Two south-European lawyers are hunting in Alabama. One is eaten by a bear. His friend runs and finds the sheriff. They run back and find that the bear has been joined by its mate.
“Which one ate him?” asks the sheriff.
“The big one! The male!” shouts the lawyer.
The sheriff shoots the smaller one.
“Why did you do that?!” complains the lawyer.
“Would you believe a lawyer who told you the Czech was in the male?”
Okay, this is bad and definitely not the worst pun I’ve ever heard, but it’s been cracking me up for the better part of the day.
I was eating my paltry Thanksgiving meal at a local steakhouse today when I told my roommate that he should have this exchange with the waitress.
“Do you serve eggs here?” (Eggs are not on the menu.)
“Eggs?” (Confused. Who orders eggs at a steakhouse?)
“Eggs-actly.” (Pronounced in a knowing, pleased-as-punch voice.)
I don’t know how that translates into text, or if it was ever funny in the first place, but I like it.
A psychotic sex offender escapes from a mental institution and goes straight to a laundromat where he uses his sociopathic charm to seduce two women. The cops know his MO and are on the scene quickly, but this guy is fast-- he has sex with the women and manages to escape on foot before the police arrive.
Next day’s headline?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Nut Screws Washers and Bolts
Please (forgive me),
TN*hippie
I think I saw this one in the boards before:
A ship carrying red paint collides with a ship carrying purple paint.
The survivors are all marooned.
nice yolk.
it reminds me of another waitress/customer exchange:
“are these napkins sanitary?”
“yes, of course.”
“well are they sanitary napkins?”
The music teacher at a local high school was famous for his mercurial temper. Not a single class went by that he didn’t turn purple with ire, throw his baton to the floor and stomp out of the band hall to cool off. On one particular day, he became so angered at his first chair flutist, that he threw the baton at her. It struck her directly in the heart and killed her instantly. His trial was very quick, and he was sentenced to die in the electric chair. Very soon the day came when he was shaved down, lubed up and strapped in. The order was given, the switch was thrown and a zillion volts of electricity was applied. The band teacher sat there completely unaffected. They tried a second time, with even more voltage. No affect. A third try proved equally fruitless. Finally, the warden asked the man “Why aren’t you dead?” To which the guilty man replied, “I’m afraid I never was a very good conductor.”
(You did say BAD puns, after all)
A friend of mine once picked up a bone that his dog had left in the family room and threw it out the sliding glass door. It hit a ceramic windchime shaped like Mickey that his mom had hanging on the patio and broke it. I promptly told him “People with glass mouses shouldn’t throw bones”. I’m still amazed I thought that quickly.
I was once involved in a competition with the maths society at my uni, (I came third) and most rounds were tricky problem things, but one was “Write a menu involving at least 20 mathematical puns.” I’ve earned undying gratitude by losing my entry, but suffice it to say, had abelian grapes and eta beta pie, and got worse.
(with apologies, no, blame to Spider Robinson)
I was visiting a friend in Georgia who lived out in the country. We were walking down a red-clay dirt road when we came upon an old black man who was pounding the road with a huge mallet. I asked what he was doing and he explained that it was his job to keep the surface of the lane smooth and firmly packed so it wouldn’t get ruts from rain and wear. He went on to say that where we were walking was, at one time, a grove of nut trees. He concluded:
“Muh hammuh’d alley used to be cashew’s clay.”
I looked at my friend skeptically, but he nodded toward the old guy and said:
“He’s the gradist.”
boat like a flutter by,
bring Ike a tea…
TN*hippie
How about this little gem?
A Frenchman recently managed to steal several valuable paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, and putting the paintings in his van, he was captured only two blocks away when the Econoline ran out of gas.
When asked how a criminal mastermind such as himself could make such an obvious error, he replied:
“I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”
[rimshot]
Heard on Car Talk:
A woman gives up her twins for adoption. One is adopted by a Spanish family and named Juan. The other is adopted by an Egyptian family and named Amal. Many years later she received a photo of Juan. She remarked to her friend that she had a photo of the other child as well. The friend says: “Why? They’re twins. Once you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
Why do elephants have big ears ??
Because Noddy won’t pay the ransom !!
True Story (not)
Local guy, Bruce, loved tractors. He had at least 30 tractors on his farm, old tractors, new tractors, broken down tractors, tractors in various states of repair, tractors awating repairs, friends tractors, tractors everywhere.
His ever suffering wife told him one night, either the tractors go, or I go, you’re obssessed !. So wanting to save his marraige, he ditched the lot.
five years later…
Bruce is in a diner on his yearly visit to the city. Across the road a fire breaks out in a book store. Bruce runs over, into the store, and in one breath sucks in all the smoke allowing the trapped people inside a chance to escape. Once outside, he blows the smoke into the air
He’s a Hero, says everybody.
No, I’m not, says Bruce, I’m just an ex-tractor fan !!!
Luke Skywalker & Darth Vader are toe to toe, battling it out on the Death Star.
Darth Vader “Luke, I know what you’re getting for Xmas”
Luke Skywalker “Huh”
DV “Luuuuuuuuke, I know what you’re getting for Xmas”
LS “Cut it out, get on with it”
DV “Luuuuuuuuke, I know what you’re getting for Xmas”
Luke, turns of his light saber, says “what are you on about, old man”
DV “Luuuuuuuuke, I know what you’re getting for Xmas, I felt your presents”
A guy goes into a restaraunt on Christmas Day and orders poached eggs with Hollandaise sauce. When his order arrives at his table, the Hollandaise sauce is served in a hubcap. When he asks the waitress why this should be, she replies:
“There is no place like chrome for the Hollandaise.”
I thought that was when the prison van collided with a truck full of Viagra…
Last night, several criminals broke into our local police station and stole all of the urinals. Police have nothing to go on.
RedNaxela
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.
Ham Sandwich walks into a bar
Barman says “we don’t serve Ham Sandwich’s here”
“Great” says the ham sandwich, “'cause I’m after a drink”
Horse walks into a bar. Barman says “why the long face !?”
(long)
Bar owner in a new part of town. Across the road is a building site for a new apartment block. He’s used to the builders coming into the bar shortly after the hooter goes for quitting time.
One day, after the hooter, a duck walks into the bar, hard-hat on, tool belt around his waist, asks for a beer.
“But you’re a duck !” says the barman. “Yeah !” goes the duck, “you getting that beer, or what”.
“But you talk !” goes the barman. “Yeah, and I do plastering as well. About that beer !” replies the duck
“OK”, replies the barman, and gets the duck the beer. “You should go see a friend of mine, ‘Zesti the majician’, he runs the local circus, I’m damn sure he could use someone with talents like yours”, he continues.
“Whatever”, replies the duck and finishes his beer, and leaves.
Next day, the duck strolls in after the hooter sounds, props himself up on a stool, orders a beer. “Went to see that mate of yours, Zesti” says the duck. “Great” replies the barman, “how’d ya go ?”
“I dunno” replied the duck, “what does a bloke who lives in a big tent want with a plasterer !!”
Two pieces of string walk into a bar. The bartender says “Hey, we don’t serve string in this bar! Get out of here!”
So the two pieces of string walk outside and try to decide what to do. One of them has an idea - he ties himself up and unravels himself at either end. He walks back into the bar.
The bartender says “Hey, I thought I told you, we don’t serve string! Are you a piece of string?”
“Nope, I’m a frayed knot”
BADOOM-CHING!
As everyone knows, the debate on cloning has become more and more intense. In fact several people, including legendary basketball great Kareem Abdul Jabaar, have already cloned themselves and had the clones put in cryogenic suspension for use later. However, the law hasn’t caught up with the technology, so no one knows if it should even be legal to make iced Kareem clones.