Having worked in a bail bonds office, I can tell you story after story of people in jail for beating up relatives. So it DOES happen, and if the people are on drugs or mentally ill, the results can be far worse than getting punched in the head.
We bail them out for putting someone in the hospital and they go right back out and wait and put them back in the hospital again.
I would cool it with this girl. She has no control over her life. YES IT’S HER JOB to put her life in order where people are not making threats against her. Even if it means separating herself from her family and cutting them off.
As long as she continues to have anything to do with this guy and anyone who’s enabling his anger, she is CHOOSING to enable him.
Why do you need this? If you can’t get another date, I guess that’s a reason but short of that, tell her to get her life in order and then call you.
Why on Earth would you put yourself in harm’s way for anyone who doesn’t care about you? And by allowing herself to be associated with a violent person she is doing just that.
The best way to change bad behaviour is ostracism, unfortunately we don’t use that anymore, but it’s highly effective.
All I’m going to say is, my GF is a bright caring young women. She is being a demonized here a bit. This is the first threat he has offered in his life, and has been incident free for over 10 years. My GF supports me 100% and has cut off all communication with him. She supports my safety 100%. If I did not want to marry her, I would leave her. Would some dopers here leave their families if a crazy relative came out of the woodworks? Her brother is the wildcard in her family. No one’s family is perfect. It sucks for me, but we’re working on a solution together. We may get the restraining order. Thanks for everyone’s advice.
My GF is successful financially, caring, has no bad habits, keeps good friends, etc. Like I said, her brother has been incident free for a long time until now. She is as mad and as scared as I am. Life sucks sometimes. I think sticking together is a value that seems lost these days.
Just wanted to say that neither you or your GF can possibly know that he has never threatened anyone before, and it’s very unlikely either of you can be sure he’s been “incident free” for a long time. You can probably be sure he’s been “incarceration free”, but that’s hardly the same.
Firstly, EVERYONE has bad habits. Saying your girlfriend doesn’t is just plain silly. Hell, she started a relationship with you while still in one and I think some would consider that (I know I do) poor form so please do not try to say she has no bad habits because it makes you seem like you’re not a good witness in this situation if you can’t recognize that. You were given a lot of advice here and only one person said to leave her. Are you sure you aren’t being a bit hypersensitive about her?
Next, do you honestly believe that just because she is successful financially and has good friends that means she’s a-ok and doesn’t need therapy for being sexually abused by a family member? Even if she’s had a bit of therapy in the past, what you’re describing in this thread seems, to me, like prime behavior for needing a hand to handle some emotional situations.
You say that her brother has been incident free for ten years, but unless you’re simply talking about acting out the violence there is no way you can know that. To me, threatening someone is an incident. Nobody can know he hasn’t done that because nobody is with him 24/7/365. In your OP you said
THAT is incident free? Come on, now.
As I said earlier in the thread, I do not think you should leave her. What you describe for her and her family dynamic isn’t healthy. If she had a physical issue causing her pain you’d want her to go to the doc wouldn’t you? Why not help for emotional pain? Several people gave you good advice and support but you’re only dwelling on the two comments that were less than glowing for your girlfriend. Maybe you should reread the thread with fresh eyes
I don’t understand why she still has anything to do with a brother who had been sexually molesting her. If it happened once, that can be dealt with, but if it’s a pattern, why the hell is she still talking to him? Why the hell is he still invited to family gatherings? If her parents have no idea it happened, she needs to talk to them, right now. Her family sounds like it makes for a seriously sick, hostile environment while living in denial.
I know it sounds like the OP’s girlfriend is being demonized, but she needs to take some ownership of what her brother and family are like. Letting you step in and get your ass kicked by her brother is not chivalrous. It’s stupid. If she really loves you, she needs to stand up to her family.
I will also agree with other Dopers who have said that she has a pattern of attracting guys who sexually abuse her. It’s not that she’s just unlucky… she’s showing herself to be a target of easy victimization to the type of men who would do that to her.
The brother needs to be either incarcerated or institutionalized. He wants to own her and is threatened by any man who is with her.
Yeah most violence I’ve dealt with in my line of work has been family or relationship based. She needs to make it clear to him (brother) that any further threats to you will leave her no choice but to completely ostracize him. Pepper spray isn’t a bad idea… its non lethal and it gives you a clear way to get away. I wouldn’t bother trying to talk to him… if you have to explain to a grown ass man that threatening to “beat the shit” out of someone is incorrect… then save your breath… and Lasciel… stop watching television… please…
BTW Police will only be interested if you are going to press charges… you can however file a report for phone threats… you could keep a copy of the report then if he decides to show up then take both reports in and get a stay away order… Only issue with this my friend… is crazy people are rarely moved by words on paper… (BTW get the spray and not the stream…)
Quasimodal, kudos and good luck to you for standing up with & for your GF. It sounds to me like she’s been spending quite a few years getting her head about her and resolving her own issues.
In my nonprofessional opinion, GF’s brother’s rage @ Quasimodal is in large part due to Quasi giving his GF a good life away from the control of GF’s brother. So it’s possible the brother is feeling threatened – he’s not looking out for his sister, he’s looking out for himself keeping his target.
Document, document, document all incidents. Report, report, report all threats of violence to police. Build the evidence package.
There’s so much we don’t know here. What was the nature of the abuse? How often did it happen? What is the general family dynamic like? I can picture scenarios where she still loves him despite some past mistakes, and scenarios where she wants him dead. Reality is probably somewhere in between.
I don’t look at restraining orders in and of themselves as being effective in keeping the nuts at bay; I look at them as a simple way to get the nuts locked up, given that they most likely will breach the restraining orders.
It’s not uncommon in these situations for the whole family, or those that know/suspect about the abuse, to be in denial, or make excuses for the past behaviour, or close ranks about it and tell themselves they’ve put it behind them and there’s no point in raking up the past in front of strangers or the law.
Okay, no one is perfect, myself included. Very rarely, my GF will have a bad dream about her past experiences (maybe once every 6 months) but otherwise nothing from her past has ever bothered our relationship. Many of you are right, I guess the BF is not incident free. I just meant legally he has been incident free. Yes she was in a relationship before, but we’ve move passed that. She has been completely faithful to me and she has grown considerably in our 2 years of knowing each other. The brother only sees her on family holidays and the random occasion in between.
My GF’s attempted rape only happened when she was breaking away from the prior boyfriend. In her defense…She broke away from him. Why? Because she was fed up. I don’t think that’s weakness…that is strength.
Scuba Ben: I agree with you completely, I’m threatening his time with his sister, which he is possessive over.
I will likely be heading down to the police tomorrow afternoon. We have a copy of the conversation. Thanks to everyone for helping me here, even advice that is hard for me to accept.
I work with women suffering from trauma on a daily basis and I am wondering if your girlfriend is getting any help psychologically to deal with what has happened and what has been going on at the moment.
I am glad that you are standing by her and supporting her, but lets say this situation does become violent…realistically, how will it affect her, and you, and the relationship? Maybe this is something you guys want to sit down and talk about and think about ways in which you can handle the current situation without causing any more damage to anyone involved.
