Eskimo goes to the repair shop to collect his snowmobile.
“Looks like you’ve blown a seal” says the mechanic.
Replies the Eskimo, “Have not, it’s icecream !!”
Did you hear about the moron who got his wife pregnant 29 times?
He was more on than off.
A panda walks into a bar, sits down at a table, and curtly orders a sandwich. The waiter brings it to him, and the panda promptly gobbles it down. As the waiter is bringing the check, the panda nonchalantly pulls out a gun and blows the waiter’s brains out. Gun still smoking, the panda begins to storm out of the bar. “Wait!” yells the bartender. “You just shot my waiter, and, and, you still haven’t paid for that sandwich!” The panda turns around, and with rage in his eyes, yells back, “I’m a panda lady! Look it up!” Shocked and bewildered, the bartender pulls out a dictionary and checks the entry:
panda: A bearlike Asian mammal with distinctive black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves.
A few centuries ago, a church in a small town advertised an opening for someone to ring the bells at the church. As the pay was rather low, only one applicant showed up, and he had no arms. The pastor asks “How will you pull the ropes with no arms?” The man replied “I may not have arms, but I can do this.” And promptly ran face first into the church bell, which responded with a clear lovely peal. The pastor was aghast at the idea of the man bludgeoning himself this way, but the man pleaded with him and he relented. So the man lived in the bell tower, and each day at the appointed hours, would literally throw himself into his work. Unfortunately, near the end of a particularly busy day, bell-wise, the man, somewhat dazed, lost his balance, completely missed the bell, and hurtled to his death in the courtyard below. A small group of people immediately formed, as is the wont in these types of situations. Someone in the crowd asked if anyone knew who this armless man was, to which another replied, “I’m not sure of his name, but his face rings a bell.”
By a bizarre twist of fate, the dead man happened to have an identical twin, who showed up at the church a few weeks later. The pastor was quite startled to see exact likeness of his former employee, and even more surprised when he applied for the same job. As the pastor was getting tired of ringing the bells himself, and the man was quite earnest in his desire, the pastor allowed him to take his sibling’s place in the belltower. As you may have already forseen, it wasn’t too much longer that the second brother was found dead in the courtyard by a curiously familiar mob. Again, the question of identity was raised, and a voice responded, “I don’t know his name, but he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”
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I’d give my right arm to be ambidexterous.
Young Hamlet said, “Far from sublime,
The food at this inn is a crime.
For the flavor at hand
Is exceedingly bland,
And I find that the joint’s out of thyme.”
a man with only one leg and no arms was slowly making his way down an english country road. all of a sudden, a local man in his morris mini pulled up next to the fellow and exclaimed: “oi! you look 'armless! 'op in!”
ehhee… :rolleyes:
A rich old man was on his deathbed. He called his sons together to give instructions for his legacy. The dying old man says: “Sons, the one thing I always wanted to do but never had the chance to was be a rancher. I want you to take your inheritance, and buy a ranch.” The sons love their father, so they agree.
“But dad”, they say “what should we call it? Ranches need names.”
The father says, “Call it ‘Focus’. That’s where the mourning sons raise meat.”
Three moles are sitting around in their mole hole bored as can
be. One mole gets a bright idea to band together to look
for honey.
All three moles agree and proceed to search for honey. Since the
mole passageways are very narrow, all three moles have to line
up single file during their search. Suddenly, the first mole
yells out to the other two,“Hey, do you guys smell honey?”
The third mole pipes up and says “All I can smell from here is
molasses”.
A doctor is giving a routine checkup to a pirate when he notices that there’s a steering wheel attached to the guy’s penis.
“Isn’t that kind of annoying”, the doctor asks.
“Arrr”, the pirate responds, “it’s driving me nuts.”
A man, whom we shall call him Charles, is cheating on his wife, named Lorraine. His secret affair is hotting up and with his mistress, Deirdre, Charlie plans to kill Lorraine.
The murder is carried out forthwith and finally free of his wife, Charles disappears with Deirdre to their new life together, singing:
I can see Deirdre now
Lorraine has gone…
Oh I got one.
A 10-year old prodigy was doing a recital of one of Beethoven’s famous piano sonatas. He played it so poorly, the police came and arrested his music teacher. The charge: Corruption of a minor.
Next time you find yourself looking for the milk at a grocery store, just find the nearest employee and ask “Where is your dairy area?”
-Sorry, Lec.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
Of couse ther was the man who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Well, many years ago when the Braves still played in Milwaukee, they had on their team one Mill Famey, the renowned relief pitcher.
One day the Braves were losing at the top of ninth, so the manager decided to put Mill in. Unfortunately, a zealous fan near the bullpen had been slipping beers to Mill all during the game, so that by the time he went to the mound he was pretty snockered. He pitched miserably, finally giving up a walk with the bases loaded. The Braves couldn’t catch up and lost the game.
As the opposing team left the stadium, they walked past the bullpen where the case of empties sat. One stopped and said:
“That’s the beer that made Mill Famey walk us!”
Once a friend and I were walking past a Mormon church on our way home from a party. My friend looked at the church and asked, “Do Mormons go to Hell?” I immediately responded: “Mormons do than womens.”
Groan.