I love puns. I really do. Even when loved ones distance themselves from me, coworkers wish they didn’t work with me and supermodels reconsider their need to sleep with me… I just can’t help myself.
I think I’ve heard most decent pun jokes out there. I’ve scoured internet forums, wrestled with google and poured over yellowed joke books.
So a gagillion points for anyone who can make me smile with a pun that hasn’t yet graced my ears.
Time for some pun-ishment.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
I got nothing 
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Puns are Chuck Norris’ favorite. He loves to pun-ch people in the face.
Love them both, but know them well.
Perhaps I should provide a counter to each I know? Two very short ones…
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
Don’t join dangerous cults. Practice safe sects!
Q: Did you see that episode of CHiPs in Hawaii where they helped the mayor’s assistant against his evil twin?
A: Oh yeah, I think the episode was called “Cool aide and Hawaiian Ponch.”
I have what my friends and family will attest is an unholy fondness for puns, but I can’t produce them on demand – so I’ll move this to MPSIMS without comment.
twickster, Cafe Society moderator
When she married she got a new name and a dress.
Last spring, at the zoo, a family of robins ended up making their home in the lion’s beard while he was asleep. Fearing for the birds’ safety, the zookeeper was dispatched to find a way to remove them. It involved carefully combing the twigs and leaves from the individual strands of hair, and even with the heavy dose of tranquilizer given the lion, carried a large element of danger.
The local TV news crew heard tell of the story, and found it an excellent upbeat feature for their program.
After they’d filmed the delicate procedure, they asked the zookeeper how he’d felt about undertaking such a dangerous task. “Well,” he told them, shrugging philosophically, “beast is beast and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet.”
Barbra Streisand’s making a new movie about a friendly bear who wants to become a rabbi. It’s called Yentl Ben.
That was two-thirds of a pun – P.U.
You guys! I just got back from a week of extreme tailoring, out in the forest! It was SEWIN’ TENTS!
this probably isn’t that funny but I’ve been wanting to use it for a while
My favorite and soccer related was an actual headline:
An evil necromancer was trying to make a barrow wight from a couple of corpses, Allen and Sally Wong. But he failed at this. He soon had to accept that two Wongs don’t make a wight.
A bounty hunter strides into town and asks the sheriff if he’s got anyone needs to be tracked down. “Well,” says the sheriff, “I do, but he’s kinda weird.” “Weird how?” asks the bounty hunter. "Hmmm. He wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, brown paper shoes, brown paper holster, AND a brown paper gun. " “Whoo-eee! What’s he wanted fer?”
“Rustling.”
What’s a ninja’s favorite drink?
What-Tah!
I ate some fried chickpeas and now I falafel.
What do you get when you cross 50 male deer with 50 female pigs?
A hundred sows and bucks.
Why did the Frenchman eat only one egg?
Because it was un oeuf.
Didja hear about the cab driver who drove for 20 years and had nothing to chauffeur it?
A guy who is desperate for work applies for a job as a school bus driver. He gets it, and the supervisor tells him: I’ve got to warn yo, everyone wo has had thisj ob has quit afyter the first day. You only have to make four stops and pick up five kids. That’s your bus, the one with the Sesame Street characters on it.
He goes to the first stop and two very fat girls get on. The first one says “My name’s Patty.” The second one says “My name’s Patty, two.”
At th second stop, a ver weird looking kid gets on and says “My name’s Ross and I’m so special the kids call me Special Ross.”
At the third stop, a littlw black kid get gets on and says Whoo, whassup? My name is Lester G."
The driver drives on and starts to notice a sickening smell. He looks in the rear view mirror, and sees that Lester G has taken off a shoe and sock and is picking at a hugh bunion on his foot.
The bus drive speeds to the school, drops the kids off, and speeds back to the garage. He finds the supervisor and scream s"I QUIT!"
“you quit? Why?”
"WHY? WHY? I’ll tell you why. You’ve got me driving two obese Pattys, Special Ross, Lester G picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus!"
[Part One]
A Buddhist asks a hot-dog vendor: “Make me one with everything.”
[Part Two]
Buddhist hands him a $20. Waits. Finally asks for his change. The vendor points to the restaurant behind him and says: “Change comes from within.”