One piece of advice. Change your cell phone number. Otherwise, your mother will continue to call and leave little love notes. If they want to cut you out, cut them out. For at least a few months.
I’m not going to say ‘don’t worry’, but I am going to say that I think they do love you, or they wouldn’t be so hurt. And if you cut them off hard enough, they’ll start to miss you, then do anything to get you back.
Be brave. It’s going to hurt more. But in a few years, it might get better.
…good grief, Fionn, that’s terrible. My parents are rather froot loops themselves, so I know the feeling of wanting to go home and slam the bottle of Ouzo after having one of those insane, circular conversations, but I have to say I’ve never been worried they’d come and kidnap me for deprogramming.
You’re handling this much better than I would. I second (or third or fourth) the suggestion to change your cell number and possibly your address – there’s very little less pleasant than checking your messages to find Why My Children Are Awful People, Part Seventeen, apropos of nothing. You stay with that evil seductress of yours, and I hope things get better for you all the time. 
If I could give you any gift, it would be strength.
What I have been through in the last 8 months has taught me exactly how strong I am. I feel like Wonder Woman (sans cast iron bra). Sometimes the hardest things we go through are the things that we come out of with utter amazement.
That which doesn’t kill you only serves to make you stronger.
hugs
anonymous, faceless, bodyless person who thinks you deserve to be treated like a human being.
Parents who’ve turned on their child are the most frustrating things in existence. They know exactly which buttons to push to turn you into a quivering pile of fear and anger. You know why they know which buttons to push?
Because they installed them in the first place!
It’s hard to ignore it when your parents bait you. But in the long run, it will make you a stronger and more independent person.
hugs
My God, Fionn, I had no idea things were turning into such a bloodbath. I will echo E-Sabbath’s suggestion…everyone needs time to cool off. If you continue to stay in touch with your parents your mom gets to continue to beat her breast and play the “Woe is me what did I do to deserve this I once denied a homeless man some spare change and now God is punishing me” martyr bullshit.
I’m sorry, did you mention that you have any siblings? I don’t know if they are supportive or not, but if they are, avoid dragging them into this and using them as a go-between, as your mother surely will.
No contact for a few months. Don’t respond to your folks for awhile. Give them time to calm down and miss you. Then you can see where things go.
You are in my thoughts.
I have an older brother, and now a sister-in-law. They’re both really supportive, and like my girlfriend a lot.
If it helps, my mother’s parents tossed her out of the family for two years because they both owned the same model Prelude, were selling it, the same guy looked at both, and he bought my mom’s and not theirs.
So yeah, it gets stupider. 
I have, however, been through the whole histrionics part of it.
Fionn,
I just wanted to add my voice to the others here and let you know that there’s one more person who’s never met you but thinks you’re fantastic. You deserve to be loved, respected, and celebrated for who you are. I’m sorry the people you should be able to expect that from the most are unable to see it. You’ve managed to handle an incredibly bad situation with wit and grace and you should be proud of yourself.
Henry Miller once said that if we ever want to accomplish anything in this world, we must destroy hope. I’m sure it would be so much better if your parents could change, but don’t waste a moment of your life waiting for it. It’s up to them to act like decent human beings. You’ve done nothing wrong. Just go on and enjoy the freedom of openly being yourself.
I wish you all the happiness you can find, wherever you may find it.
Good. Treasure them.
Good choice. Reliable little cars. You’ll get your money’s worth and then some.
Fionn, do you mind if I recall you in future moments as a symbol of poise and strength?
Sigh. Having parents that refuse to love you hurts like heck. Telling yourself that it’s not you, it’s them helps you through the day, but it still hurts.
Congratulate yourself for having the courage and humanity. You:[ul]
[li]Followed your own way. I’m convinced this is the path that has the “Buddha nature”. It is the path we must follow in life.[/li][li]Found an S.O. Hope you can stick with it. Love is the greatest thing in the world.[/li][li]Told your parents even though you had some idea they’d go ballistic. That shows immense pride in yourself. Never let go of that.[/li][/ul]
All in all, though, I had to laugh. Your father had an affair, but you’re the one who’s “sinned.” And your parents don’t want to bother to come get the Jeep in Austin. They truly are a piece of work.
I strongly suggest that you and your S.O. pack up and move to California, where I am. What’s to lose? Your parents already think you’re in league with the Devil; moving here will reassure them that they’re right! Meanwhile, you’ll be comfortable knowing you’re probably more conservative than most of us!
Hey, Fionn -
Congrats on the hardest coming out any of us has to do. Think of it this way - it can only get easier from here.
Couple of things to keep in mind over the years… (I came out to my mom a few decades ago)
Nothing is unchangable. Your parents may be slow to come around, but they may someday.
No slight to your girlfriend and your relationship, but… relationships, too, can have an end. Where your REAL strength is, is in your honesty with yourself and the people in your life. Coming out to a “probably bad” reaction is a brave and clear thing to do. You will never again have to be false to anyone just to hide a secret. You’ve already lived through the worst that can happen.
You have a HUGE family out here - you just haven’t met us all yet. But, your chosen family will fill any voids that your parents may refuse to fill. Have a delightful time meeting your future!
I truly hope that you live in an accepting community - are you in a good town? Use your brother and SIL - and tell them thanks, from all of us. My siblings got me through a bunch o’ junk.
If you are in need of an “aunt figure”, let me know! FetchSpouse’s aunt was a great source of comfort and wisdom to both of us, and it looks like none of my niecelets or nephlets are going to come out any time soon…
-Fetch
Fionn , this is one of the saddest threads I have ever read. I just hope things go well for you from this point onward and that your parents will come around eventually. If they don’t, that’s their choice but I’m sure they’ll regret it one day.
Yeah, I’ve realized that staying away from your birth family can actually be a really healthy thing to do… Going back over and over only to be told there is something wrong with ** you ** is like being punched in the nose over and over- why go back if you know they’re going to keep hitting you?
I’m so sorry that all of this is happening to you Fionn. It sounds like you have a very supportive girlfriend there. Coming out to family is never easy, but you did the right thing. Hopefully, in time, they will come around.
I think that most of the dopers here gave you some great advice. Be safe, and keep your sanity.
The toaster I got for coming out as Gay makes French toast, four slices at a time, and even has a spigot for maple syrup.
I came out to both of my parents and was expecting my mother to be supportive and my father to explode.
Exact opposite happened. Mother looked at me, stood up, walked to her bedroom and slammed the door shut.
My dad looked over and said, “It’ll take your mother some time…she’s still living in the 1950’s.”
Sure enough, about five years later when they met my SO, they were both extremely gracious and open and accepting. So much so, that my mother once commented, “I wish your brothers could find someone and settle down like you have.” (Both are currently single, oldest brother divorced three times, younger brother divorced EIGHT times!)
Pretty harsh words from the family, but you know what? Cut them some slack for the time being. You have had ample time to get used to the idea…for them, this was a shotgun blast out of nowhere. It is going to take some time for them to process this and settle down. You have shattered any secret hopes and dreams of that “normal” wedding, “normal” concept of grandkids, “normal” anything.
The jeep story sounds like they are already coming around, in their own way, at their own pace.
With any luck, you might be surprised at how things develop in the not-so-distant future.
At any rate, congrats on your new-found freedom!
Oh, and you can pick up your free toaster at the next Gay Pride Event…just clip out the coupon on the back of your “going to hell” ticket.
Sorry, Eve dear, I’m straight. But like most people, I didn’t come out exactly as my parents wanted.
For many years, specifically until one day the three of us ganged up on her and told her to cut it off because we all found it enormously offensive, Mom would say the following as a joke:
“well, it’s true that three’s the magic attempt. When I got pregnant, I fully intended to clone my husband.
First try was wrong, it’s a girl,
Second was wrong, too much imagination,
Third try, I got it right!”
Me and the middlebro don’t like being reminded that we’re “wrong”, but I’m not sure whether we hate it as much as the littlebro hates being called a clone.
Fionn and others… In Spain, you would be said to “understand”. The following is a partial translation of the lyrics of “El que quiera entender, que entienda”, “Those who want to understand, will” by Mago de Oz (www.magodeoz.es for those of you who can read Spanish). Mods: I have the copyright to the translation and the Magos would love it if they saw their lyrics moving around, promise.
When the end arrives,
autumn for our love
I’ll wait for you. Meanwhile, live
and fight to have
the right to choose
whose head shares your pillow.
Proud of who you are
and not of who you should be.
Thanks, but I don’t think I’m being any more poised or strong than anyone else would be.
My girlfriend and my best friend think I’m holding up remarkably well, but I think it’s easier to hold up when the very worst thing that could happen is I don’t get to drive my Jeep anymore. I’ve got to straighten out my student loan situation, as my dad had been paying off my undergrad loans and I don’t want to wreck my credit rating, but I’m not facing homelessness.
Mom has e-mailed me twice, regurgitating the same old shit, but I just delete the e-mails without replying. She can’t have the confrontation she wants if I refuse to play. Sunday, I deleted a few answering machine messages she and Dad left without listening to them in their entirerity.
One of them actually started out with Mom saying “I’m calling to tell you people know about this…”
Mom apparently misunderstands the point of coming out. I want everyone to know. They can put it on Radio Free Europe so far as I care.
Fionn, the best thing you can do is not respond to your mom. You’re doing the right thing in deleting her e-mails and messages.
Believe me, it will drive her nuts if she doesn’t have you as a wailing wall.
Hang in there. It will get better.