordial as you care to when you speak with them. Remind them that you’ve been like you are your whole life, but now you’re free to be you. Outdo them in politeness even if it has to be cold politeness, just so they don’t have any other excuse to condemn you.
It looks like they think if they punish you enough, you’ll turn “back” to straight.
