Personally, I think puns are to humor what Milwaukee’s Best is to beer - an absolute last resort, and still not very enjoyable. But what the hell - lay 'em on me.
(I’d contribute one myself, but I hate Milwaukee’s Beast, so you should know how I feel about puns.)
-Syko
You about the swami who refused novocaine at the dentist?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
<-----I like that one but I think my sig and this one fit:
Aboy was bagging groceries at a local supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice. Intrigued the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied. Said the store manager “Sorry kid, but baggers can’t be juicers.”
If Ghandi had a short temper, bad breath, poor health and sore feet he would be a
super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
A spy had stolen some secret documents from a South American dictatorship. He fled into the jungle, and the Dictator sent his Number 1 General and a small army out to find him. A sudden rainstorm drenched the spy and the classified papers, but luckily he found an ancient pyramid in the middle of the jungle to hide in. He built a small fire inside to dry himself and the soaked documents. Unfortunately for him, the General saw the smoke rising from the pyramid from several miles off and quickly apprehended the spy. The moral of the story?
The searching general says that smoking ziggurats are hazardous to your stealth.
<groan>
Well, I asked for it.
-Syko
Okay, you asked for it! Two campers are planning to go canoeing on a lake, but first they have to carry their canoe across a stream.
Camper 1: How are we going to get across this stream?
Camper 2: Well, we could always try rowing over there in our canoe, but I think it looks shallow enough to walk across.
Camper 1: Oh man! I just wanted to go on a nice trip, but now you have to go and turn it all into a big political debate!
Camper 2: Political debate? What do you mean?
Camper 1: What do I mean? Look at the situation we’re in! We’re talking about Row vs. Wade!
Q. What do you call a knife that can slice four loaves of bread at the same time?
A. A four-loaf cleaver.
The great ballet master Rudolph Nureyev stepped outside for some fresh air when he met two fans. The two, a man and his wife, requested an autograph which Mr. Nureyev graciously provided.
Suddenly the sky opened to provide precipitation for the trio.
“Oh dear, snow,” the lady commented.
“Is rain,” said Nureyev.
“It looks like snow,” she snorted.
“Is rain,” said Nureyev.
"I think it’s snow…"the lady started, when she was interrupted by her husband who said…
“Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
There was once a doctor who, being overworked, decided to clone himself and split his workload in half. So he jumped into his Acme Clone-O-Matic and voila!, there was a second one of him. So he put the clone to work… but alas, he found that the clone was crude, rude, and downright filthy in his treatment of his patients. He’d mock fat people about their weight, he’d make passes at attractive females, and he’d tease young children ruthlessly.
Finally, the doctor had enough, and took the clone to the roof of the hospital to “talk things over”. Except, instead of a discussion, the doctor just pushed his clone over the edge. The clone plummetted to his death. When the police came, they detained the doctor (there were many witnesses to the act), but couldn’t figure out what to charge the doctor with. It really wasn’t murder, they thought, since it was a clone… and it wasn’t suicide, since the doctor was still alive.
Finally, the police chief stepped forward and slapped some handcuffs on the doctor and said, “You’re under arrest.”
Grinning smugly, the doctor asked, “On what charge?”
Equally smug, the chief replied, “Making an obscene clone fall.”
My friends, Joseph and Nick, were debating about the quality of Joseph’s humour. Nick was tiring of his sarcasm and was pretty much begging for some new type of humour.
Joe made some sarcastic (of course) response and Nick retorted, “Yeah, because you’re such a beatnik.”
That’s when Joe primly bopped Nick on the arm and waited for him to get the joke. I couldn’t stop laughing.
There was a crash yesterday involving a prison van and a cement mixer. All of the prisoners in the van escaped. Police say they are looking for seven hardened criminals.
A researcher at a large animal park was working on a formula for to make dolphins live forever. He was using various birds in the formula, and finally discovered that a certain sea bird was the key ingredient. They kept this kind of bird on the other side of the animal park. The professor went and got some of the birds, and was on his way back. He went past the tropical birds, he went past the bears, the birds we flapping and squawking, so he took a shortcut through the big cat exhibit. It was the middle of the afternoon, and they were just fed, and all of them were asleep. Two were across the path, just as he stepped over them, the police came and arrested him. “Officer, what am I being arrested for!?”
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“You are under arrest for transporting gulls across staid lions for immortal porpoises”
When Dan Quayle was running it was said he was asked what he thought about Roe Vs Wade and he said it was two different ways of crossing the Potomac.
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Once, discussing visas, someone said a certain type of visas were reserved for people outstanding in their field and my friend said they must be for farmers because if “you are out, standing in your field, you must be a farmer”
A friend said he went out golfing with a guy with only one leg and my friend (same guy, incurable punster) said “at least he knows what his handicap is”.
This guy makes puns like you wouldn’t believe it. Non stop.
Definition of slow dancing: A navel engagement without loss of semen.
Then there was the native american who was the first one of his tribe to go to college and when he returned home he installed electric lighting in the toilet thereby becoming the first man to wire a-head for a reservation.
Ok, enough punishment
Did you hear about the eskimo that got stabbed with an icicle?
He died of cold cuts.
A psychic midget escaped from prison,the headlines read;
Small Medium At Large.
Did you know that yesterday a midget spiritualist escaped from jail? I just found out myself this morning when I read the
paper. The headline read:
“Small medium at large!”
There was a professor who studied carp fish. One day, while leaning over the tank, he dropped his wallet into the water.
Much to his amazement, the fish began to bounce the billfold back and forth between each other.
It was the first recorded case of carp to carp walleting.
A few from real life:
A couple of my friends were deciding what to make for dinner.
She: “I’d like to make perogies tonight.”
He: “Well, I guess that’s your perogie-tive.”
My girlfriend was helpfully letting me know that my toque was on backwards.
GF: “Your toque’s on the wrong way. You’ve got the seam at the front, but it’s supposed to be at the back.”
Me(looking in a mirror): “Ah, so it seems.”
Q. Why is American beer like making love in a canoe?
A. It’s f**king close to water!
Good one.