So mundane -- Mommy issues. Got 'em?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
81

My Granny was and is a meanie to my Mum, but Granny and I get along really well.

When I was little I always knew what crying mummy meant: she’d been on the phone to Granny! For Granny, Mum couldn’t get anything right: she was fat, a bad parent, living in the wrong country, poor (how dare she be poor!). Mum had been sent to boarding school and Granny had never been the kind, cuddly, loving mum. Granny would criticise and nitpick until eventually the inevitable “Your Father and I”-letter would arrive and we wouldn’t see Granny for a while. We call her the Cheshire Dragon.

I always got along with Granny, even when I was very young. At uni I lived near her and we really got to know each other. She told me what it felt like to send her children away. How she had no idea that there might another option. She cried every night that they weren’t there, but as far as she knew she was doing the right thing. She never knew that they were miserable.

She tells me all her worries for Mum, and I see how it all comes from how much she cares. Then she tells Mum those worries, and I hear from Mum how hurtful Granny has been. It helps when I tell her how to approach things with Mum, or if I say: “Let’s just leave it, it’s Mum’s decision”. But I can’t really help the way their relationship is. Recently she told my Papa to stop using their name (he doesn’t usually, just sometimes when my mum uses hers hyphenated) because she doesn’t want to be associated with him because of his depression. Then she sent Mum a “Your Father and I”-letter about how my Papa needs to stop being a Useless Depressed Person and needs to start being Not Depressed, because this is really detrimental to the family name. My poor Mum is crying her eyes out, my Papa is ready to dust off the guns and sail up the Thames. I go over to Granny’s, we have a cup of tea and I tell her about depression and how it works. And all is good. She calls Mum to say sorry, she didn’t know.

To me, Granny is always very loving. I think she’s been working on her hugs, because she really is getting better. Mum always says it’s like hugging a prickly tree, which used to be true, but she’s much better now. I still get some of the crazy control freak stuff (telling me I need to break up with my SO of 11 years, pff) but I just don’t care.

It’s partially that she is not my mum, there’s distance and I already have a Mum for mum stuff. And she has seen how my mum is with us, and I think she is so sad that she couldn’t have that. So she has had a role model in my Mum for how to be affectionate and loving and she practiced that on me. Only with my Mum maybe it’s too late. Their relationship is fixed; it won’t really change. Still, it’s better than it was and my lovely meanie Granny is still learning!

82

I’m selfishly glad that this thread was resurrected, because I can glom onto it instead of starting my own Mommy Issues thread. Lately, for a lot of reasons, I’ve been thinking a lot about my relationship with my own mother.

Two random things really started me thinking about our relationship. First, last month, I auditioned for Jeopardy. After the audition, I posted some little “whew, it’s over” update on Facebook. Here’s the exact exchange:
Me: “Well, I’m officially in the contestant pool for Jeopardy.”
Mom: “OK, being that f’ing smart is going to be painful for the rest of us so please make it profitable!!!Love you and congratulations. I would love to take some of the credit but I can’t.”
:confused: :frowning: :rolleyes: :mad:
Just once, it would be nice to hear a straightforward “atta girl” from my mom, instead of a backhanded “compliment.”

Also, I couple of weeks ago, my mom and I were discussing some stuff about my first husband, our divorce, etc., because of a joint property issue that has recently arisen. During this conversation, Mom brought up the fact that she had a talk with the ex before he and I married, pointing out to him that I had some mental health issues that he should be aware of*. Mind you, this was when I was 19 - we married the month before I turned 20. I never saw a mental health professional until I was in my mid/late 20s, when I was diagnosed and treated for clinical depression. Hindsight being what it is, I can say confidently that I began to exhibit symptoms in my early teens. It got progressively worse - I have almost no recollection of my seventeenth summer, for example, and it was finally bad enough that I was attempting suicide the slow way and the fast way - starving myself to death (not hyperbole - 5’9", 90 pounds,) trying to overdose or kill myself with alcohol, etc. Here’s the thing, though: My mom discussed my mental health issues with my future husband, but she never once talked to me about them. I wasn’t taken to the doctor, even though we had insurance. My older brother and younger sister were at the doctor every time we turned around, but I didn’t go for even really, really obvious stuff (tooth through lip at age 7? No medical intervention. Broken foot at age 9? Ditto. Broken arm at age 12? Finally taken to the doctor 4 days later, and only one visit - after six weeks, Mom just told me to remove the splint. My only doctor’s visit as a teenager was when I had the flu and developed pneumonia.) And no one ever said to me “Yeah, hormones are crazy, but this isn’t just teenage hormones.” I don’t get my mother’s thought process here… If she knew there was a problem, why didn’t she help me find help? Why were my siblings worthy of medical treatment, but not me?

*Based on that admission, plus a couple of other things - like Mom once hacking my e-mail to send a “dear John” to someone I was seeing, or a couple of other conversations, I think Mom has interfered with my personal life a lot more than I suspected through the years. Looking back, at least one other relationship besides Mr. Dear John probably ended when my mother had “the talk.” How different would my life have been with earlier treatment and less meddling? I’m happy, and I love my current life, but I’ll always wonder…

83

Have you spoken to your siblings about this? What is their perspective/what might their perspective be? Would they agree that it is strange that you weren’t taken to a doctor, or would they say that in fact they never got adequate medical attention?

My uncle is definitely Granny’s favourite, she even says that her perfect boy never does anything wrong. :rolleyes: He knows it though, and often offers to be the one to do the tough talking when it needs to be done (usually along with me, so we are always on the same team). We can give it to Granny straight, and we’ll be fine. Mum and my aunty though…

Another thought, does your mum really understand depression/psychological issues? As I said in my post above, Granny does not. She thought my Papa just needed to get over himself, get out of bed and stop being a wimp. Maybe she just didn’t understand that you needed help?

84

My Mom. If I had to pick a single thing that has most defined my identity, it would be my experiences with her. She had/has borderline personality disorder, and I got the full brunt of her anger and dysfunction. I was both terrified of her and desperately determined to take care of her. I ended up legally emancipating because I just couldn’t deal with it any longer. It took a long time to get past the damage, and I struggled with severe PTSD for over a decade. But I never, ever hated her.

She has grown so much in the last several years. I’ve never seen her more willing to face her demons. I have always known she was an extraordinary person overwhelmed by a mental disease and her own difficult life experiences. As I’ve studied the current research on borderline personality disorder, it’s become clear that what sufferers most need for healing is compassion and emotional validation, and those are the things they’re least likely to get because of the volatility in their relationships. People with this disease are capable of hurting others so much that they are severely stigmatized, viewed as ‘‘manipulative’’ and generally mistrusted. But personality disorders aren’t things that exist apart from other people. The relationship itself is the dysfunction, and there is more than one person in the relationship. That’s something I think I’ve always intuitively understood and I’m glad the evidence backs me up.

I’ve been thinking about it recently, because last week she stumbled upon something I’d written on Facebook - that basically said I would have rather slept under a bridge than spent another moment in that household. I had so much grief that she would read those words, because it’s the kind of thing I would never have wanted her to know. But somehow the honesty and understanding that has grown between us overcame all that old stuff and we moved past it.

I think my current relationship with my mother is more profound than it could have ever been if we hadn’t had such a difficult time when I was a child. And just as a person, I learned so much about diffusing tense situations, about responding to angry people with compassion… because I think, that’s really where it starts. The only response I can think of to these troubled relationships is just try, try to see your mothers’ life in its whole context, try to understand how those experiences made her who she is today. If she is not yet capable of extending compassion, maybe it’s because nobody showed her how.

I don’t advocate anyone remain in an abusive relationship. Abuse should not be tolerated. But for those who truly want to make a connection, who think there could be something positive there… I dunno, that’s just where I’d start.

85

Just to be clear, I’m not implying the OPs mother is borderline… I have no idea about that. All I can do is just talk about the situation with my Mom and hope it might help someone.

86

Oh, Mom definitely doesn’t understand depression! My sister committed suicide in 1998, an action that is still described as “a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” Sigh.

As for the medical attention, I have a theory: My brother was born sick, almost literally - umbilical cord around his neck at birth, pneumonia almost immediately after, chronic ear infections and tonsillitis until his tonsils were removed at age 6 or 7 - after a very difficult pregnancy (preeclampsia, I think, based on how Mom describes it.) I came along less than a year later, uncomplicated pregnancy, healthy baby other than a couple of allergies. Mom became accustomed to seeing my issues as “minor,” and they were, relative to my brother’s. My sister was four years younger, so by the time she was born, Mom had the time and energy to actually pay attention to a kid again - any issues that arose were addressed. And I became so accustomed to seeing my own issues as minor, in comparison to others’, that I never once pushed the issue. (It didn’t help that Ma was on hormonal birth control during the years between my birth and my sister’s, and my mother + what was available back then was terrifying. I didn’t draw attention to myself if I could help it! And then my father was terminally ill, diagnosed when I was 6, died three years later. In the face of chemotherapy, or my siblings’ pneumonia or whatever, my own needs did seem pretty insignificant. But I still needed stitches when I fell and bashed my face on the trampoline, and I needed a cast or splint for my broken foot. My teeth are terrible - underbite to the point that I can’t even bite my fingernails! - but my sister got braces… :D)

The thing is, Mom is a nice lady. We mostly get along, and often enjoy one another’s company. If I weren’t her daughter, I would truly want to be her friend. But in many ways, we’re far too much alike; plus, I have a hard time not spraining my eyeballs when she bemoans her relationship with her own mother, and how she was the “overlooked” child while the other two were anxiously coddled and cared for…

87

My immediate reaction to some of the stories is to tell the offending parent “NO! BAD MOMMY!” in a sharp tone, followed by immediate evacuation of the scene. When the Mommy does something good, then a nice hug and a treat.

I’ve probably been around our new puppy too long, but from the sounds of some people, treating them like a dog might be a good solution!!

88

I’m gonna start spraying my mom from a water bottle everytime she criticizes my finances.

89

I think my mom’s beyond the spray bottle. Maybe the shock collar? :eek:

90

I’m in luck, as the water bottle that works for the cats, ALSO is seeming to work for the puppy. Plus the cats get to feel superior as he obviously is just as much in trouble as they are. :stuck_out_tongue:

But for mean moms, yeah, maybe shock collar is the next step. :wink:

91

Actually, my Mum’s approach of “no grandchildren-time for naughty Granny” whenever Granny was mean about her parenting worked fantastically. She had to do it a few times when I was little, and at its worst I didn’t see my Granny for a year. That sorted it. From then on she tiptoed around the issue, always saying how well my Mum did with us and asking what she should be doing. Didn’t solve all the issues, but no more parenting criticism.

For Cheshire Dragons the shock collar method worked very well :smiley:

92

Sounds to me, like a typical narcissistic mother (google the term, there are plenty of books and websites on the subject - you’ll be amazed at how many women will tell a very similar story to your own)

I’ve tried a tactic like that with my mother, but her narcissism tells her she’s done nothing wrong and therefore my ‘punishing’ her is due to my mental instability and/or vicious, violent temperament, which in turn makes her behaviour towards me worse as she frantically tries to get me to stop being so awful to her and start treating her ‘properly’ (ie worshipping and adoring her).

93

Gosh, a fountain of optimism, your mom! Is she surprised any time anybody is not getting a divorce?

94

This reminds me of something that happened when I was in high school. My sister was talking to my mom, and my sister asked my mom, a nurse, what she would think if my sister went into nursing. My mom said that she would be really happy if one of her daughters also choose the same field. I piped up and said that I would like to be a doctor, and she immediately shot that down, saying medical school was really hard and there wasn’t any way I could do it.

That was the difference between my father, who was actively abusive, and my mom, who was neglectful and not supportive.

Then, they both missed out on the second half of Dogzilla’s mother’s excellent advice. How to handle the world when something comes up that you don’t like. Neither of them could handle the world them self. Neither had (or in my still living mother’s case) or has any ability to deal with discomfort, and so they couldn’t instruct us on how to navigate life. It never seemed to occur to them that this was part of a parent’s responsibility. My mother still doesn’t see that. In fact, she believes that I’m there to help her cope with life and never the reverse.

Unfortunately, I’ve had to take a step back and realize that she’ll never be a parent for me. She’s just too caught up in herself. Some point in the future, I’ll be able to deal with her just as a grandmother to my children, but that’s an exercise for the future. For now, I do better not worrying about her.

95

I am too occupied with daddy issues to dwell on anything my mom may have done. So I chose to love my mom.

My dad I just feel sorry for.

96

She will take any opportunity she can to humiliate me. Before I was smart about what I told my mom, I let her know that my husband and I had hit a rough patch. Not the best idea. Now she thinks we are on the brink of divorce (even though that was years ago).

She has been married three times. First my father and twice since then. My father cheated on her and they went back and forth for years finally divorcing when I was 6. The second marriage, I was 10 when they divorced, so I’m not quite sure what exactly happened, but I have a feeling it was that he put his grown daughter before my mom. I know there was a falling out between my mom and stepsister and I am pretty sure it was my mom’s fault. My current stepfather is a narcissists dream. He totally enables her.

I know this is part of my mother’s problem and she is extremely angry/jealous that I did figure out how to navigate life better than she did. I had to, I saw what the alternative was and I didn’t want to do it.

As far as the helping her cope with life, I’ve done that and it took a huge toll on me emotionally. She was offended when I told her that I wasn’t her therapist and I wasn’t able to continue to act like one for her. She responded that I didn’t care about her and that I was a selfish brat.

I recently started reading Karyl McBride’s Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers book. Holy smokes is she spot on. It’s very validating to read.

97

Oh, I see; she’s a cat, not a dog.

Ignore her. :smiley: Completely ignore her.

Nope, won’t change her attitude, but your life might have much less stress. :smiley:

98

But she doesn’t like to be ignored!

We’ve found a middle ground where she hates me and I tolerate her!

99

Lol, you have a mean kitty mom!

I still think the occasional squirt from the bottle would be fun.