So my GF's brother has threatened to hurt me.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

My Girlfriend has come from a very challenging family. I support her and love her 110%, but her brother doesn’t seem to think so. Very recently he had a phone conversation with her telling her that he would beat the shit out of me. The reasons for this…well I’m still trying to figure out. It’s safe to say he’s disturbed though. I’ll go in to more detail.

Some on here know how our relationship began. We saw each other while she was in the midst of a previous relationship. The prior relationship was poor (she was told not to have a social life, and was almost raped at one point). It took awhile but eventually she broke away from her old boyfriend and committed to me 100%. It’s been almost two years, and our relationship has only strengthened. We fully plan to spend the rest of our live’s together. I never hurt her, and only support her. We are a team, and we’ve never really had any sort of serious fight. It’s just great.

Her brother on the other hand, has problems. When she was a kid, he sexually abused her. For most of his adult life he has been moody, controlling, and intimidating. He was on antidepressants for awhile. In recent months, my GF has felt that her family was demanding too much of her time, so she decided to say no to certain traditional family gatherings. She still loves her family, even though her brother can be trying, and she still visits and phones often. However in his eyes, her brother thinks that I’m taking her away from her family, and as a result, as threatened to her over the phone that he would hurt me.

We have saved the phone message in case we need it as evidence, and we are getting a security system in our new place. Beyond this…I don’t know what to do. I love her, and won’t leave her over this, even if I get the crap kicked out of me (he is twice my size). I don’t know how I can feel safe at family gatherings now and in the future. I don’t want to call the cops, as it may be an empty threat, my GF seems to think so. Still I am concerned. This relationship has been one of the best things in my life, but dealing with her family and her old network of friends has been very challenging. I love her though, and will stand by her…even if I get a broken arm.

2

For most of my young adult life I was pretty intimidated about “getting beaten up” and I did my best to never let that happen.

Then one night some friends and I got drunk and started bareknuckle boxing in a bad imitation of “Fight Club”. (A very stupid thing to do, I know.)

Getting punched in the head hurt a lot less than I thought it would. Granted, these were my friends, and there was no maliciousness involved. But we did trade quite a few blows, and for quite a long time.

But our little punch up got me thinking about the other incidents involving violence I was almost party to. In most of these situations I don’t think I would have gotten any more hurt (there were never, ever any weapons involved).

And the actual fights I have witnessed usually ended after one or two blows, before someone came along and broke up the fight.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is that if he comes at you at a family gathering, the worst you’ll probably get is a bloody nose or a black eye. It’s not like he’s going to literally pick you up and rip you in half. And if he punches you in the head, punch him back.

(OK, I know that fighting can be very dangerous, and my anecdotes do not constitute, empirical evidence. But what I’m basically trying to get across is that sometimes the fear of getting “beaten up” is much worse than anything that happens in the actual fight itself.)

3

You know what everyone here is going to tell you right? Leave her. That’s the de facto response for any relationship advice thread on the SDMB.

Of course the alternative is to confront him in a non-violent way (preferably somewhere public or around other family so you can be reasonably assured he won’t go crazy) and figure out WTF his deal is.

4

Nah, don’t leave her. Good for you, standing up for your relationship in the face of potential violence, or least rampant asshattery.

If he’s got an actual history of violence, take precautions and avoid the situation. Without question, it’s not worth it.

If he’s truly just troubled - even with a history of controlling and intimidating behavior - then it sounds like a bully situation. I’m guessing he’s dominated the family dynamic for years, and they long since made some accomodation to his jerkishness.

If he’s really more of bully type, if he got verbally aggressive in person, I’d be inclined to take him down. Hard, given the past sexual abuse. Not to injure permanently, just to scare the shit out of him.

Just because he’s a troubled guy with an attitude doesn’t mean he doesn’t deserve an asskicking.

Bullies are what they are because no one is willing to confront them.

5

Having two brothers myself (granted, of the non-totally nutso type) threats of bodily harm to boyfriends are part of what brothers are for. Mine have threatened everything from decapitation to shooting to chasing them down and running them over with their trucks.

If you really want to take the wind out of his sails, make a point of finding him at the next family gathering that you and the GF go to * (and try to be sincere when you say this) tell him that you’re glad that your GF has a big strong male relative to look out for her, and that you two have that in common, ***because you’re going to beat the shit out of him if he ever hurts her either. *** Smile real big, and then go get a beer and don’t talk to him for the rest of the event, but whenever he catches your gaze, smile really big, and give him a “cheers” salute with your beer.

  • Here’s the first part of your technique. This is *very important *to your plans. Convince the GF to spend a LITTLE time at each event with her family. Tell her that if she stops going, it’s going to look to everyone like you’re repeating what the evil ex did to her by cutting her off from her family and friends.

Let her know that you’ll go with her to all of them, (and mean it) and then when you go, decide ahead of time exactly how long you’re going to stay - 30 minutes, an hour, til dessert, whatever. When that time comes, let her plead tiredness and visibly have to come find you and convince you to leave (a good tactic is to have her come get you when you’re in the middle of a plate of food or a dessert, or if you’re playing with the kids in the family.) The goal is to make it obvious to a stoned, blind, and crack-addicted moron that it isn’t YOUR idea to leave, but HER’S.

Good luck!

6

When I say take him down, I don’t necessarily mean physically, although I’d certainly consider it personally.

Perhaps calling him what he is to his face in front of family members might be painful. Humiliation in public is bad, in front of family can be worse.

I can’t imagine he’d enjoy being called a rapist and bully in front of Grandma. Letting him know - through your gf - that he would be exposed for what he is in the most painfully humiliating way possible at the next hint of threatening behavior might get him to back off.

Bullies only respect [the perception of] power…

7

Yeah, calling him a bully and a rapist in front of the family is only going to force the family to take sides, and they’ll come down on the side of the brother. That’s a dumb idea. Not to mention most abuse survivors don’t appreciate someone “outing” their abuser at the top of their lungs in the middle of a family event.

8

Her brother is not only mentally disturbed. He is a vile, disgusting incestuous freak of nature. I think you should do everything possible to keep her away from her brother. I think he has some sick obsession for her and wants her for himself.

9

No I don’t think he should leave her at all. He should keep her away from her disgusting brother.

10

Errr…my dad was put into hospital for three days after the guy he was drinking with went nuts and started beating on him, so I’m not so sure that this is good advice.

Not to say that you should be scared of a fight per-se, but do avoid them if you can…

11

It’s very useful to know what being punched feels like, it’s arguably true that in some situations pushing a situation into a fist fight in front of a crowd might be safer than getting stabbed outside.

Any fight between adults has a significant potential to turn lethal or result in seriously debilitating injuries. And if you aren’t a vicious violent arsehole and you get into a bar fight with one it’s most likely to be you.

Paraphrasing what my old Sensei used to say, Nastiness usually beats Size, Size usually beats Skill, Everyone usually beats guy who once spent 20 minutes scrapping around with his mates :smiley:

12

You know that most advice isn’t worth the paper it’s written on (or the electrons it’s written with), so take this with a grain of salt and don’t blame me if it backfires on you. :wink:

First of all, you could talk to the police and outline the situation to them and ask what in their experience would be the best way to handle the situation. Explain to them that you don’t want to file charges at this point. In fact, you don’t even need to tell them who the threat’s coming from; just outline the problem and see what they think. They may give you some idea of how to proceed, or they may insist that you file charges and then blow you off if you’re not willing to do that. Either way, you don’t have to have him charged in order to talk to the police.

Secondly, you might talk to a lawyer. Attorneys play hardball for a living, and a threatening letter from an attorney can often work wonders in taking the wind out of a person’s sails. Such a letter might be all you’d need to get him to give you a wide berth from then on.

Third, I’d consider what kind of beating I might be in for if he were to attack me. If he’s just a normal, everyday kind of guy who also happens to be outsized, then I’d think I might just be in for some bruises and maybe a broken nose. On the other hand, if he’s the kind of guy who hangs out in strip joints and does drugs and runs with a rough crowd, he might fuck you up in ways that will last the rest of your life - either cosmetically through facial scars and such, or physically through broken bones and/or damaged organs. In my younger bar-hopping and 3 a.m. breakfast days, I saw several guys get seriously fucked up by people like that, and I have no doubt the victims still see or feel the results of it to this very day. (The reason I’m telling you this is so that you don’t decide to call his bluff and take a beating unless you have to. That strategy could backfire if he’s truly a badass sort. Also I’d consider what you’re girlfriend’s family is like. If they’re fairly normal people, it isn’t likely that he will beat you viciously in front of them; on the other hand, if they’re white-trash druggie and alcoholic types, then he might.)

Then, failing that I didn’t get a handle on how to proceed by talking to the police and/or an attorney, I’d simply walk up to him (or call him on the phone if you don’t want to have the next family get-together hanging over your head) and tell him that: number one, you know he is a lot bigger than you and that he can kick the shit out of you anytime he wants, and therefore you have no intention of fighting him (this may mollify him because you’re acknowledging straight up that he can kick your ass, and thus he may feel less of a need to prove it), and that if he ever does attack you, you’re not going to fight back but you will file charges, and you will testify in court, and you will do everything you can to make sure that while you’re sitting at home eating pizza and drinking beer and watching movies on television, he’ll be sitting in a jail cell the size of his bathroom, and very likely sharing that space with a roommate who doesn’t like him very much. I’d also point out that at the very least he’s gonna be out thousands of dollars in bail and lawyer fees. And then I’d ask him if he really thought beating me up was worth all that.

Then I’d explain to him that you like his family (unless this is blatantly untrue and he knows it) and you have no reason to try to drive a wedge between your girlfriend and them, but that sometimes for one reason or another you simply aren’t able to make it to family get-togethers. Then I’d suggest that everyone let bygones be bygones and there’s no reason to take things personally in the event that the two of you don’t show up on occasion. On the other hand, if there’s mutual dislike between her family and you, then I’d simply say let’s let bygones be bygones and all try to get along the best we can.

In any event I would probably get a small can of pepper spray* and carry it in my pocket anytime I’d be likely to encounter him. It probably wouldn’t hurt for your girlfriend to carry one too so she could come to your aid if necessary. (Plus, if you’ve already talked to the police, that would count in your favor should you zap him with the spray and he tries to claim that you attacked him.)

At any rate, I wish you the best of luck in getting this situation resolved.

  • Be sure to keep your head about you if you ever use pepper spray. Don’t spray against the wind, and don’t spray where it could fall back into your own face - otherwise then you’ll really be helpless.
13

I don’t have experience dealing with this kind of thing, but I think this is what restraining orders are for.

14

My post was written pre-coffee, so it’s exempt from any and all quality standards.

Your old Sensei sounds like a wise man. But I’d like to add that the nice, small, and unskilled guy who’s spent 20 minutes scrapping around with his mates will usually beat the nice, small, and unskilled guy who hasn’t. :stuck_out_tongue:

15

Maybe he just doesn’t like the way you don’t seem to understand math?

I kid, I kid!

16

I really don’t know what to tell you about the threats.

Obviously it’s hard to tell by the very little bit of information here, but what jumps out at me is that your GF seems to have a pattern of abuse/victim going on. Her brother sexually molested her and seems to still have some control over her life, the relationship she was in before you was unhealthy with the man wanting to control her social life and almost raping her as well as her family demanding too much of her time and her push back causing this outburst.

If she’s never done counseling I have to ask why because with her background, she needs it desperately. If she has done counseling in the past, I think it might be a good idea for her to get some currently because I’d think they could give her some help in how to deal with her family and their demands.

You can’t be some white knight for her. It isn’t healthy. It hands the responsibility of her own well being over to another man and you see how well that’s gone for her in the past. Yes, you’re not like them and you want to protect her, but she needs to be a whole person on her own and take control of her own relationships. She needs coping skills.

Good luck

17

I never in my life expected to say this, but I agree with Starving Artist’s post pretty much 100%. The only exception is the pepper spray – if after all this the guy still comes after you, you’ll not likely have a chance to use it. But it’s a far better choice of weapon than a knife or gun.

18

Get a restraining order, and have him tossed in the can every time he violates it.

19

Correct me if I’m wrong, but the gf was sexually abused by him, and she still sees and speaks with him often?
She will go to a family gathering with him there?
She has not called the police and reported him?

He is twice your size, and mentally unstable, having threatened extreme violence against you and you’re wondering what to do at *family gatherings…that he is attending?
*
You are worried that it will look like you’re controlling her, while her brother controls her and the family by his bullying?

  1. Your gf needs to get her head together. She should have ditched her old network long ago.
  2. You need to snap out of it. She needs some direction from you. Away from him. You sound like you’re being a bit PW here. Is this your first gf or something? Something is wrong with both of you.
  3. Do not go around this guy. You don’t have to dump the gf. Just do not show up around the giant criminal and let the gf decide who she needs to be around more.

Best wishes,
hh

20

BTW, I think it’s only fair to point out that if he decides to wax your glasses at a family get together, the family members will only get a pained expression in their voices, and say “Please, Hulk, don’t hurt him…” and shrug, as their mode of helping you.

Best wishes,
hh